Well, I just read a blog that I really enjoyed and it gave me "permission" so to speak for these words!
Check it out:
http://www.margeryraveson.com/2010/11/in-defense-of-grinch.html
While I do not know this writer (she is the mother of a friend-of-a-friend), I was screaming "YES" as I read. Finally. A fellow "Grinch".
I don't know where my spirit of "bah humbug" has come from and I don't know if I like it or hate it. Perhaps, I'm content with it?
You see, I like seeing my family. I enjoy spending time with them. But for some reason, at the holidays, it seems a lot more stressful. Is it me? Is it them? The airport is more crowded. People are more rude. Things seem hectic. Couldn't I just see my family another weekend or few days when it's not so chaotic? I enjoy food. I enjoy drink. I don't enjoy feeling so stuffed and miserable and eating, and drinking, and eating and drinking where every activity includes food and there are like 3 activities a day. Of course, I can not partake, but then everyone would KNOW I am a closet "Grinch" and we just can't have that.
Yet, those are small grudges about the holidays. This time of year is hard for many. A wise 11 year old I spend time with each Thursday told me this past week about his birthday, " I mean, it's the worst day of the year. I go back to school and what am I supposed to tell everyone when they ask me, "What did you get? What did you do?", I try to think of something to make up so no one will know it was terrible and I didn't do or get anything special. Why can't it just be a normal day? And now the holidays are here, OH GREAT."
The difference between "the haves" and "have nots" is so great and it seems to be magnified at this time of year. The "haves" make their beautiful homes even more beautiful with decor and signs of their well-to-do, their time to not only keep their home but decorate it for pleasure. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy beauty. A pretty wreath of fresh greenery, a big red bow and white lights, do bring a feeling of warmth and pleasure this time of year. However, the tears and worries of this eleven year old just continue to haunt me. He is longing for more. I don't even think it's the newest toy or a perfectly iced cake, but love, support, stability. MORE.
My own experience with Christmas was always "perfect" in the traditional, worldly sense, so maybe I have no unfulfilled Christmas fantasy that I am waiting for and for that I am thankful. I am grateful to have been given so much that maybe this has allowed me to have space to see that there is MORE and to desire that in a deeper way than all this superficial. Hopefully, this is not coming off judgemental of anyone who enjoys the lights, and gifts, and all the beautiful times of the year. There are beautiful parts. But you have to look a little bit harder. And often its the more simple things that are real.
A family friend recently completed suicide. A few days after Thanksgiving. The day after she had called to invite my mother to a Christmas party that was supposed to be this weekend. I can't get her out of my mind, although she was my parent's friend, more than mine. She was very successful as an executive at a huge Orlando institution, hundreds in the community came to remember her life, she had a big, loving family, a mother and father, siblings, a husband and two children. Yet she was looking for MORE. At that last minute of her life, she couldn't find any hope to see what the next day would bring. How does that happen? It's just irreconcilable to me. Hard to move on from. Being in mental health, one of my deepest fears is losing someone to suicide. To missing something in a person, that there is not any hope left for MORE. Or at least MORE on this side of eternity.
So, here I am again, Debbie Downer. I'm sorry. I tell you, don't bring me to a cocktail party!
More. I long to recognize beauty beyond Christmas lights, give to those in need more than a canned food drive, and to feel God's presence every day and not as the surge in church sermons preach "God with us". Emmanuel is here and is the MORE. In July. In December. In May. In this life, before my first breath, and after my last.
And to the young boy, and many others like him (or even worse off), I believe that our Faithful God will be real to him and know him. And hopefully be MORE than enough, despite his have not's in this world.
" Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted...Blessed are...." Matthew 5
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
When you think about the homeless, what comes to mind....
Do you wonder how they got to this point?
Do you judge?
Do you think about that this could be your friend from grade school, your uncle, your sibling? Or does it feel like that is so far from possible?
Do you blame? Do you attribute the homelessness to drug use? Drinking? Mental Illness?
I have had all the above thoughts, questions and assumptions, but my experience with real people, who happen to be homeless, has been drastic to change my thinking in the past few years.
That is the biggest things about assumptions. They often come when you don't know a REAL person with (often biased) struggles and you assume that they are so different than you. The more I am with people and know them, the more I see our similarities, rather than our differences. I like this. I like people and sharing life with them, and experiences. And being open to their experiences and in sharing my own.
Homelessness. Saturday was the Walk for the Homeless on the National Mall. My agency participated to help raise money and our agency is a benefactor from the fundraising, because we have housing programs to reduce homelessness. So, the topic of homelessness has been more "in my face" than normal in light of this walk and working to raise awareness in DC and the country.
Before the walk, on Friday afternoon, my last meeting of the day was to meet a new family. This is one of my favorite parts of my role. I, along with the case manager on my team, meet for the first time with a child or teen and his/her parent/grandparent/caregiver. A precious family tells us their story. They invite us in. They trust us. Of course, this doesn't always happen immediately, but its a beautiful beginning and I always leave feeling humbled, inspired and changed. I want to always be pliable. I want each story, each life, each family to change me. I have so much to learn.
What timing! This meeting on Friday was at a family shelter in DC. The family has been homeless and now feel fortunate enough to be in a shelter. A shelter that is in the same complex of the DC jail and the DC morgue. It is very odd that all of these entities exist on the same property and very close to one another. We couldn't find the right building, and ended up in the morgue, while trying to find a family shelter. Doesn't that just seem wrong?
As this family welcomed us into their room, which is currently their "home", we sat on the child's bed, and worked to engage an anxious, sad, withdrawn little boy. He is precious. There were so many moments during that hour and a half that broke my heart. My stomach fluttered. My eyes burned, as I resisted tears. We left with hopes to meet this family again next week, inspired from a mother who is a survivor, who is fighting for her family, a young boy who worries about going into foster care because they can't find a place to live (but he doesn't want to leave his family), a teenage girl who helps her little brother with homework every night because their mother can't read....Yet, they sing songs in the dark when they go to sleep (all in the same tiny room at the shelter), they joke and name the mice, which scamper around at night, they plan for the future, they have hope, they dream, they know it can get better, they are thankful to have one another and to have someone to fight for and with against the battles they face. Their trauma and past tragedy felt so real, yet so did their survival and resilience.
As we "walked for homelessness" on the national mall in DC on Saturday, this family was forefront my mind. I can't stop thinking about them. I hope you will have an opportunity to know people in different walks of life than you. That causes like "homelessness" will not be vague crusades, but that you will have a chance to meet real people, to hear stories and see faces that are influenced by homelessness. By mental illness. By HIV and Aids. By poverty. By sexual abuse. By trauma. There are many stories to be told and listeners are needed.
P.S. - I just saw "For Colored Girls". This will be another blog post, when I can refuel my emotional energy. I recommend it highly but it is difficult to watch. Throw off your blinders and open your self to the experiences of others. This is one way to "listen" to someone's story.
Do you judge?
Do you think about that this could be your friend from grade school, your uncle, your sibling? Or does it feel like that is so far from possible?
Do you blame? Do you attribute the homelessness to drug use? Drinking? Mental Illness?
I have had all the above thoughts, questions and assumptions, but my experience with real people, who happen to be homeless, has been drastic to change my thinking in the past few years.
That is the biggest things about assumptions. They often come when you don't know a REAL person with (often biased) struggles and you assume that they are so different than you. The more I am with people and know them, the more I see our similarities, rather than our differences. I like this. I like people and sharing life with them, and experiences. And being open to their experiences and in sharing my own.
Homelessness. Saturday was the Walk for the Homeless on the National Mall. My agency participated to help raise money and our agency is a benefactor from the fundraising, because we have housing programs to reduce homelessness. So, the topic of homelessness has been more "in my face" than normal in light of this walk and working to raise awareness in DC and the country.
Before the walk, on Friday afternoon, my last meeting of the day was to meet a new family. This is one of my favorite parts of my role. I, along with the case manager on my team, meet for the first time with a child or teen and his/her parent/grandparent/caregiver. A precious family tells us their story. They invite us in. They trust us. Of course, this doesn't always happen immediately, but its a beautiful beginning and I always leave feeling humbled, inspired and changed. I want to always be pliable. I want each story, each life, each family to change me. I have so much to learn.
What timing! This meeting on Friday was at a family shelter in DC. The family has been homeless and now feel fortunate enough to be in a shelter. A shelter that is in the same complex of the DC jail and the DC morgue. It is very odd that all of these entities exist on the same property and very close to one another. We couldn't find the right building, and ended up in the morgue, while trying to find a family shelter. Doesn't that just seem wrong?
As this family welcomed us into their room, which is currently their "home", we sat on the child's bed, and worked to engage an anxious, sad, withdrawn little boy. He is precious. There were so many moments during that hour and a half that broke my heart. My stomach fluttered. My eyes burned, as I resisted tears. We left with hopes to meet this family again next week, inspired from a mother who is a survivor, who is fighting for her family, a young boy who worries about going into foster care because they can't find a place to live (but he doesn't want to leave his family), a teenage girl who helps her little brother with homework every night because their mother can't read....Yet, they sing songs in the dark when they go to sleep (all in the same tiny room at the shelter), they joke and name the mice, which scamper around at night, they plan for the future, they have hope, they dream, they know it can get better, they are thankful to have one another and to have someone to fight for and with against the battles they face. Their trauma and past tragedy felt so real, yet so did their survival and resilience.
As we "walked for homelessness" on the national mall in DC on Saturday, this family was forefront my mind. I can't stop thinking about them. I hope you will have an opportunity to know people in different walks of life than you. That causes like "homelessness" will not be vague crusades, but that you will have a chance to meet real people, to hear stories and see faces that are influenced by homelessness. By mental illness. By HIV and Aids. By poverty. By sexual abuse. By trauma. There are many stories to be told and listeners are needed.
P.S. - I just saw "For Colored Girls". This will be another blog post, when I can refuel my emotional energy. I recommend it highly but it is difficult to watch. Throw off your blinders and open your self to the experiences of others. This is one way to "listen" to someone's story.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
To be content.
If I were to go through my journals (and maybe even this blog), I would find much about being content. Mostly around my struggle to be content regardless of my circumstances (In Philippians 4:12, Paul shares "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
While I have always had earthly security and abundance such as a warm and stable home, loving supports, and more than enough financial provisions, my heart struggles to be at rest and content. If I make it to be an old woman, I wonder if I will continue to write and pray and work on this heart issue?
In psych 101, I remember learning about some named phenomenon (I don't even remember the psychological) where people are always waiting until the next "stage" in life and only then, will they be happy. Similarly, the well known quote, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," stressing to be content and present in each moment, each step of the way, because this is in fact life. Another saying, "Life is what happens when you are making plans," comes to mind. Pop culture is filled with this philosophy of being content.
I wonder what the Lord means for us each day in this? I struggle between being present and content and wanting to DO and ACT to make things happen and better and more meaningful. I don't know if that is wrong or right. Most likely, there is a balance that I must find. How to be making changes (sanctification!) but also content and present for today. I'm not even a super big planner, I like being spontaneous and rebel against "plans" but the bigger contentedness of being satisfied and that our life is purposeful and good and all of that, is the hard part for me.
Although I can mouth off all the things I am "grateful" for in my life and my head knows I am SO freaking blessed with every piece of the pie, my heart feels like a fraud. Something feels off. While I don't think I need to be at the top of the roller coaster with being "happy" all the time, I need to be more at rest and okay with myself and my situation, even when this restlessness and sadness seems to be more consistent than not for a few weeks. Maybe its the sun setting at 5pm, the weather cooling off, the holidays looming...This time of the year can be a struggle for me for some reason. Maybe its because everyone seems to love it so much and I just can't "fake" it. How cynical and bah hum bug of me. But if I can't vent on the Internet and with you, friends, then I am really not being present and real! However, I am a work in progress and I know that the Lord's grace will sustain me and continue to teach me....Hopefully, if I make it to be that old woman, I can share wisdom to younger ladies searching for more, when MORE is already here! Right?!
P.S.- I just realized that my last post was all about me being content.....ahhh. See what I mean? Battle. Up and down. Jonathan's says something is not right in my head at times. Maybe. Is that just how woman are (and that is such a man response)? But I do not claim that in the name of Jesus and I claim sanity and clarity, haha. Kidding, but not really, I do need it in big dosages! Do you know what I do all day? I love, love, love it but it can be A LOT if I don't get filled up by the Lord, because I can be zapped and drained quickly!
While I have always had earthly security and abundance such as a warm and stable home, loving supports, and more than enough financial provisions, my heart struggles to be at rest and content. If I make it to be an old woman, I wonder if I will continue to write and pray and work on this heart issue?
In psych 101, I remember learning about some named phenomenon (I don't even remember the psychological) where people are always waiting until the next "stage" in life and only then, will they be happy. Similarly, the well known quote, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," stressing to be content and present in each moment, each step of the way, because this is in fact life. Another saying, "Life is what happens when you are making plans," comes to mind. Pop culture is filled with this philosophy of being content.
I wonder what the Lord means for us each day in this? I struggle between being present and content and wanting to DO and ACT to make things happen and better and more meaningful. I don't know if that is wrong or right. Most likely, there is a balance that I must find. How to be making changes (sanctification!) but also content and present for today. I'm not even a super big planner, I like being spontaneous and rebel against "plans" but the bigger contentedness of being satisfied and that our life is purposeful and good and all of that, is the hard part for me.
Although I can mouth off all the things I am "grateful" for in my life and my head knows I am SO freaking blessed with every piece of the pie, my heart feels like a fraud. Something feels off. While I don't think I need to be at the top of the roller coaster with being "happy" all the time, I need to be more at rest and okay with myself and my situation, even when this restlessness and sadness seems to be more consistent than not for a few weeks. Maybe its the sun setting at 5pm, the weather cooling off, the holidays looming...This time of the year can be a struggle for me for some reason. Maybe its because everyone seems to love it so much and I just can't "fake" it. How cynical and bah hum bug of me. But if I can't vent on the Internet and with you, friends, then I am really not being present and real! However, I am a work in progress and I know that the Lord's grace will sustain me and continue to teach me....Hopefully, if I make it to be that old woman, I can share wisdom to younger ladies searching for more, when MORE is already here! Right?!
P.S.- I just realized that my last post was all about me being content.....ahhh. See what I mean? Battle. Up and down. Jonathan's says something is not right in my head at times. Maybe. Is that just how woman are (and that is such a man response)? But I do not claim that in the name of Jesus and I claim sanity and clarity, haha. Kidding, but not really, I do need it in big dosages! Do you know what I do all day? I love, love, love it but it can be A LOT if I don't get filled up by the Lord, because I can be zapped and drained quickly!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Grateful.
My heart is full. Not in an emotional way, but in a steady state, peaceful, content and with great thankfulness. Humbled. I don't deserve anything good, but am thankful to God, the giver of life and everything good.
It is not like I have one great thing or big news to report. I am just thankful for my life and all that God has given. I then wonder how to remain conscientious, grateful and humbled to give back and be faithful to those in my life, to those I meet, and to my God, who gives such love to share.
Jonathan and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Words cant express the goodness of marriage. The duty to one another, while it does not sound romantic, truly is a blessing. Even though some times are hard, it is worth it and so good. I love sharing life with my husband. No, we don't know when to have kids, or how to figure it out, or what to do about jobs, houses, cities, etc. But we are in it together. And it's so great to have a partner. I am thankful for his commitment to me. Even when I am mad at him or he frustrates me. As humans, we both stumble and fall, but I am grateful for this season in our marriage where we are so good. We know how to do this now, maybe. I hate to even say things are good, so they don't get bad. Do you ever think that way? Well, I hope we are building a foundation for the hard times and sufferings in this world. I hope to remember my gratefulness, in times where I question or don't understand.
We got away for our anniversary. A road trip to New England with a few days in Boston and then a long weekend in Nantucket, which felt like paradise on earth. I am starting to miss nature being in a city like setting, so the many untouched beaches, dunes, sea Oates, and ocean views of the island really refreshed me. The salt air, the sand, riding bikes, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace, no traffic, wonderful meals and even some great friends (we got to visit with friends in Boston, Nantucket and on our way home in Connecticut). It was so great. I feel happy just thinking about it.
After our anniversary trip, I came back to DC for a quick day at the office and then was able to go away on a work retreat. Grateful. A group of newer (and younger) supervisor advocated for this time away and training. To let your mind go and get away from the day to day responsibilities is so productive. I set goals. I remember my mission. I thought about how to implement it better. I got encouragement. I met peers and built relationships. I really, really liked the people I got to know. Isn't that amazing? The more I get to know people at my agency, the more I really like them. I feel less isolated and more encouraged. We brainstormed, thought of action items and found support. I remembered things I wanted to do with my team, but forgot about once the crises rolled in. We laughed because everyone else forgot too, so I didn't feel too guilty. We talked about how to not forget again (because the chaos will return).
Now, a normal week. I am grateful. Today, it felt very chaotic. There was a lot going on and much I could have been stressed about. Actually, my body felt the stress, my head was pounding, I don't think I ate lunch, and I felt strained. But my mind won the battle. I insisted to remain at peace. While I don't have control of the situations, I worked to be in control of myself. To be intentional about remaining grateful and remaining at peace. I have to be at peace, to impart peace to others. Hopefully, people can come to me in their stress and I can help them rest. If I am stressed and to my wit's end, then I can impart nothing.
Maybe this is not realistic, but I am trying and praying for the Lord to fill me up with His spirit. I want to wake up earlier to be more at peace in the morning. To prepare myself for whatever God has for me. To prepare myself for the people I might meet. To be able to truly "be" with the people on my team, in my home, in my life as family and friends. Our time here is a gift and I want to be able to pour myself into relationships and love well. I don't want to be "too stressed" and overwhelmed to push people away. My mind needs to be open and at rest, so I can receive wisdom and reach out for answers. I don't want to be "too full" that I cannot take in any more. Lord, help me make space. For you, for your presence and peace, for you to have control of me, for me to be open to learn, to take in, to breath, to love, more and better....
Less of me. More of You.
It is not like I have one great thing or big news to report. I am just thankful for my life and all that God has given. I then wonder how to remain conscientious, grateful and humbled to give back and be faithful to those in my life, to those I meet, and to my God, who gives such love to share.
Jonathan and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Words cant express the goodness of marriage. The duty to one another, while it does not sound romantic, truly is a blessing. Even though some times are hard, it is worth it and so good. I love sharing life with my husband. No, we don't know when to have kids, or how to figure it out, or what to do about jobs, houses, cities, etc. But we are in it together. And it's so great to have a partner. I am thankful for his commitment to me. Even when I am mad at him or he frustrates me. As humans, we both stumble and fall, but I am grateful for this season in our marriage where we are so good. We know how to do this now, maybe. I hate to even say things are good, so they don't get bad. Do you ever think that way? Well, I hope we are building a foundation for the hard times and sufferings in this world. I hope to remember my gratefulness, in times where I question or don't understand.
We got away for our anniversary. A road trip to New England with a few days in Boston and then a long weekend in Nantucket, which felt like paradise on earth. I am starting to miss nature being in a city like setting, so the many untouched beaches, dunes, sea Oates, and ocean views of the island really refreshed me. The salt air, the sand, riding bikes, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace, no traffic, wonderful meals and even some great friends (we got to visit with friends in Boston, Nantucket and on our way home in Connecticut). It was so great. I feel happy just thinking about it.
After our anniversary trip, I came back to DC for a quick day at the office and then was able to go away on a work retreat. Grateful. A group of newer (and younger) supervisor advocated for this time away and training. To let your mind go and get away from the day to day responsibilities is so productive. I set goals. I remember my mission. I thought about how to implement it better. I got encouragement. I met peers and built relationships. I really, really liked the people I got to know. Isn't that amazing? The more I get to know people at my agency, the more I really like them. I feel less isolated and more encouraged. We brainstormed, thought of action items and found support. I remembered things I wanted to do with my team, but forgot about once the crises rolled in. We laughed because everyone else forgot too, so I didn't feel too guilty. We talked about how to not forget again (because the chaos will return).
Now, a normal week. I am grateful. Today, it felt very chaotic. There was a lot going on and much I could have been stressed about. Actually, my body felt the stress, my head was pounding, I don't think I ate lunch, and I felt strained. But my mind won the battle. I insisted to remain at peace. While I don't have control of the situations, I worked to be in control of myself. To be intentional about remaining grateful and remaining at peace. I have to be at peace, to impart peace to others. Hopefully, people can come to me in their stress and I can help them rest. If I am stressed and to my wit's end, then I can impart nothing.
Maybe this is not realistic, but I am trying and praying for the Lord to fill me up with His spirit. I want to wake up earlier to be more at peace in the morning. To prepare myself for whatever God has for me. To prepare myself for the people I might meet. To be able to truly "be" with the people on my team, in my home, in my life as family and friends. Our time here is a gift and I want to be able to pour myself into relationships and love well. I don't want to be "too stressed" and overwhelmed to push people away. My mind needs to be open and at rest, so I can receive wisdom and reach out for answers. I don't want to be "too full" that I cannot take in any more. Lord, help me make space. For you, for your presence and peace, for you to have control of me, for me to be open to learn, to take in, to breath, to love, more and better....
Less of me. More of You.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Success.
Since my last blog title had the word, fail, I have decided I will gloat on this one.
I finished the half marathon. No stopping, which was my goal! I will have to say I did not do it on my own. Ashley was a rock star. It didn't look like she sweat much and it seemed like a breeze...she probably could have kept on going. And Jonathan was so great to run with and he really kept me going. He was such a sweetheart and so much fun. He didn't even make fun of the runners in all their "garb" and the hoopla of the race (well, he made fun but not too much).
I have felt really great throughout this whole training process until the week of mile 12. During this run, I felt some kind of pain/twinge/something is not quite right, "HELL it HURTS" kind of thing in my upper butt, hip, lower back area. Hmm. Not really sure what it was.
I rested. It wasn't bothering me. Well, during the race, on mile 8, it came back. After a little pity party (during the race) that this came back up, I was able to pull it together and feel pretty good for a few miles (including a hill). Then literally at mile 12.5, I really didn't think I could go any farther. I felt like my leg was going to become detached from my hip joint or something. Of course this is dramatic, but I really did feel like that. Ask Jonathan (although he might confirm the "dramatic" part, but not the leg detachment issue).
Did I mention that Jonathan ran beside me the entire way? He could go MUCH faster, but he stayed with me the whole thing and it was awesome. Ash too. We all stuck together. At 12.5, when I was like, "Jonathan, I don't know if I can do it", he was so encouraging and was like, "We have trained 3 months for this and you have .5 miles to go, I will carry you from here if I need to but you are not stopping!". At the last mile, Ash started to go a little faster so I lost her in the crowd, but as we got to the finish line, she was there so we could all go across together.
When I crossed the finish line, I felt such a surge of emotions, I started to cry. That sounds so cheesy but I really did. Jonathan was like, "really?! get it together" and I did, but it was an emotional rush! And I felt so out of control of my body, I started to pee my pants....haha so bizarre! I really didn't (not like running down my leg or something) but I was amazed that my body felt like it was shutting down or something.
What an experience.
Now it's over. I honestly feel a bit of the post race blues. I was reading that because running helps your mood by boosting endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine, following a big event when your running and exercise decreases your mood can drop. Hmmm. It makes sense. And it's the end of a holiday weekend with beautiful weather, the beach, a really great time with my husband and sister, and days of rest.
So, to keep running? And to be thankful for such great memories and the opportunities in my life. I am grateful despite a return to the hum-drum.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I think there is another FAIL to report...
Ya know all that "self soothing" that I did last night?
Well, I don't think it worked.
I just about had a passive panic attack because on the way home from work, I realized that I had left the stove ON boiling some chicken. It was on very low heat, but our stove is gas and that means an open flame and I thought surely I had just burned down our home and 41 other units in our building.
Truly, this is what is feels like to lose one's mind. I have never done something like that before.
Thank you JESUS that I walked in to a very terrible burned chicken (and pan) smell, but no smoke or fire or damage.WOW.
I am thankful, but my heart is still beating quickly and I feel like an idiot.
So, I need intervention. Self soothing help. My plan did not work. What is next? Alcohol? Prayer and meditation? Both....?
At least my hubby comes home tonight. I hope he can have a calming effect on me. He might want to run the other direction when he takes in the terrible burnt smell and sees the nicely ruined pot.
Positives: Tomorrow is Friday. And now I am going to a run (and buy new chicken breasts for the dinner I was supposed to make). And I rescheduled at the spa for a massage on Monday. Even better, they are going to give it to me complimentary because they botched the scheduling. That pretty much makes it worth it! (AND, I still can't feel badly about the skirt, shirt and sunglasses I bought last night on BananaRepublic.com all on sale and with an additional 25% off).
Well, I don't think it worked.
I just about had a passive panic attack because on the way home from work, I realized that I had left the stove ON boiling some chicken. It was on very low heat, but our stove is gas and that means an open flame and I thought surely I had just burned down our home and 41 other units in our building.
Truly, this is what is feels like to lose one's mind. I have never done something like that before.
Thank you JESUS that I walked in to a very terrible burned chicken (and pan) smell, but no smoke or fire or damage.WOW.
I am thankful, but my heart is still beating quickly and I feel like an idiot.
So, I need intervention. Self soothing help. My plan did not work. What is next? Alcohol? Prayer and meditation? Both....?
At least my hubby comes home tonight. I hope he can have a calming effect on me. He might want to run the other direction when he takes in the terrible burnt smell and sees the nicely ruined pot.
Positives: Tomorrow is Friday. And now I am going to a run (and buy new chicken breasts for the dinner I was supposed to make). And I rescheduled at the spa for a massage on Monday. Even better, they are going to give it to me complimentary because they botched the scheduling. That pretty much makes it worth it! (AND, I still can't feel badly about the skirt, shirt and sunglasses I bought last night on BananaRepublic.com all on sale and with an additional 25% off).
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Self Soothing Required
To self soothe. Ahhh, what a catch phrase. I see this many times a day as I review, edit and write treatment plans; Skills such as self soothing are ones that we try to teach our youngsters and parents via community mental health.
We might practice relaxation techniques with a child. Belly breathing perhaps. Do you remember this from choir practice? I remember laying on the floor with a solo cup on my stomach. The idea is that the solo cup rises, because you breath deeply in your lungs so your stomach goes up. And so does the cup. A visual aid does wonders for a child, and adult. I still struggle with "belly breathing" but I am not afraid to lay on the floor of my office with a kiddo and mom to give it one more shot. Maybe my choir teacher lied to me. If so, I need to know before I continue this malarkey.
What about progressive muscle relaxation? Now, I have my drama teacher to thank for this one. I remember in middle school laying down on the floor (seems to be a theme) and "tightening and releasing" the muscles of the body, led by a dramatic narrative from our teacher. Then I took a high level psych class in graduate school (and paid a few thousand dollars) to learn that same exact thing. I even had to tape myself saying the narrative and turn it in for "review". Something I conquered in 7th grade cost me a pretty penny to have a PhD.D. professor listen to my voice on a cassette years later (maybe my parents can now feel good about private school education. Not the graduate school one, but the 7th grade one, ha).
Other self soothing: we might listen to music, help teenagers make lists, make self soothing boxes with lots of ideas of ways to calm down when upset, count to 10 (although I have had many a 10 year old say, "Ms. Heather, counting to 10 does NOT work! I need something new!", and who can blame hims and hers, that does sounds kinda lame!). Take a bubble bath. Snuggle with someone you love. Talk it out. Take a walk.
Don't: smoke marijuana, have aimless sex, self harm, yell at your mom, run out the house, get in a fight, etc, etc....
See there, you could now lead a skill building session on self soothing and even bill medicaid, if you can throw in some therapeutic words (and of course, actually provide the service).
While my day did NOT include this (read about my friend's Lacie's terrible day), it was quite horrible as well. I do not need to divulge all the gritty details, but yesterday and today were troubling for me at work and I felt real fear for my safety. To lose your peace of mind is priceless. This is a risk working with mentally ill people, but I've never felt directly threatened. I am working through it, to say the least.
God must have known it was going to be a rough week because on Monday (before all this happened) I booked a massage for this evening. My long run on Saturday left my body in bad shape and a pain in my upper buttocks (so proper) continued to ail me, so I thought that surely warranted a little sports massage. I mean I have to be in proper condition for the big race.
So, I left work early to decompress a bit and prepped for my big massage. I leisurely walk to the spa, enjoying the cooler weather, to show up at the desk to realize they don't have me booked and I cannot actually get the massage tonight. HUGE self soothing FAIL. What disappointment. How could a day get worse? I know it actually could, by lots of terrible things that really do matter, but at that moment the news that I would not be getting my ass worked by skilled hands really sent me into the dumps.
Self soothe resiliency action plan went into action. Go to the grocery store. Fix a plate from the "hot meal line" including one drummette of fried chicken, some Kraft type looking macaroni and cheese (ya know, bright orange "fake" cheese) and mashed potatoes. Pick up one slice of chocolate cake from the deli. Pick up sweet tea (hard to find in the North, but I got the full calorie kind in a bottle). One People style watch magazine. 2 DVDs from the Red box (I had to pick ones that are totally girly and lame and that Jonathan would never allow on the weekends).
Jonathan is away, which really stinks on a night like this, but I have my comfort food and DVDs to hopefully lighten my mood. Self soothing resiliency prevails! As well as, (I hope) a continued positive outlook for my life work and how to go about my day to day feeling safe and at peace. If only that were as simple as eating some comfort food and numbing the mind with some "rom com's" and magazines.
I have always bounced back. Cheers and optimism to that.
**********************************************************************************
P.S.- I just went on bananarepublic.com and they are having a sale. If you spend $100, then you get 25% off. Yikes. Now we are in trouble. Let's see, I didn't spend money on the massage so....
See, Jonathan, you really should have caught a flight home to rescue (or supervise) your wife from her misery. So she doesn't spend money in attempts to self soothe. A few lbs from carbohydrates are one things, but banana republic can do more lasting harm.
We might practice relaxation techniques with a child. Belly breathing perhaps. Do you remember this from choir practice? I remember laying on the floor with a solo cup on my stomach. The idea is that the solo cup rises, because you breath deeply in your lungs so your stomach goes up. And so does the cup. A visual aid does wonders for a child, and adult. I still struggle with "belly breathing" but I am not afraid to lay on the floor of my office with a kiddo and mom to give it one more shot. Maybe my choir teacher lied to me. If so, I need to know before I continue this malarkey.
What about progressive muscle relaxation? Now, I have my drama teacher to thank for this one. I remember in middle school laying down on the floor (seems to be a theme) and "tightening and releasing" the muscles of the body, led by a dramatic narrative from our teacher. Then I took a high level psych class in graduate school (and paid a few thousand dollars) to learn that same exact thing. I even had to tape myself saying the narrative and turn it in for "review". Something I conquered in 7th grade cost me a pretty penny to have a PhD.D. professor listen to my voice on a cassette years later (maybe my parents can now feel good about private school education. Not the graduate school one, but the 7th grade one, ha).
Other self soothing: we might listen to music, help teenagers make lists, make self soothing boxes with lots of ideas of ways to calm down when upset, count to 10 (although I have had many a 10 year old say, "Ms. Heather, counting to 10 does NOT work! I need something new!", and who can blame hims and hers, that does sounds kinda lame!). Take a bubble bath. Snuggle with someone you love. Talk it out. Take a walk.
Don't: smoke marijuana, have aimless sex, self harm, yell at your mom, run out the house, get in a fight, etc, etc....
See there, you could now lead a skill building session on self soothing and even bill medicaid, if you can throw in some therapeutic words (and of course, actually provide the service).
While my day did NOT include this (read about my friend's Lacie's terrible day), it was quite horrible as well. I do not need to divulge all the gritty details, but yesterday and today were troubling for me at work and I felt real fear for my safety. To lose your peace of mind is priceless. This is a risk working with mentally ill people, but I've never felt directly threatened. I am working through it, to say the least.
God must have known it was going to be a rough week because on Monday (before all this happened) I booked a massage for this evening. My long run on Saturday left my body in bad shape and a pain in my upper buttocks (so proper) continued to ail me, so I thought that surely warranted a little sports massage. I mean I have to be in proper condition for the big race.
So, I left work early to decompress a bit and prepped for my big massage. I leisurely walk to the spa, enjoying the cooler weather, to show up at the desk to realize they don't have me booked and I cannot actually get the massage tonight. HUGE self soothing FAIL. What disappointment. How could a day get worse? I know it actually could, by lots of terrible things that really do matter, but at that moment the news that I would not be getting my ass worked by skilled hands really sent me into the dumps.
Self soothe resiliency action plan went into action. Go to the grocery store. Fix a plate from the "hot meal line" including one drummette of fried chicken, some Kraft type looking macaroni and cheese (ya know, bright orange "fake" cheese) and mashed potatoes. Pick up one slice of chocolate cake from the deli. Pick up sweet tea (hard to find in the North, but I got the full calorie kind in a bottle). One People style watch magazine. 2 DVDs from the Red box (I had to pick ones that are totally girly and lame and that Jonathan would never allow on the weekends).
Jonathan is away, which really stinks on a night like this, but I have my comfort food and DVDs to hopefully lighten my mood. Self soothing resiliency prevails! As well as, (I hope) a continued positive outlook for my life work and how to go about my day to day feeling safe and at peace. If only that were as simple as eating some comfort food and numbing the mind with some "rom com's" and magazines.
I have always bounced back. Cheers and optimism to that.
**********************************************************************************
P.S.- I just went on bananarepublic.com and they are having a sale. If you spend $100, then you get 25% off. Yikes. Now we are in trouble. Let's see, I didn't spend money on the massage so....
See, Jonathan, you really should have caught a flight home to rescue (or supervise) your wife from her misery. So she doesn't spend money in attempts to self soothe. A few lbs from carbohydrates are one things, but banana republic can do more lasting harm.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Training lessons
I have never considered myself a runner. I still do not consider myself a runner. But I am slowly becoming one in some sort of fashion.
In June, I started training for a half marathon, which is coming up quickly on Labor Day weekend. It really has been amazing. I've never pushed myself in such a physical way. Scared of failure, I've never signed up for anything like this because I honestly thought there is no way I could actually do it. Well, I am doing it! And this is not to boast of myself, becuase it really has been quite humbling. I've learned a lot about training. Training my body and my mind and how this can relate to other disciplines in life.
I followed this plan for running each week and slowly building my mileage. The plan worked. While at the beginning 3 miles was all I could run, I ran 11 miles this past Saturday! Only a few more until the 13.1 for the race. And it's been fun. Not every run, but towards the end, as I've realized its working, it's been joyful and worth it. As I ran this past Saturday, I was thanking God for legs and a body to be able to do this, for health, for a beautiful city for run through (quite some scenery) and a partner and sister to share it with me. God is faithful. We often don't thank Him for the very things around us. For moments. But it is these moments that make up a lifetime. As cheesy as that sounds, I am learning this day in and day out.
The race analogies for the Christian life also make more sense. If we can discipline our flesh and mind, we can surely have more endurance in our spirit and for the work of God in this world. We do not disciple ourselves for no reason, but to sanctify ourselves and work towards eternal purposes.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize".
-I Corinthians 9:24-27.
In June, I started training for a half marathon, which is coming up quickly on Labor Day weekend. It really has been amazing. I've never pushed myself in such a physical way. Scared of failure, I've never signed up for anything like this because I honestly thought there is no way I could actually do it. Well, I am doing it! And this is not to boast of myself, becuase it really has been quite humbling. I've learned a lot about training. Training my body and my mind and how this can relate to other disciplines in life.
I followed this plan for running each week and slowly building my mileage. The plan worked. While at the beginning 3 miles was all I could run, I ran 11 miles this past Saturday! Only a few more until the 13.1 for the race. And it's been fun. Not every run, but towards the end, as I've realized its working, it's been joyful and worth it. As I ran this past Saturday, I was thanking God for legs and a body to be able to do this, for health, for a beautiful city for run through (quite some scenery) and a partner and sister to share it with me. God is faithful. We often don't thank Him for the very things around us. For moments. But it is these moments that make up a lifetime. As cheesy as that sounds, I am learning this day in and day out.
The race analogies for the Christian life also make more sense. If we can discipline our flesh and mind, we can surely have more endurance in our spirit and for the work of God in this world. We do not disciple ourselves for no reason, but to sanctify ourselves and work towards eternal purposes.
"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize".
-I Corinthians 9:24-27.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Stalk much?
So I was blog stalking this evening. Looking for inspiration. Bored with my own life, ready to read about others? Just a quite night at the DC home. Tuesdays tend to be the worst on the hubby gone front.
I came across this post. I do not know this writer, but I wish I did. I very much related. Pretty amazing that you can have fellowship and not even know someone.
Read this post, "Whisper Seekers".
I am there. Glad to know others are there as well.
I came across this post. I do not know this writer, but I wish I did. I very much related. Pretty amazing that you can have fellowship and not even know someone.
Read this post, "Whisper Seekers".
I am there. Glad to know others are there as well.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Catch up.
Hi.
It has been awhile. I have thought of you. I even wrote, but then never entered "publish". Just didn't feel inspired I suppose. Sometimes even I wrote and it felt depressing, and I didn't want to be debbie downer. And I haven't been depressed, so didn't want to reflect a mood that wasn't accurate.
Let's see how to catch you up. Everything has been good. Steady. Stable. Not too glamorous sounding? That is true. Not a complaint, though.
June was busy. I got to explore Pittsburgh for a work training. It wasn't great. I felt like I should have been in a sitcom. Something about being trapped in an industrial park hotel with co-workers and doing "self defense" (well, really it was termed comprehensive crisis management for the mentally ill). That sounds like I am mentally ill, and while I might have my moments, the purpose was to teach ME how to deal with crisis situations and then to go back to our agency and teach some "escape" moves. Like for example, if someone gets you on the ground, is punching you in the face, you thrust your hips up to maneuver them off. But what if the person is in between your legs, on top of you and punching you in the face? Ah ha, then you wrap your legs around their legs, spread their legs apart, THEN thrust your hips, unwrap one of your legs (for leverage) and then hoist the person off. Oh and of course, you should be screaming like hell for help. Always yell. I mean, it can't hurt, right? So, yes, I have some moves now. And I did have to practice this with my co-worker and we actually led the training for new hires at our agency last week. Hilarious? Yes. Luckily, I have learned the great and needed ability to laugh at myself. And to let others laugh at me (new hires watching my co-worker straddle me and I try to get him off?!).
So, June started out with Pittsburgh. It ended with Florida family vacation. We had a lovely time and truly felt off the radar from work and life here in the city. It felt nice to be with so much family. We are pretty isolated and independent up here with our life and work and just being together. Sometimes I forget that we are not alone and isolated, we have SO many people in our lives. They just don't happen to live super close. It was nice to feel known, loved, cared about to be around people who know me not from Community Connections and life here, but true "Heather" and "Jonathan". Sometimes, I forget that I have value for just being me. I don't have to "do" anything for value. It can be hard to remember when I feel like we continue to work, work, work. And work culture in general (everywhere) means you do something and that equals value. It was refreshing!
Now, its July. And June somehow feels far away. This past weekend we went to the beach boys concert at Wolftrap, a very cool, outdoor national park venue. It was blazing HOT. Like a heat index (which I don't really know what that means, but it sounds more dramatic) of 110. So, we are literally baking at the concert, but how can one be unhappy with the Beach Boys playing live and a full cooler of ice cold drinks? Growing up, I think the only CD my Dad owned was the Beach Boys greatest hits, so needless, to say we listened to it quite a lot. Good memories and nostalgia. And with a relaxed Jonathan and some good friends. As we were baking in the sun, it suddenly cooled off. Soon, it was POURING down rain with gusting winds and all. We were making a mad dash to the car, holding blankets, coolers, bags, it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in genuine joy in a long time. It was lovely. Organic joy from pouring rain, falling in the mud and sharing the moment with friends. I still feel joyful thinking about it.
I hope you all can find some joy like that this week. Even if it means mud on your clothes, an unplanned "wet t-shirt" party and some smeared mascara.
Hopefully, I will be back again. Sooner rather than later.
It has been awhile. I have thought of you. I even wrote, but then never entered "publish". Just didn't feel inspired I suppose. Sometimes even I wrote and it felt depressing, and I didn't want to be debbie downer. And I haven't been depressed, so didn't want to reflect a mood that wasn't accurate.
Let's see how to catch you up. Everything has been good. Steady. Stable. Not too glamorous sounding? That is true. Not a complaint, though.
June was busy. I got to explore Pittsburgh for a work training. It wasn't great. I felt like I should have been in a sitcom. Something about being trapped in an industrial park hotel with co-workers and doing "self defense" (well, really it was termed comprehensive crisis management for the mentally ill). That sounds like I am mentally ill, and while I might have my moments, the purpose was to teach ME how to deal with crisis situations and then to go back to our agency and teach some "escape" moves. Like for example, if someone gets you on the ground, is punching you in the face, you thrust your hips up to maneuver them off. But what if the person is in between your legs, on top of you and punching you in the face? Ah ha, then you wrap your legs around their legs, spread their legs apart, THEN thrust your hips, unwrap one of your legs (for leverage) and then hoist the person off. Oh and of course, you should be screaming like hell for help. Always yell. I mean, it can't hurt, right? So, yes, I have some moves now. And I did have to practice this with my co-worker and we actually led the training for new hires at our agency last week. Hilarious? Yes. Luckily, I have learned the great and needed ability to laugh at myself. And to let others laugh at me (new hires watching my co-worker straddle me and I try to get him off?!).
So, June started out with Pittsburgh. It ended with Florida family vacation. We had a lovely time and truly felt off the radar from work and life here in the city. It felt nice to be with so much family. We are pretty isolated and independent up here with our life and work and just being together. Sometimes I forget that we are not alone and isolated, we have SO many people in our lives. They just don't happen to live super close. It was nice to feel known, loved, cared about to be around people who know me not from Community Connections and life here, but true "Heather" and "Jonathan". Sometimes, I forget that I have value for just being me. I don't have to "do" anything for value. It can be hard to remember when I feel like we continue to work, work, work. And work culture in general (everywhere) means you do something and that equals value. It was refreshing!
Now, its July. And June somehow feels far away. This past weekend we went to the beach boys concert at Wolftrap, a very cool, outdoor national park venue. It was blazing HOT. Like a heat index (which I don't really know what that means, but it sounds more dramatic) of 110. So, we are literally baking at the concert, but how can one be unhappy with the Beach Boys playing live and a full cooler of ice cold drinks? Growing up, I think the only CD my Dad owned was the Beach Boys greatest hits, so needless, to say we listened to it quite a lot. Good memories and nostalgia. And with a relaxed Jonathan and some good friends. As we were baking in the sun, it suddenly cooled off. Soon, it was POURING down rain with gusting winds and all. We were making a mad dash to the car, holding blankets, coolers, bags, it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in genuine joy in a long time. It was lovely. Organic joy from pouring rain, falling in the mud and sharing the moment with friends. I still feel joyful thinking about it.
I hope you all can find some joy like that this week. Even if it means mud on your clothes, an unplanned "wet t-shirt" party and some smeared mascara.
Hopefully, I will be back again. Sooner rather than later.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A few moments for increased self esteem...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg
Ladies, we should all start our day like this lil' sweetheart!
Ladies, we should all start our day like this lil' sweetheart!
choices. and being a woman.
As I get closer to 30, "settle" into marriage with greater contentment and comfort, continue to pay the morgage, and gain quiet satisfaction with the mundane parts of life, I often struggle with questions of children, family, career and how to know the answer to so many unknowns. It feels like we are on the cusp of so many huge decisions and we are paralyzed because we don't even know how to start in such decisions. And we aren't super restless to end "life as we know it" either, so timing and knowing "when" kids might come into the scene are big questions. I was able to spend a weekend away with my dearest friends. Girls who I have literally grown up with from Orlando. We are now in all different cities, with careers, husbands and all the responsibilities of "grown up" life with dogs, bills, in-laws, etc. No kids yet in our "girl's group" though so I was comforted to hear my dear friends also struggling with such questions and not sure how to go forward and what that will look like in life. I am not alone!
Being a woman is complicated. I want to have a career. I love my job. I also want to be a great mom. So how does that work? Will it come to be if I am pregnant? Will it come to me if I see my baby born? Or do I try to work and see what that is like? Can I do it all? Is that what God wants for my family? Or do I pick one or the other? Or do I not try to figure it all out...Haha, probably!
A friend sent me this article and it truly hit home. I "know" this cognitively but it was a powerful reminder of the only satisfaction I will find.
The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness
Mary A. Kassian
Why are women so unhappy?
In 1963, Journalist and political activist Betty Friedan published a book that was the catalyst behind the women's movement in the United States. It was the book that "pulled the trigger on history." Friedan had conducted a questionnaire with the women gathered at her 15 year college reunion. She concluded that although these women were doing everything that society said would bring them happiness - that is, getting and staying married, staying home to raise kids, cooking meals and cleaning house, homemaking and home decorating, volunteering - that there were hints of dissatisfaction lingering beneath the surface of their picture-perfect lives. Her question was, "Why are women so unhappy?"
Friedan called the unhappiness of women "the problem that has no name." She pointed her finger at the male-female relationship and theorized that it was to blame. If only woman could leave the traditional role of homemaker behind, be educated and participate in the workplace on the same basis as man, be free to express herself sexually without any restraints, and have society free her from the burden of bearing and caring for children, THEN she would be happy. If woman could dictate the rules, then she and the whole of society would be much better off ... and woman's unhappiness would fade like a garishly patterned cotton drape under the touch of the summer sun.
"The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and brownies, lay beside her husband at night - she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question - "Is this all?"...
If I am right, the problem that has no name stirring in the minds of so many American women today is not a matter of loss of femininity or too much education, or the demands of domesticity. It is far more important than anyone recognizes. It is the key to these other new and old problems which have been torturing women and their husbands and children, and puzzling their doctors and educators for years. It may well be the key to our future as a nation and a culture. We can no longer ignore that voice within women that says: "I want something more than my husband and my children and my home."
Women must stretch and stretch until their own efforts will tell them who they are. They will not need the regard of boy or man to feel alive. And when women do not need to live through their husbands and children... this may be the next step in human evolution.
Who know what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves?... It has barely begun, the search of women for themselves. But the time is at hand when the voices of the feminine mystique can no longer drown out the inner voice that is driving women on to become complete."
-Betty Friedan, 1963
All of Friedan's goals for women have been achieved. As Susan Etheridge, for the New York Times notes, "American women are wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were at that time. They're more likely to work outside the home, and more likely to earn salaries comparable to men's when they do. They can leave abusive marriages and sue sexist employers. They enjoy unprecedented control over their own fertility. On some fronts - graduation rates, life expectancy and even job security -men look increasingly like the second sex."
But ironically, feminism's quest for women's happiness has only resulted in a greater level of unhappiness for women. In the sixties, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of "the problem with no name," American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that statistic has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, while female happiness has declined. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.
This is "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," the subject of a provocative paper published earlier this month by economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. The authors are perplexed about the incongruity between how much women's lives have objectively improved, and how happy they subjectively feel.
By most objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved dramatically over the past 35 years. Moreover, women believe that their lives are better; in recent polls asking about changes in the status of women over the past 25 or 50 years, around four in five adults state that the overall status of women in the U.S. has gotten better.... Additionally, the 1999 Virginia Slims Poll found that 72% of women believe that "women having more choices in society today gives women more opportunities to be happy" while only 39% thought that having more choices "makes life more complicated for women." Finally, women today are more likely than men to believe that their opportunities to succeed exceed those of their parents.
Yet trends in self-reported subjective well-being indicate that happiness has shifted toward men and away from women. ... This finding of a decline in women's well-being relative to that of men raises questions about whether modern social constructs have made women worse off... Rather than immediately inferring that the women's movement failed to improve the lot of women, we conclude with ... alternative explanations of this paradox.
The authors begrudgingly admit that feminism could have something to do with the declining rates of happiness for women: "The changes brought about through the women's movement may have decreased women's happiness." But they argue that this is only because " The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one's life is not measuring up...Or women may simply find the complexity and increased pressure in their modern lives to have come at the cost of happiness." They also propose that women may now feel more comfortable being honest about their true happiness and have thus deflated their previously inflated responses. Or, that the increased opportunities available to women may have increased what women require to declare themselves happy.
In the end, they just scratch their heads about the whole thing. They can't understand why feminism didn't deliver the happiness it promised. It pumped its best medicine into woman's veins, but somehow, it just exacerbated the disease.
C.S. Lewis once said, "What does not satisfy when we find it, was not the thing we were desiring."
Feminism's attempt to increase the happiness of woman by having woman control and dictate the terms of her own happiness was doomed to fail.
"God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about His ways. God cannot give us a happiness and peace aprt from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."Â (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
Women can "stretch and stretch," but their own efforts will never "tell them who they are." The real paradox about female happiness is that though she might try, woman will never be able to make herself happy. Nor will men make woman happy. Nor will children, career, prominence, possessions, lifestyle...nor anything else that woman might strive after. Apart from a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ as the rock-solid foundation of joy, woman will never find what she is looking for. Without a vibrant personal relationship with Christ, she will forever ask herself Friedan's painful silent question - "Is this all?"
Being a woman is complicated. I want to have a career. I love my job. I also want to be a great mom. So how does that work? Will it come to be if I am pregnant? Will it come to me if I see my baby born? Or do I try to work and see what that is like? Can I do it all? Is that what God wants for my family? Or do I pick one or the other? Or do I not try to figure it all out...Haha, probably!
A friend sent me this article and it truly hit home. I "know" this cognitively but it was a powerful reminder of the only satisfaction I will find.
The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness
Mary A. Kassian
Why are women so unhappy?
In 1963, Journalist and political activist Betty Friedan published a book that was the catalyst behind the women's movement in the United States. It was the book that "pulled the trigger on history." Friedan had conducted a questionnaire with the women gathered at her 15 year college reunion. She concluded that although these women were doing everything that society said would bring them happiness - that is, getting and staying married, staying home to raise kids, cooking meals and cleaning house, homemaking and home decorating, volunteering - that there were hints of dissatisfaction lingering beneath the surface of their picture-perfect lives. Her question was, "Why are women so unhappy?"
Friedan called the unhappiness of women "the problem that has no name." She pointed her finger at the male-female relationship and theorized that it was to blame. If only woman could leave the traditional role of homemaker behind, be educated and participate in the workplace on the same basis as man, be free to express herself sexually without any restraints, and have society free her from the burden of bearing and caring for children, THEN she would be happy. If woman could dictate the rules, then she and the whole of society would be much better off ... and woman's unhappiness would fade like a garishly patterned cotton drape under the touch of the summer sun.
"The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and brownies, lay beside her husband at night - she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question - "Is this all?"...
If I am right, the problem that has no name stirring in the minds of so many American women today is not a matter of loss of femininity or too much education, or the demands of domesticity. It is far more important than anyone recognizes. It is the key to these other new and old problems which have been torturing women and their husbands and children, and puzzling their doctors and educators for years. It may well be the key to our future as a nation and a culture. We can no longer ignore that voice within women that says: "I want something more than my husband and my children and my home."
Women must stretch and stretch until their own efforts will tell them who they are. They will not need the regard of boy or man to feel alive. And when women do not need to live through their husbands and children... this may be the next step in human evolution.
Who know what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves?... It has barely begun, the search of women for themselves. But the time is at hand when the voices of the feminine mystique can no longer drown out the inner voice that is driving women on to become complete."
-Betty Friedan, 1963
All of Friedan's goals for women have been achieved. As Susan Etheridge, for the New York Times notes, "American women are wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were at that time. They're more likely to work outside the home, and more likely to earn salaries comparable to men's when they do. They can leave abusive marriages and sue sexist employers. They enjoy unprecedented control over their own fertility. On some fronts - graduation rates, life expectancy and even job security -men look increasingly like the second sex."
But ironically, feminism's quest for women's happiness has only resulted in a greater level of unhappiness for women. In the sixties, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of "the problem with no name," American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that statistic has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, while female happiness has declined. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.
This is "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," the subject of a provocative paper published earlier this month by economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. The authors are perplexed about the incongruity between how much women's lives have objectively improved, and how happy they subjectively feel.
By most objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved dramatically over the past 35 years. Moreover, women believe that their lives are better; in recent polls asking about changes in the status of women over the past 25 or 50 years, around four in five adults state that the overall status of women in the U.S. has gotten better.... Additionally, the 1999 Virginia Slims Poll found that 72% of women believe that "women having more choices in society today gives women more opportunities to be happy" while only 39% thought that having more choices "makes life more complicated for women." Finally, women today are more likely than men to believe that their opportunities to succeed exceed those of their parents.
Yet trends in self-reported subjective well-being indicate that happiness has shifted toward men and away from women. ... This finding of a decline in women's well-being relative to that of men raises questions about whether modern social constructs have made women worse off... Rather than immediately inferring that the women's movement failed to improve the lot of women, we conclude with ... alternative explanations of this paradox.
The authors begrudgingly admit that feminism could have something to do with the declining rates of happiness for women: "The changes brought about through the women's movement may have decreased women's happiness." But they argue that this is only because " The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one's life is not measuring up...Or women may simply find the complexity and increased pressure in their modern lives to have come at the cost of happiness." They also propose that women may now feel more comfortable being honest about their true happiness and have thus deflated their previously inflated responses. Or, that the increased opportunities available to women may have increased what women require to declare themselves happy.
In the end, they just scratch their heads about the whole thing. They can't understand why feminism didn't deliver the happiness it promised. It pumped its best medicine into woman's veins, but somehow, it just exacerbated the disease.
C.S. Lewis once said, "What does not satisfy when we find it, was not the thing we were desiring."
Feminism's attempt to increase the happiness of woman by having woman control and dictate the terms of her own happiness was doomed to fail.
"God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about His ways. God cannot give us a happiness and peace aprt from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."Â (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)
Women can "stretch and stretch," but their own efforts will never "tell them who they are." The real paradox about female happiness is that though she might try, woman will never be able to make herself happy. Nor will men make woman happy. Nor will children, career, prominence, possessions, lifestyle...nor anything else that woman might strive after. Apart from a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ as the rock-solid foundation of joy, woman will never find what she is looking for. Without a vibrant personal relationship with Christ, she will forever ask herself Friedan's painful silent question - "Is this all?"
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
lighten up a bit.
I "borrowed" this from my friend, Jonnali's blog,
Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.
-Pablo Picasso
Then I read this,
Let's just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow in the decade to come. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I've done it; it's survivable.) While you're at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted—by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you—trust me—for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.
Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.
(from http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Elizabeth-Gilbert-on-Failure-and-Living-Well/2).
Ahhh. Then some "Sex and the City: the Movie", happened to be on HBO (this made me laugh). Then I ate the rest of the pizza from dinner, that I was supposed to not eat tonight and save for lunch. And that was from the dinner, that I went to by myself, because I felt sad and hungry. This dinner replaced my running workout that was originally planned. I left the office at 7pm, instead of 5pm (hence, while I felt sad and just went to eat pizza, alone...).
So yes, I work hard, I feel like I squeeze the hell out of life because I want it all...not material things (although that is hard too) but ABUNDANT life, from my career, to relationships, to self discovery, to my walk with Christ, etc, etc. I'm not satisfied often. I've always spun this as a good thing, but I realize it is also a downfall. One time in an argument with my dear hubby, he was complaining that I was never satisfied and I "pushed, pushed, pushed'...I had to agree. But argued, yes, but that is good, I always want us to be working on having a better, more happy, more fulfilled marriage. And then he was like, well, yes, but what if all your pushing really makes it harder to even be happy in the first place and then we lose something we had already?
Yeah...Yikes. Don't you hate those moments when someone "gets" you but you didn't want that to happen. I was content with my outlook on my "pushiness" and not asking for a new perspective.
So...trying to chill out, lighten up and slow down. I think growing up, my parents taught me the world is at my fingertips and that I am capable of anything. This has been great. Really. I am confident and determined and want a lot out of everything, as noted. BUT what if I just need to slow down and not PANIC to think about, "what if I don't want to whole world but just what's right here?", or "what if I don't want to be everything and anything, but just who I am right now?....But then I feel conflicted between all the opportunity, choices and LIFE out there and I can't sit still, be calm and just BE.
Help!
Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.
-Pablo Picasso
Then I read this,
Let's just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow in the decade to come. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I've done it; it's survivable.) While you're at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted—by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you—trust me—for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.
Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.
(from http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Elizabeth-Gilbert-on-Failure-and-Living-Well/2).
Ahhh. Then some "Sex and the City: the Movie", happened to be on HBO (this made me laugh). Then I ate the rest of the pizza from dinner, that I was supposed to not eat tonight and save for lunch. And that was from the dinner, that I went to by myself, because I felt sad and hungry. This dinner replaced my running workout that was originally planned. I left the office at 7pm, instead of 5pm (hence, while I felt sad and just went to eat pizza, alone...).
So yes, I work hard, I feel like I squeeze the hell out of life because I want it all...not material things (although that is hard too) but ABUNDANT life, from my career, to relationships, to self discovery, to my walk with Christ, etc, etc. I'm not satisfied often. I've always spun this as a good thing, but I realize it is also a downfall. One time in an argument with my dear hubby, he was complaining that I was never satisfied and I "pushed, pushed, pushed'...I had to agree. But argued, yes, but that is good, I always want us to be working on having a better, more happy, more fulfilled marriage. And then he was like, well, yes, but what if all your pushing really makes it harder to even be happy in the first place and then we lose something we had already?
Yeah...Yikes. Don't you hate those moments when someone "gets" you but you didn't want that to happen. I was content with my outlook on my "pushiness" and not asking for a new perspective.
So...trying to chill out, lighten up and slow down. I think growing up, my parents taught me the world is at my fingertips and that I am capable of anything. This has been great. Really. I am confident and determined and want a lot out of everything, as noted. BUT what if I just need to slow down and not PANIC to think about, "what if I don't want to whole world but just what's right here?", or "what if I don't want to be everything and anything, but just who I am right now?....But then I feel conflicted between all the opportunity, choices and LIFE out there and I can't sit still, be calm and just BE.
Help!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
More Life.
My "African Dad", the man of the couple that I lived with in Kenya, almost 8 year ago, passed away. At his memorial service, one of the speakers said, where he is today is actually more real than where we are right now in this time and life. I liked that. While I thought about titling this post, "loss...and life". I decided on "more life". Because I do believe that on the "other side" it is more "real" than where we are now and our reality (which to us seems as real as can be) is really temporary and so messed up. Yet, since we are on this side of Heaven and eternity, we can't grasp it. We miss people who leave. But our missing is temporary. Time is funny. I hope I can maintain a perspective of this life, time slipping by, but meaning that I am closer to eternity, to "realness" and to use this life and days to be the hands and feet of Jesus. What else matters?
I haven't written much lately. I think its because I haven't felt "moved" by anything. Nothing has really "grabbed" me and shaken me, taken me, enlightened me, etc. Maybe its been my state. Perhaps, not open to new things? Or thoughts? Or convictions? Quite possible. Sometimes I feel hard to things. Other times like a permeable membrane, perhaps too open to everything thing/thought/idea passing my way. Both can be exhausting.
However, the passing of Dad Howell has "got" me. As a 20 year old college student, 8 years ago, the Lord was really turning my world upside down with my faith and bringing me to a new level. Shattering ideas I had or my view of faith...Showing me God worked in ways beyond my imagination, belief and reality. I had the conviction/leading/thought that I was going to go abroad somewhere in the summer. But not with a Christian group, or club. I didn't know what but presentations at FCA or Campus Crusade about mission trips abroad didn't feel "right". I waited. Then, my dear friends, Lauren and Caleb, went to a full gospel business men's luncheon in Gainesville. We had met a network of believers in Gainesville who believed in the fullness of the Holy Spirit and had an active ministry reaching out the the homeless, college student, suburban mom, to all in the community. Well, at this luncheon, two American missionaries were sharing about their ministry in Kenya. Meet Mom and Dad Howell. So, Lauren comes home to tell me about them, and we both "know" that this is it. This is my summer. I email the Howell's and through a series of emails and phone calls (and convincing of my parents- who as you can understand were not quite sure about me going to Kenya with two people I had never met, nor them, all alone, etc, etc), I am heading to Kenya, not knowing what to expect, but confident that God was leading me there and this was about to change my life, faith and well, me.
I get off the airplane in Nairobi, alone, unsure of what to expect, who I would meet and starting to think I might be insane, yet also excited and full of anticipation, and see Mom and Dad Howell in a huge crowd of Africans, holding up a sign with my name on it! From that moment, they felt like family. I spent the summer living with them, sharing life, watching, learning, absorbing and experiencing. That was my seminary. I wrestled with God each night in bed at all that was happening around me. Mom and Dad Howell loved me like a daughter. I've never seen such generosity, hospitality and the raw love of Christ. Talk about literally being the hands and feet of Jesus. Like there is no other purpose or reason to live. Whether we were traveling to have a crusade type ministry up in the rural mountains in Kenya, or we were in the slums of Nairobi, when I woke up in the morning, people were in the home, around the table, being served coffee by Mom, talking, sharing ,praying. Their ministry was loving people, sharing life, being with others. Meeting their needs through praying, loving, and again, being. They didn't have an orphanage or a big ministry in the US supporting them. But they had huge faith and faith that humans can't understand. When we would be getting low on groceries (and funds), we packed up the cabinets and delivered food to neighbors down the way, who were hungry. We'd pray for God's provision. In the morning, waiting at our door, was a bag of fresh vegetables, milk, eggs. I literally saw God provide. Not figuratively, but in the form of potatoes in a sack and even once a live chicken. Really?! Yes. I get chill bumps thinking about it because it was so real. God's presence was so tangible, it was thick in the air.
I could speak and tell of the miracles I saw in Kenya. Miracles like the blind seeing, the lame walking, and spirits being cast out. Yes, they were incredible. But miracles like loving a neighbor, showing hospitality to the unwanted, hugs to the smelly, and friendship to children were vast, all demonstrations of our Lord's love and friendship to His creation and kids. I don't think one miracle is better than another. Beyond a particular miracle, Mom and Dad Howell's passion for living life for eternal purposes has forever changed my life. While I'm not sure how to be "in but not of" this world, as I think they have been in their life, I know God has stretched my heart and ability to minister, love and have the Holy Spirit work through me (despite me) because of their example. I am different. Forever.
Throughout the past 8 years, Mom and Dad Howell have been in my life. They pray for me, advocate for me, call me, love me and encourage me. I remember seeing Dad (in the US) a few months after we'd gotten married. I felt down and some of the hardships of newly wedded "bliss" were heavy on my mind. I will always remember Dad listening but then saying, "Heather, when will I hear of your victories?" When would I claim and live the abundant life in which Christ died on the cross for me to live? Would I live my life in vain of all my Lord did for me on the cross?
Dad Howell preached this message to poor Africans in the hills of Kenya. To the Masai. In other places around the world. To his family and children (much who thought he was just a little too "extreme"). And to me, a 20 year old searching for the fullness of God but unsure of what that meant and scared to "see" because then I knew it was "no turning back". And throughout the past 8 years, as I've struggled, questioned, tried to "run back" but the promises of God keeping me...to give VICTORIES in Christ. Over this world. Over the Evil One. Over my flesh. And as I continue to run this race, full of obstacles, my own flesh, and this world which entices my every sense, I look towards Heaven. Towards MORE than this life. Because Jesus died for such life. Here and in life to come.
I am thankful to God for Mom and Dad Howell. As Dad Howell rests, his work in the name of Jesus continues because Kingdom work continues beyond our time here and I am confident that people will still be moved, changed and loved through Christ because of Dad Howell. In Africa. In Texas (where they are from) and wherever this gal shall go.
Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them". -Revelation 14:13
I haven't written much lately. I think its because I haven't felt "moved" by anything. Nothing has really "grabbed" me and shaken me, taken me, enlightened me, etc. Maybe its been my state. Perhaps, not open to new things? Or thoughts? Or convictions? Quite possible. Sometimes I feel hard to things. Other times like a permeable membrane, perhaps too open to everything thing/thought/idea passing my way. Both can be exhausting.
However, the passing of Dad Howell has "got" me. As a 20 year old college student, 8 years ago, the Lord was really turning my world upside down with my faith and bringing me to a new level. Shattering ideas I had or my view of faith...Showing me God worked in ways beyond my imagination, belief and reality. I had the conviction/leading/thought that I was going to go abroad somewhere in the summer. But not with a Christian group, or club. I didn't know what but presentations at FCA or Campus Crusade about mission trips abroad didn't feel "right". I waited. Then, my dear friends, Lauren and Caleb, went to a full gospel business men's luncheon in Gainesville. We had met a network of believers in Gainesville who believed in the fullness of the Holy Spirit and had an active ministry reaching out the the homeless, college student, suburban mom, to all in the community. Well, at this luncheon, two American missionaries were sharing about their ministry in Kenya. Meet Mom and Dad Howell. So, Lauren comes home to tell me about them, and we both "know" that this is it. This is my summer. I email the Howell's and through a series of emails and phone calls (and convincing of my parents- who as you can understand were not quite sure about me going to Kenya with two people I had never met, nor them, all alone, etc, etc), I am heading to Kenya, not knowing what to expect, but confident that God was leading me there and this was about to change my life, faith and well, me.
I get off the airplane in Nairobi, alone, unsure of what to expect, who I would meet and starting to think I might be insane, yet also excited and full of anticipation, and see Mom and Dad Howell in a huge crowd of Africans, holding up a sign with my name on it! From that moment, they felt like family. I spent the summer living with them, sharing life, watching, learning, absorbing and experiencing. That was my seminary. I wrestled with God each night in bed at all that was happening around me. Mom and Dad Howell loved me like a daughter. I've never seen such generosity, hospitality and the raw love of Christ. Talk about literally being the hands and feet of Jesus. Like there is no other purpose or reason to live. Whether we were traveling to have a crusade type ministry up in the rural mountains in Kenya, or we were in the slums of Nairobi, when I woke up in the morning, people were in the home, around the table, being served coffee by Mom, talking, sharing ,praying. Their ministry was loving people, sharing life, being with others. Meeting their needs through praying, loving, and again, being. They didn't have an orphanage or a big ministry in the US supporting them. But they had huge faith and faith that humans can't understand. When we would be getting low on groceries (and funds), we packed up the cabinets and delivered food to neighbors down the way, who were hungry. We'd pray for God's provision. In the morning, waiting at our door, was a bag of fresh vegetables, milk, eggs. I literally saw God provide. Not figuratively, but in the form of potatoes in a sack and even once a live chicken. Really?! Yes. I get chill bumps thinking about it because it was so real. God's presence was so tangible, it was thick in the air.
I could speak and tell of the miracles I saw in Kenya. Miracles like the blind seeing, the lame walking, and spirits being cast out. Yes, they were incredible. But miracles like loving a neighbor, showing hospitality to the unwanted, hugs to the smelly, and friendship to children were vast, all demonstrations of our Lord's love and friendship to His creation and kids. I don't think one miracle is better than another. Beyond a particular miracle, Mom and Dad Howell's passion for living life for eternal purposes has forever changed my life. While I'm not sure how to be "in but not of" this world, as I think they have been in their life, I know God has stretched my heart and ability to minister, love and have the Holy Spirit work through me (despite me) because of their example. I am different. Forever.
Throughout the past 8 years, Mom and Dad Howell have been in my life. They pray for me, advocate for me, call me, love me and encourage me. I remember seeing Dad (in the US) a few months after we'd gotten married. I felt down and some of the hardships of newly wedded "bliss" were heavy on my mind. I will always remember Dad listening but then saying, "Heather, when will I hear of your victories?" When would I claim and live the abundant life in which Christ died on the cross for me to live? Would I live my life in vain of all my Lord did for me on the cross?
Dad Howell preached this message to poor Africans in the hills of Kenya. To the Masai. In other places around the world. To his family and children (much who thought he was just a little too "extreme"). And to me, a 20 year old searching for the fullness of God but unsure of what that meant and scared to "see" because then I knew it was "no turning back". And throughout the past 8 years, as I've struggled, questioned, tried to "run back" but the promises of God keeping me...to give VICTORIES in Christ. Over this world. Over the Evil One. Over my flesh. And as I continue to run this race, full of obstacles, my own flesh, and this world which entices my every sense, I look towards Heaven. Towards MORE than this life. Because Jesus died for such life. Here and in life to come.
I am thankful to God for Mom and Dad Howell. As Dad Howell rests, his work in the name of Jesus continues because Kingdom work continues beyond our time here and I am confident that people will still be moved, changed and loved through Christ because of Dad Howell. In Africa. In Texas (where they are from) and wherever this gal shall go.
Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them". -Revelation 14:13
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Mama T.
I mean, Mother Teresa.
We've all heard of her and seen pictures of her with orphans surrounding her, right? But have you ever read anything she has wrote? Or really "heard" what she said?
I am blown away by some quotes, so I thought I'd share. My day was intense. The world of social work and counseling can be unforgiving and take, take, take...To fill myself up I was looking for some inspiration and "Mama T" shed the love and grace of God with her words (reflective of God) to my weary heart.
In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.
Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.
I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.
We can do no great things, only small things with great love.
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.
They are all so simple yet I miss it everyday. Lord, help me simplify. Help me love. Give me grace. Love. Love. Love. And then some more. More patience. More smiles. Less irritation. Kindness. Not because it is given to me by a person, but because it has been given to me by You. That is all I need. There is no reason to not EVER be kind. Help me. To not get so tired. To keep going. In Your name. For Your glory. Because each of "them" is you, your child, your world. So broken. So dirty. So weak. As am I. I do not come from a lofty place where I cannot relate. I am as low as anyone. Let me not think highly of myself. I am nothing. A dust in the wind. Yet I have hands, a smile, my time, my life, to give, to be with, to share. Not to judge. Not to look down on. Not to condone. Love.Love.Love. That's it. From my home and family to every home I go into for work or person I meet on the street.
We've all heard of her and seen pictures of her with orphans surrounding her, right? But have you ever read anything she has wrote? Or really "heard" what she said?
I am blown away by some quotes, so I thought I'd share. My day was intense. The world of social work and counseling can be unforgiving and take, take, take...To fill myself up I was looking for some inspiration and "Mama T" shed the love and grace of God with her words (reflective of God) to my weary heart.
In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.
Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.
I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.
I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.
We can do no great things, only small things with great love.
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.
They are all so simple yet I miss it everyday. Lord, help me simplify. Help me love. Give me grace. Love. Love. Love. And then some more. More patience. More smiles. Less irritation. Kindness. Not because it is given to me by a person, but because it has been given to me by You. That is all I need. There is no reason to not EVER be kind. Help me. To not get so tired. To keep going. In Your name. For Your glory. Because each of "them" is you, your child, your world. So broken. So dirty. So weak. As am I. I do not come from a lofty place where I cannot relate. I am as low as anyone. Let me not think highly of myself. I am nothing. A dust in the wind. Yet I have hands, a smile, my time, my life, to give, to be with, to share. Not to judge. Not to look down on. Not to condone. Love.Love.Love. That's it. From my home and family to every home I go into for work or person I meet on the street.
Friday, February 12, 2010
and I continue to learn (lingering effects of a snowstorm).
I have learned to be still. To slow down. That life CAN slow down. Things to do aren't really THAT important. If they don't get done, it's really okay. I don't have to do, check things off, and stay on schedule.
DC is a busy place. Even though I consider myself having a lot "to do" in this city, I probably fall on like the lower 90th percentile of busy people. To get a double date with couple friends, often we must plan months in advance. People have things every night whether its a kickball league, a happy hour, a book club, or something with work, most people don't have many free nights. Plus, people work A LOT. I've learn to "protect" my time in the evenings. That most nights I prefer to come home, have dinner, maybe go to the gym, and be alone. And that is okay. I like it. Yes, I wish Jonathan was here to "do not much" alongside me. But for the most part, I'm content.
However, the snow storm still "slowed" me down. So thank you, snow. Thank you, DC, for being so slow and helpless to remove the snow. Part of me feels like I "lost" a week of my life. But then the other half realizes that a huge part of me is "lost" in the normal week of stress, to do's and long days of obligations.
My commute to work was quite stressful for many reasons (and took 2.5 hours)...As I metroed with the masses, which can induce panic, I tried to remain in my "slow" state of mind and realize that, I haven't been to work all week, if I am two hours late, its not really that big of a deal.
Bethany Dillon's "I am Yours" helped me start the day right despite the huge barrier of metro enabling me to transport in a timely manner. I love Bethany's lyrics, they always speak to me "right where I am". Sometimes praise songs are too "lofty" for me on a Friday, hellish way to work. Ya know?
I am Yours (listen here)
Every darkened crevice
Every hidden place
Every secret that’s inside of me
Though I run from You
I don’t get very far
In my weakness You speak tenderly
You heal this heart of stone
I am not my own
I am Yours....
How can I resist a perfect love like this?
It’s like sunshine and the smell of spring
When I’m covered in Your forgiveness
God, it’s overwhelming
You have called me out of shadows....
Out of darkness into light....
Hemmed in by the hands of mercy....
I’m completely satisfied
*PS: there might be MORE lessons learned. Yes, being "still" for a week and having my head and heart so open and free means I am still processing many thoughts.....sometimes I wish I could shut "them" out too. Maybe that is why I throw myself into work and others most of the time? So I can't hear myself (and God). Hmmm. Interesting, Dr. Freud.
DC is a busy place. Even though I consider myself having a lot "to do" in this city, I probably fall on like the lower 90th percentile of busy people. To get a double date with couple friends, often we must plan months in advance. People have things every night whether its a kickball league, a happy hour, a book club, or something with work, most people don't have many free nights. Plus, people work A LOT. I've learn to "protect" my time in the evenings. That most nights I prefer to come home, have dinner, maybe go to the gym, and be alone. And that is okay. I like it. Yes, I wish Jonathan was here to "do not much" alongside me. But for the most part, I'm content.
However, the snow storm still "slowed" me down. So thank you, snow. Thank you, DC, for being so slow and helpless to remove the snow. Part of me feels like I "lost" a week of my life. But then the other half realizes that a huge part of me is "lost" in the normal week of stress, to do's and long days of obligations.
My commute to work was quite stressful for many reasons (and took 2.5 hours)...As I metroed with the masses, which can induce panic, I tried to remain in my "slow" state of mind and realize that, I haven't been to work all week, if I am two hours late, its not really that big of a deal.
Bethany Dillon's "I am Yours" helped me start the day right despite the huge barrier of metro enabling me to transport in a timely manner. I love Bethany's lyrics, they always speak to me "right where I am". Sometimes praise songs are too "lofty" for me on a Friday, hellish way to work. Ya know?
I am Yours (listen here)
Every darkened crevice
Every hidden place
Every secret that’s inside of me
Though I run from You
I don’t get very far
In my weakness You speak tenderly
You heal this heart of stone
I am not my own
I am Yours....
How can I resist a perfect love like this?
It’s like sunshine and the smell of spring
When I’m covered in Your forgiveness
God, it’s overwhelming
You have called me out of shadows....
Out of darkness into light....
Hemmed in by the hands of mercy....
I’m completely satisfied
*PS: there might be MORE lessons learned. Yes, being "still" for a week and having my head and heart so open and free means I am still processing many thoughts.....sometimes I wish I could shut "them" out too. Maybe that is why I throw myself into work and others most of the time? So I can't hear myself (and God). Hmmm. Interesting, Dr. Freud.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Things to do in a continuing Snow Storm.
Well, I'm still here. And it's still snowing. I went into work yesterday and one thing a snow storm is "good" for is appreciating WORK and being out of the home for a few hours.
Here are some contemplations and things to do if stuck inside while its blizzarding:
-Watch tivoed episodes of "Oprah". I am learning a lot. Geisha's, nuns, sexual predators...this is a fine education! For example, Geisha means "art" and unlike the myths I had believed, sexual favors are not apart of being a geisha. That is an insult to those who practice this art and lifestyle. Moving on to nuns, did you know that their "frock" is symbolic of a wedding dress? Because they are married to Christ! I didn't know that. One young nun (with a sense of humor, I might add) said that being married to Jesus is hard because if the relationship starts to go downhill, she knows its her fault! I actually laughed. And ya know, isn't that true? He never leaves me. I just choose to distance myself from Him sometimes. But wow, vows of celibacy, poverty and obedience. No make up, tweezers, hair styles....I know we are not supposed to be completely indulgent, but I do take joy in a new outfit and having my hair "did".
-Oh and sexual predators, wow. GREAT episode. I've worked with sexual predators in therapy and lots of people who are survivors of sexual abuse and I loved the information shared to clear up ideas of how sexual abuse takes place and myths that victims BELIEVE. It was a powerful episode. I won't go into much more details, because I am always "that" girl who suddenly brings up sexual abuse at happy hour and all of the sudden, everyone is like, ddoooo duuuuu (i need a sound effect), here is "Debbie downer". Ha ha. That is why I LOVE and NEED my social worker friends, our happy hours are full of such "peppy" but honest and tough conversation (and venting and support). It can be lonely to be so fully aware of the suffering, pain, unfair and disgusting things that happen in the world....hence, why I often like to "bust" the bubble of happy, go lucky happy hours :) Ha. I am kinda joking. And my job effects my personality and self in every way possible. I can't leave "untouched", nor would I want too.
Check it out. I think it's important. Link is here.
- Eating pie for breakfast. Because I am very sick of cereal (this has been the staple of my "snow" diet for the past 5 days) and one of our favorite restaurants was open on my trudge home from the metro last night, so I picked up two pieces of pie to go. One for last night, and one for breakfast. So I have on my fleece polka dot pj's, favorite ugg slippers (bday present from Jonathan and new must have for winter!), hot coffee, and blueberry pie. Yum.
-I'm very glad my sister lives so close. We trudged (I've already used this word but there really is not a better way to describe it) to the gym on Monday, during its window of being open, to get out our antsyness and then went to several grocery stores to try to find some food. The shelves are pretty bare and there weren't many fresh veggies/meat to buy...But I managed to stock up on cereal, milk and some bread. PB and J's. Cereal. Frozen Pizza. Canned soups. Beer. Wine. Coffee. Crystal light pink lemonade. These are things one eats during multiple snow storms.
-Go to lots of websites and get caught up on all kinds of gossip, blogs, some meaningful and some meaningless. For example, check out this one for all kinds of Bachelor spoilers and commentary. I think its hilarious!! Especially the part about Vienna and Florida....She is from the same town, Sanford, that my mother grew up in, and her boat right with alligators and turtles is so FLORIDA. I laughed and at this guy, reality Steve's, commentary. I've always been a sucker for the show because of the entertainment factor even though I think its unrealistic and completely demoralizing for women. However, in college, we had a personal link to the Bachelor (Jesse Palmer, who used to live in Jonathan's apartment and his secret friend, Jenny, who was on the show and the cousin of my best friend, Lauren) and on this round, Corrie, went to my high school. And Corrie was awesome! Even though I know her big sister much better, I was proud. So that kinda justifies it, right?
-Movies. So far I've watched Coraline (cute), The Proposal (much better than i was expecting!), The Class (foreign and good), Revolutionary Road (again, i love it, but most people think its depressing), Yes Man (i liked the message and laughed)....
-TV shows. Well, I already admitted that I watch the Bachelor. I really don't get "into" many shows. Never watched Lost, or 24, or other cult favorites. I have been known to tivo, "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and a new series I just saw for the first time, "Life Unexpected". Pretty good, too. Ever seen them? And Gossip Girl is a completely guilty pleasure that I would put up there with the Bachelor. Eek. I wonder now that I am 28 if I should start watching shows that focus more on adults living actual realistic lives instead of teenagers? Hmm. I just can't get into them...I am drawn to "Criminal Minds" and "Intervention" but I don't think that will help me with my "happy hour social skills" deficits.
Well, now that I've confessed my activities for the past several days, I think I should read, do work and try to "revive" the brain cells that I've neglected or let die. I will keep you posted.
Happy snow day. Or sun day. Or humid day with limitless sunshine (if you are a beloved Florida relative or friend). Or just a regular Wednesday.
Here are some contemplations and things to do if stuck inside while its blizzarding:
-Watch tivoed episodes of "Oprah". I am learning a lot. Geisha's, nuns, sexual predators...this is a fine education! For example, Geisha means "art" and unlike the myths I had believed, sexual favors are not apart of being a geisha. That is an insult to those who practice this art and lifestyle. Moving on to nuns, did you know that their "frock" is symbolic of a wedding dress? Because they are married to Christ! I didn't know that. One young nun (with a sense of humor, I might add) said that being married to Jesus is hard because if the relationship starts to go downhill, she knows its her fault! I actually laughed. And ya know, isn't that true? He never leaves me. I just choose to distance myself from Him sometimes. But wow, vows of celibacy, poverty and obedience. No make up, tweezers, hair styles....I know we are not supposed to be completely indulgent, but I do take joy in a new outfit and having my hair "did".
-Oh and sexual predators, wow. GREAT episode. I've worked with sexual predators in therapy and lots of people who are survivors of sexual abuse and I loved the information shared to clear up ideas of how sexual abuse takes place and myths that victims BELIEVE. It was a powerful episode. I won't go into much more details, because I am always "that" girl who suddenly brings up sexual abuse at happy hour and all of the sudden, everyone is like, ddoooo duuuuu (i need a sound effect), here is "Debbie downer". Ha ha. That is why I LOVE and NEED my social worker friends, our happy hours are full of such "peppy" but honest and tough conversation (and venting and support). It can be lonely to be so fully aware of the suffering, pain, unfair and disgusting things that happen in the world....hence, why I often like to "bust" the bubble of happy, go lucky happy hours :) Ha. I am kinda joking. And my job effects my personality and self in every way possible. I can't leave "untouched", nor would I want too.
Check it out. I think it's important. Link is here.
- Eating pie for breakfast. Because I am very sick of cereal (this has been the staple of my "snow" diet for the past 5 days) and one of our favorite restaurants was open on my trudge home from the metro last night, so I picked up two pieces of pie to go. One for last night, and one for breakfast. So I have on my fleece polka dot pj's, favorite ugg slippers (bday present from Jonathan and new must have for winter!), hot coffee, and blueberry pie. Yum.
-I'm very glad my sister lives so close. We trudged (I've already used this word but there really is not a better way to describe it) to the gym on Monday, during its window of being open, to get out our antsyness and then went to several grocery stores to try to find some food. The shelves are pretty bare and there weren't many fresh veggies/meat to buy...But I managed to stock up on cereal, milk and some bread. PB and J's. Cereal. Frozen Pizza. Canned soups. Beer. Wine. Coffee. Crystal light pink lemonade. These are things one eats during multiple snow storms.
-Go to lots of websites and get caught up on all kinds of gossip, blogs, some meaningful and some meaningless. For example, check out this one for all kinds of Bachelor spoilers and commentary. I think its hilarious!! Especially the part about Vienna and Florida....She is from the same town, Sanford, that my mother grew up in, and her boat right with alligators and turtles is so FLORIDA. I laughed and at this guy, reality Steve's, commentary. I've always been a sucker for the show because of the entertainment factor even though I think its unrealistic and completely demoralizing for women. However, in college, we had a personal link to the Bachelor (Jesse Palmer, who used to live in Jonathan's apartment and his secret friend, Jenny, who was on the show and the cousin of my best friend, Lauren) and on this round, Corrie, went to my high school. And Corrie was awesome! Even though I know her big sister much better, I was proud. So that kinda justifies it, right?
-Movies. So far I've watched Coraline (cute), The Proposal (much better than i was expecting!), The Class (foreign and good), Revolutionary Road (again, i love it, but most people think its depressing), Yes Man (i liked the message and laughed)....
-TV shows. Well, I already admitted that I watch the Bachelor. I really don't get "into" many shows. Never watched Lost, or 24, or other cult favorites. I have been known to tivo, "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and a new series I just saw for the first time, "Life Unexpected". Pretty good, too. Ever seen them? And Gossip Girl is a completely guilty pleasure that I would put up there with the Bachelor. Eek. I wonder now that I am 28 if I should start watching shows that focus more on adults living actual realistic lives instead of teenagers? Hmm. I just can't get into them...I am drawn to "Criminal Minds" and "Intervention" but I don't think that will help me with my "happy hour social skills" deficits.
Well, now that I've confessed my activities for the past several days, I think I should read, do work and try to "revive" the brain cells that I've neglected or let die. I will keep you posted.
Happy snow day. Or sun day. Or humid day with limitless sunshine (if you are a beloved Florida relative or friend). Or just a regular Wednesday.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snowtorious B.I.G.
I love the snow! Winter Wonderland in our backyard.
Car is officially buried.
Scene of the big snowball fight.
Jonathan showing his skill in snowball launching.
Dupont Circle Snowball fight.The title is one name I've heard DCer's calling this Blizzard in 2010 and it made me laugh. So there you go.
We ventured out of the house to check out a huge snowball fight at Dupont Circle organized via Twitter and Facebook. It was quite a scene. They predicted about 4,000 people were in attendance launching snow balls amidst the scenic fountain and landmark.
I like that DC has spunk in a snow storm. I guess its because we are lucky enough to live close enough to walk to places that remain open for people similar to us, one Starbucks was open with a line out the door and the few bars/restaurants open were packed. There is no way you could drive anywhere. See the picture with our car. Well, you can't really tell its a car. I'm not sure how we will dig out because I don't know where the snow will go! DC is supposed to have below freezing temps this upcoming week, so it won't be melting. It shall be interesting! Maybe Jonathan will be trapped here and be here all week. That sounds fun.
With all this snow, I can't help but be awed by its beauty. It's blinding when you go outside because its so white and the sun's reflection is bright. Upon returning to the condo, it takes our eyes a bit to adjust.
"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow"
-Isaiah 1:18b
As the snow covers dirty streets, old cars parked along the side, and unkempt gardens to make any place full of beauty, the blood of Christ also covers us to give us such spotlessness, amidst our ugliness, depravity and utter sinfulness. I am thankful for such a powerful reminder and image through our snow covered city. Happy Saturday.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Jesus.
My faith has changed over the years. I can't really wrap my head around it. But I am okay with that. The Lord has used so many different kinds of experiences to make me know Him more. And my idea of Him and how I relate to Him and interpret Him and live my life for Him constantly changes as well.
I don't think we are supposed to know all the answers and sometimes I get frustrated when Christians and theologians ask questions and sit around talking about things that I don't think God intends us to know and that we never WILL know, so why waste time talking about them and trying to figure it out? Isn't it more effective as the church and God's hands and feet on earth to DO things for His Kingdom, rather than THINK about them?
" For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God"...."The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise , that they are futile" I Corinthians 3:19.
We are all fools. Seriously. As I realize my own foolishness, I often search for things I can know and confirm. In a culture where social justice is becoming a politically correct cause, where I am surrounded by really, really good and hardworking and the best intentioned people who give their lives to help people, and a society in which the "grey" areas are becoming absolutes (so there are not any absolutes) I often find myself sliding down a slippery slope and not sure where to stop and catch myself (and if I want to ). Do I really believe? Can I really take a stand? What about all of this grey? What is true?
This being said, I read the following and I needed it. Sometimes, because I am so "in" this world I start to become *of* the world, yet the Lord is good to always bring me back to Him and the truth. My identity in Christ is always there even if I am not mindful of it 100% of the time. I am grateful to be in this place in life, not under the church doors, not surrounded by Christians and people "like" me, because I am being challenged more than ever before. Stretched. Grown. I have to decide things and stand up for beliefs despite opposition. It's not the "cool" thing and come on, even as adults, we have peer pressure. I remember writing this quote in my journal as a middle schooler, "Some people love to dwell near church with choir and steeple bell. But I want to run a rescue station a yard from the gates of Hell," (missionary, CT Studd). Maybe I knew a legalistic, southern baptist church bubble without any kind of diversityand "real world" wouldn't last for long and God was moving me. It's funny because if I would have had it my way I would have continued my desired "bubble" into college. Instead the Lord yanked that "dream" away from me and put me at the University of Florida, which was not where I had imagined myself for billions of reasons. That is another story, but God is faithful and I'm glad He is in charge of my life and not me.
So here it is.... A powerful reminder of all we have in Jesus.
A Jesus Manifesto for the 21st Century Church
by Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola
Christians have made the gospel about so many things … things other than Christ.
Jesus Christ is the gravitational pull that brings everything together and gives them significance, reality, and meaning. Without him, all things lose their value. Without him, all things are but detached pieces floating around in space.
It is possible to emphasize a spiritual truth, value, virtue, or gift, yet miss Christ . . . who is the embodiment and incarnation of all spiritual truth, values, virtues, and gifts.
Seek a truth, a value, a virtue, or a spiritual gift, and you have obtained something dead.
Seek Christ, embrace Christ, know Christ, and you have touched him who is Life. And in him resides all Truth, Values, Virtues and Gifts in living color. Beauty has its meaning in the beauty of Christ, in whom is found all that makes us lovely and loveable.
What is Christianity? It is Christ. Nothing more. Nothing less. Christianity is not an ideology. Christianity is not a philosophy. Christianity is the “good news” that Beauty, Truth and Goodness are found in a person. Biblical community is founded and found on the connection to that person. Conversion is more than a change in direction; it’s a change in connection. Jesus’ use of the ancient Hebrew word shubh, or its Aramaic equivalent, to call for “repentance” implies not viewing God from a distance, but entering into a relationship where God is command central of the human connection.
In that regard, we feel a massive disconnection in the church today. Thus this manifesto.
We believe that the major disease of the church today is JDD: Jesus Deficit Disorder. The person of Jesus is increasingly politically incorrect, and is being replaced by the language of “justice,” “the kingdom of God,” “values,” and “leadership principles.”
In this hour, the testimony that we feel God has called us to bear centers on the primacy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Specifically . . .
1. The center and circumference of the Christian life is none other than the person of Christ. All other things, including things related to him and about him, are eclipsed by the sight of his peerless worth. Knowing Christ is Eternal Life. And knowing him profoundly, deeply, and in reality, as well as experiencing his unsearchable riches, is the chief pursuit of our lives, as it was for the first Christians. God is not so much about fixing things that have gone wrong in our lives as finding us in our brokenness and giving us Christ.
2. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his teachings. Aristotle says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Socrates says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Buddha says to his disciples, “Follow my meditations.” Confucius says to his disciples, “Follow my sayings.” Muhammad says to his disciples, “Follow my noble pillars.” Jesus says to his disciples, “Follow me.” In all other religions, a follower can follow the teachings of its founder without having a relationship with that founder. Not so with Jesus Christ. The teachings of Jesus cannot be separated from Jesus himself. Jesus Christ is still alive and he embodies his teachings. It is a profound mistake, therefore, to treat Christ as simply the founder of a set of moral, ethical, or social teaching. The Lord Jesus and his teaching are one. The Medium and the Message are One. Christ is the incarnation of the Kingdom of God and the Sermon on the Mount.
3. God’s grand mission and eternal purpose in the earth and in heaven centers in Christ . . . both the individual Christ (the Head) and the corporate Christ (the Body). This universe is moving towards one final goal – the fullness of Christ where He shall fill all things with himself. To be truly missional, then, means constructing one’s life and ministry on Christ. He is both the heart and bloodstream of God’s plan. To miss this is to miss the plot; indeed, it is to miss everything.
4. Being a follower of Jesus does not involve imitation so much as it does implantation and impartation. Incarnation–the notion that God connects to us in baby form and human touch—is the most shocking doctrine of the Christian religion. The incarnation is both once-and-for-all and ongoing, as the One “who was and is to come” now is and lives his resurrection life in and through us. Incarnation doesn’t just apply to Jesus; it applies to every one of us. Of course, not in the same sacramental way. But close. We have been given God’s “Spirit” which makes Christ “real” in our lives. We have been made, as Peter puts it, “partakers of the divine nature.” How, then, in the face of so great a truth can we ask for toys and trinkets? How can we lust after lesser gifts and itch for religious and spiritual thingys? We’ve been touched from on high by the fires of the Almighty and given divine life. A life that has passed through death – the very resurrection life of the Son of God himself. How can we not be fired up?
To put it in a question: What was the engine, or the accelerator, of the Lord’s amazing life? What was the taproot or the headwaters of his outward behavior? It was this: Jesus lived by an indwelling Father. After his resurrection, the passage has now moved. What God the Father was to Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ is to you and to me. He’s our indwelling Presence, and we share in the life of Jesus’ own relationship with the Father. There is a vast ocean of difference between trying to compel Christians to imitate Jesus and learning how to impart an implanted Christ. The former only ends up in failure and frustration. The latter is the gateway to life and joy in our daying and our dying. We stand with Paul: “Christ lives in me.” Our life is Christ. In him do we live, breathe, and have our being. “What would Jesus do?” is not Christianity. Christianity asks: “What is Christ doing through me … through us? And how is Jesus doing it?” Following Jesus means “trust and obey” (respond), and living by his indwelling life through the power of the Spirit.
5. The “Jesus of history” cannot be disconnected from the “Christ of faith.” The Jesus who walked the shores of Galilee is the same person who indwells the church today. There is no disconnect between the Jesus of Mark’s Gospel and the incredible, all-inclusive, cosmic Christ of Paul’s letter to the Colossians. The Christ who lived in the first century has a pre-existence before time. He also has a post-existence after time. He is Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, A and Z, all at the same time. He stands in the future and at the end of time at the same moment that He indwells every child of God. Failure to embrace these paradoxical truths has created monumental problems and has diminished the greatness of Christ in the eyes of God’s people.
6. It’s possible to confuse “the cause” of Christ with the person of Christ. When the early church said “Jesus is Lord,” they did not mean “Jesus is my core value.” Jesus isn’t a cause; he is a real and living person who can be known, loved, experienced, enthroned and embodied. Focusing on his cause or mission doesn’t equate focusing on or following him. It’s all too possible to serve “the god” of serving Jesus as opposed to serving him out of an enraptured heart that’s been captivated by his irresistible beauty and unfathomable love. Jesus led us to think of God differently, as relationship, as the God of all relationship.
7. Jesus Christ was not a social activist nor a moral philosopher. To pitch him that way is to drain his glory and dilute his excellence. Justice apart from Christ is a dead thing. The only battering ram that can storm the gates of hell is not the cry of Justice, but the name of Jesus. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of Justice, Peace, Holiness, Righteousness. He is the sum of all spiritual things, the “strange attractor” of the cosmos. When Jesus becomes an abstraction, faith loses its reproductive power. Jesus did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live.
8. It is possible to confuse an academic knowledge or theology about Jesus with a personal knowledge of the living Christ himself. These two stand as far apart as do the hundred thousand million galaxies. The fullness of Christ can never be accessed through the frontal lobe alone. Christian faith claims to be rational, but also to reach out to touch ultimate mysteries. The cure for a big head is a big heart.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with CliffsNotes for a systematic theology. He leaves his disciples with breath and body.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with a coherent and clear belief system by which to love God and others. Jesus gives his disciples wounds to touch and hands to heal.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with intellectual belief or a “Christian worldview.” He leaves his disciples with a relational faith.
Christians don’t follow a book. Christians follow a person, and this library of divinely inspired books we call “The Holy Bible” best help us follow that person. The Written Word is a map that leads us to The Living Word. Or as Jesus himself put it, “All Scripture testifies of me.” The Bible is not the destination; it’s a compass that points to Christ, heaven’s North Star.
The Bible does not offer a plan or a blueprint for living. The “good news” was not a new set of laws, or a new set of ethical injunctions, or a new and better PLAN. The “good news” was the story of a person’s life, as reflected in The Apostle’s Creed. The Mystery of Faith proclaims this narrative: “Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.” The meaning of Christianity does not come from allegiance to complex theological doctrines, but a passionate love for a way of living in the world that revolves around following Jesus, who taught that love is what makes life a success . . . not wealth or health or anything else: but love. And God is love.
9. Only Jesus can transfix and then transfigure the void at the heart of the church. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his church. While Jesus is distinct from his Bride, he is not separate from her. She is in fact his very own Body in the earth. God has chosen to vest all of power, authority, and life in the living Christ. And God in Christ is only known fully in and through his church. (As Paul said, “The manifold wisdom of God – which is Christ – is known through the ekklesia.”)
The Christian life, therefore, is not an individual pursuit. It’s a corporate journey. Knowing Christ and making him known is not an individual prospect. Those who insist on flying life solo will be brought to earth, with a crash. Thus Christ and his church are intimately joined and connected. What God has joined together, let no person put asunder. We were made for life with God; our only happiness is found in life with God. And God’s own pleasure and delight is found therein as well.
10. In a world which sings, “Oh, who is this Jesus?” and a church which sings, “Oh, let’s all be like Jesus,” who will sing with lungs of leather, “Oh, how we love Jesus!”
If Jesus could rise from the dead, we can at least rise from our bed, get off our couches and pews, and respond to the Lord’s resurrection life within us, joining Jesus in what he’s up to in the world. We call on others to join us—not in removing ourselves from planet Earth, but to plant our feet more firmly on the Earth while our spirits soar in the heavens of God’s pleasure and purpose. We are not of this world, but we live in this world for the Lord’s rights and interests. We, collectively, as the ekklesia of God, are Christ in and to this world.
May God have a people on this earth who are a people of Christ, through Christ, and for Christ. A people of the cross. A people who are consumed with God’s eternal passion, which is to make his Son preeminent, supreme, and the head over all things visible and invisible. A people who have discovered the touch of the Almighty in the face of his glorious Son. A people who wish to know only Christ and him crucified, and to let everything else fall by the wayside. A people who are laying hold of his depths, discovering his riches, touching his life, and receiving his love, and making HIM in all of his unfathomable glory known to others.
The two of us may disagree about many things—be they ecclesiology, eschatology, soteriology, not to mention economics, globalism and politics.
But in our two most recent books—From Eternity to Here and So Beautiful—we have sounded forth a united trumpet. These books are the Manifests to this Manifesto. They each present the vision that has captured our hearts and that we wish to impart to the Body of Christ— “This ONE THING I know” (Jn.9:25) that is the ONE THING that unites us all:
Jesus the Christ.
Christians don’t follow Christianity; Christians follow Christ.
Christians don’t preach themselves; Christians proclaim Christ.
Christians don’t point people to core values; Christians point people to the cross.
Christians don’t preach about Christ: Christians preach Christ.
Over 300 years ago a German pastor wrote a hymn that built around the Name above all names:
Ask ye what great thing I know, that delights and stirs me so?
What the high reward I win? Whose the name I glory in?
Jesus Christ, the crucified.
This is that great thing I know; this delights and stirs me so:
faith in him who died to save, His who triumphed o’er the grave:
Jesus Christ, the crucified.
—
Jesus Christ – the crucified, resurrected, enthroned, triumphant, living Lord.
He is our Pursuit, our Passion, and our Life.
Amen.
I don't think we are supposed to know all the answers and sometimes I get frustrated when Christians and theologians ask questions and sit around talking about things that I don't think God intends us to know and that we never WILL know, so why waste time talking about them and trying to figure it out? Isn't it more effective as the church and God's hands and feet on earth to DO things for His Kingdom, rather than THINK about them?
" For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God"...."The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise , that they are futile" I Corinthians 3:19.
We are all fools. Seriously. As I realize my own foolishness, I often search for things I can know and confirm. In a culture where social justice is becoming a politically correct cause, where I am surrounded by really, really good and hardworking and the best intentioned people who give their lives to help people, and a society in which the "grey" areas are becoming absolutes (so there are not any absolutes) I often find myself sliding down a slippery slope and not sure where to stop and catch myself (and if I want to ). Do I really believe? Can I really take a stand? What about all of this grey? What is true?
This being said, I read the following and I needed it. Sometimes, because I am so "in" this world I start to become *of* the world, yet the Lord is good to always bring me back to Him and the truth. My identity in Christ is always there even if I am not mindful of it 100% of the time. I am grateful to be in this place in life, not under the church doors, not surrounded by Christians and people "like" me, because I am being challenged more than ever before. Stretched. Grown. I have to decide things and stand up for beliefs despite opposition. It's not the "cool" thing and come on, even as adults, we have peer pressure. I remember writing this quote in my journal as a middle schooler, "Some people love to dwell near church with choir and steeple bell. But I want to run a rescue station a yard from the gates of Hell," (missionary, CT Studd). Maybe I knew a legalistic, southern baptist church bubble without any kind of diversityand "real world" wouldn't last for long and God was moving me. It's funny because if I would have had it my way I would have continued my desired "bubble" into college. Instead the Lord yanked that "dream" away from me and put me at the University of Florida, which was not where I had imagined myself for billions of reasons. That is another story, but God is faithful and I'm glad He is in charge of my life and not me.
So here it is.... A powerful reminder of all we have in Jesus.
A Jesus Manifesto for the 21st Century Church
by Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola
Christians have made the gospel about so many things … things other than Christ.
Jesus Christ is the gravitational pull that brings everything together and gives them significance, reality, and meaning. Without him, all things lose their value. Without him, all things are but detached pieces floating around in space.
It is possible to emphasize a spiritual truth, value, virtue, or gift, yet miss Christ . . . who is the embodiment and incarnation of all spiritual truth, values, virtues, and gifts.
Seek a truth, a value, a virtue, or a spiritual gift, and you have obtained something dead.
Seek Christ, embrace Christ, know Christ, and you have touched him who is Life. And in him resides all Truth, Values, Virtues and Gifts in living color. Beauty has its meaning in the beauty of Christ, in whom is found all that makes us lovely and loveable.
What is Christianity? It is Christ. Nothing more. Nothing less. Christianity is not an ideology. Christianity is not a philosophy. Christianity is the “good news” that Beauty, Truth and Goodness are found in a person. Biblical community is founded and found on the connection to that person. Conversion is more than a change in direction; it’s a change in connection. Jesus’ use of the ancient Hebrew word shubh, or its Aramaic equivalent, to call for “repentance” implies not viewing God from a distance, but entering into a relationship where God is command central of the human connection.
In that regard, we feel a massive disconnection in the church today. Thus this manifesto.
We believe that the major disease of the church today is JDD: Jesus Deficit Disorder. The person of Jesus is increasingly politically incorrect, and is being replaced by the language of “justice,” “the kingdom of God,” “values,” and “leadership principles.”
In this hour, the testimony that we feel God has called us to bear centers on the primacy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Specifically . . .
1. The center and circumference of the Christian life is none other than the person of Christ. All other things, including things related to him and about him, are eclipsed by the sight of his peerless worth. Knowing Christ is Eternal Life. And knowing him profoundly, deeply, and in reality, as well as experiencing his unsearchable riches, is the chief pursuit of our lives, as it was for the first Christians. God is not so much about fixing things that have gone wrong in our lives as finding us in our brokenness and giving us Christ.
2. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his teachings. Aristotle says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Socrates says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Buddha says to his disciples, “Follow my meditations.” Confucius says to his disciples, “Follow my sayings.” Muhammad says to his disciples, “Follow my noble pillars.” Jesus says to his disciples, “Follow me.” In all other religions, a follower can follow the teachings of its founder without having a relationship with that founder. Not so with Jesus Christ. The teachings of Jesus cannot be separated from Jesus himself. Jesus Christ is still alive and he embodies his teachings. It is a profound mistake, therefore, to treat Christ as simply the founder of a set of moral, ethical, or social teaching. The Lord Jesus and his teaching are one. The Medium and the Message are One. Christ is the incarnation of the Kingdom of God and the Sermon on the Mount.
3. God’s grand mission and eternal purpose in the earth and in heaven centers in Christ . . . both the individual Christ (the Head) and the corporate Christ (the Body). This universe is moving towards one final goal – the fullness of Christ where He shall fill all things with himself. To be truly missional, then, means constructing one’s life and ministry on Christ. He is both the heart and bloodstream of God’s plan. To miss this is to miss the plot; indeed, it is to miss everything.
4. Being a follower of Jesus does not involve imitation so much as it does implantation and impartation. Incarnation–the notion that God connects to us in baby form and human touch—is the most shocking doctrine of the Christian religion. The incarnation is both once-and-for-all and ongoing, as the One “who was and is to come” now is and lives his resurrection life in and through us. Incarnation doesn’t just apply to Jesus; it applies to every one of us. Of course, not in the same sacramental way. But close. We have been given God’s “Spirit” which makes Christ “real” in our lives. We have been made, as Peter puts it, “partakers of the divine nature.” How, then, in the face of so great a truth can we ask for toys and trinkets? How can we lust after lesser gifts and itch for religious and spiritual thingys? We’ve been touched from on high by the fires of the Almighty and given divine life. A life that has passed through death – the very resurrection life of the Son of God himself. How can we not be fired up?
To put it in a question: What was the engine, or the accelerator, of the Lord’s amazing life? What was the taproot or the headwaters of his outward behavior? It was this: Jesus lived by an indwelling Father. After his resurrection, the passage has now moved. What God the Father was to Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ is to you and to me. He’s our indwelling Presence, and we share in the life of Jesus’ own relationship with the Father. There is a vast ocean of difference between trying to compel Christians to imitate Jesus and learning how to impart an implanted Christ. The former only ends up in failure and frustration. The latter is the gateway to life and joy in our daying and our dying. We stand with Paul: “Christ lives in me.” Our life is Christ. In him do we live, breathe, and have our being. “What would Jesus do?” is not Christianity. Christianity asks: “What is Christ doing through me … through us? And how is Jesus doing it?” Following Jesus means “trust and obey” (respond), and living by his indwelling life through the power of the Spirit.
5. The “Jesus of history” cannot be disconnected from the “Christ of faith.” The Jesus who walked the shores of Galilee is the same person who indwells the church today. There is no disconnect between the Jesus of Mark’s Gospel and the incredible, all-inclusive, cosmic Christ of Paul’s letter to the Colossians. The Christ who lived in the first century has a pre-existence before time. He also has a post-existence after time. He is Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, A and Z, all at the same time. He stands in the future and at the end of time at the same moment that He indwells every child of God. Failure to embrace these paradoxical truths has created monumental problems and has diminished the greatness of Christ in the eyes of God’s people.
6. It’s possible to confuse “the cause” of Christ with the person of Christ. When the early church said “Jesus is Lord,” they did not mean “Jesus is my core value.” Jesus isn’t a cause; he is a real and living person who can be known, loved, experienced, enthroned and embodied. Focusing on his cause or mission doesn’t equate focusing on or following him. It’s all too possible to serve “the god” of serving Jesus as opposed to serving him out of an enraptured heart that’s been captivated by his irresistible beauty and unfathomable love. Jesus led us to think of God differently, as relationship, as the God of all relationship.
7. Jesus Christ was not a social activist nor a moral philosopher. To pitch him that way is to drain his glory and dilute his excellence. Justice apart from Christ is a dead thing. The only battering ram that can storm the gates of hell is not the cry of Justice, but the name of Jesus. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of Justice, Peace, Holiness, Righteousness. He is the sum of all spiritual things, the “strange attractor” of the cosmos. When Jesus becomes an abstraction, faith loses its reproductive power. Jesus did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live.
8. It is possible to confuse an academic knowledge or theology about Jesus with a personal knowledge of the living Christ himself. These two stand as far apart as do the hundred thousand million galaxies. The fullness of Christ can never be accessed through the frontal lobe alone. Christian faith claims to be rational, but also to reach out to touch ultimate mysteries. The cure for a big head is a big heart.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with CliffsNotes for a systematic theology. He leaves his disciples with breath and body.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with a coherent and clear belief system by which to love God and others. Jesus gives his disciples wounds to touch and hands to heal.
Jesus does not leave his disciples with intellectual belief or a “Christian worldview.” He leaves his disciples with a relational faith.
Christians don’t follow a book. Christians follow a person, and this library of divinely inspired books we call “The Holy Bible” best help us follow that person. The Written Word is a map that leads us to The Living Word. Or as Jesus himself put it, “All Scripture testifies of me.” The Bible is not the destination; it’s a compass that points to Christ, heaven’s North Star.
The Bible does not offer a plan or a blueprint for living. The “good news” was not a new set of laws, or a new set of ethical injunctions, or a new and better PLAN. The “good news” was the story of a person’s life, as reflected in The Apostle’s Creed. The Mystery of Faith proclaims this narrative: “Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.” The meaning of Christianity does not come from allegiance to complex theological doctrines, but a passionate love for a way of living in the world that revolves around following Jesus, who taught that love is what makes life a success . . . not wealth or health or anything else: but love. And God is love.
9. Only Jesus can transfix and then transfigure the void at the heart of the church. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his church. While Jesus is distinct from his Bride, he is not separate from her. She is in fact his very own Body in the earth. God has chosen to vest all of power, authority, and life in the living Christ. And God in Christ is only known fully in and through his church. (As Paul said, “The manifold wisdom of God – which is Christ – is known through the ekklesia.”)
The Christian life, therefore, is not an individual pursuit. It’s a corporate journey. Knowing Christ and making him known is not an individual prospect. Those who insist on flying life solo will be brought to earth, with a crash. Thus Christ and his church are intimately joined and connected. What God has joined together, let no person put asunder. We were made for life with God; our only happiness is found in life with God. And God’s own pleasure and delight is found therein as well.
10. In a world which sings, “Oh, who is this Jesus?” and a church which sings, “Oh, let’s all be like Jesus,” who will sing with lungs of leather, “Oh, how we love Jesus!”
If Jesus could rise from the dead, we can at least rise from our bed, get off our couches and pews, and respond to the Lord’s resurrection life within us, joining Jesus in what he’s up to in the world. We call on others to join us—not in removing ourselves from planet Earth, but to plant our feet more firmly on the Earth while our spirits soar in the heavens of God’s pleasure and purpose. We are not of this world, but we live in this world for the Lord’s rights and interests. We, collectively, as the ekklesia of God, are Christ in and to this world.
May God have a people on this earth who are a people of Christ, through Christ, and for Christ. A people of the cross. A people who are consumed with God’s eternal passion, which is to make his Son preeminent, supreme, and the head over all things visible and invisible. A people who have discovered the touch of the Almighty in the face of his glorious Son. A people who wish to know only Christ and him crucified, and to let everything else fall by the wayside. A people who are laying hold of his depths, discovering his riches, touching his life, and receiving his love, and making HIM in all of his unfathomable glory known to others.
The two of us may disagree about many things—be they ecclesiology, eschatology, soteriology, not to mention economics, globalism and politics.
But in our two most recent books—From Eternity to Here and So Beautiful—we have sounded forth a united trumpet. These books are the Manifests to this Manifesto. They each present the vision that has captured our hearts and that we wish to impart to the Body of Christ— “This ONE THING I know” (Jn.9:25) that is the ONE THING that unites us all:
Jesus the Christ.
Christians don’t follow Christianity; Christians follow Christ.
Christians don’t preach themselves; Christians proclaim Christ.
Christians don’t point people to core values; Christians point people to the cross.
Christians don’t preach about Christ: Christians preach Christ.
Over 300 years ago a German pastor wrote a hymn that built around the Name above all names:
Ask ye what great thing I know, that delights and stirs me so?
What the high reward I win? Whose the name I glory in?
Jesus Christ, the crucified.
This is that great thing I know; this delights and stirs me so:
faith in him who died to save, His who triumphed o’er the grave:
Jesus Christ, the crucified.
—
Jesus Christ – the crucified, resurrected, enthroned, triumphant, living Lord.
He is our Pursuit, our Passion, and our Life.
Amen.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
"Just one of those days...
That a girl goes through when she's angry inside, don't let her take it out on you...."
Who else can sing the lyrics and melody of that song by Monica from back in the day?
If my day had a theme song that should be it. I have the tune in my head tormenting me further.
Without getting into too many details about the entire day (because I can't really handle to hash it out totally but need a little vent) as I was leaving work, I was panicked because I couldn't find my keys. I had my "work" keys that I keep separately on my security badge and lanyard around my neck. But my car key, house keys, gym card/grocery discount card ring was MIA and not in my red tote, which is the only place they should be since parking my car at 8am this morning. I panic tearing apart my desk, crawling on the floor to see if they fell, examining my coat to see if there was holes in the pockets, emailing the entire building (who had already left for the day) to say "Lost keys! Please help", calling the building management company to bug them, interrupting the cleaning crew and trying to remember my Spanish to ask them if they found any keys, probably acting a little "too" panicked around my boss, who noticed that I was frantic as she left for the day...I hate that feeling of losing something and like I am losing my mind! Oh it gets better...So I walk to my car, which is parked about 6 blocks away on the street in Southeast DC. I am scouring the sidewalks and roads thinking they feel but also knowing that its unlikely they would still be there 8+hours. I am being mean to Jonathan as I talk to him on the phone. Get to my car and oh wow, it's unlocked! And the keys are sitting on the front seat in plain vision, like they had been all day. So, #1, I feel like the biggest idiot and that I AM IN FACT losing my mind. And #2, Thank God that somehow angels were watching my car all day. WHAT IN THE WORLD?! DC is one of the biggest cities for car theft. But I guess the thieves enjoy breaking windows and jigging engines because apparently an unlocked door with keys just waiting for you isn't any fun!
So that is where I am at. I talked about having perspective in comparison to what the people are dealing with in Haiti yesterday (or some day I can't even remember) and today I feel like my brain is at total capacity that I can't even lock my car correctly and then forget about it and panicky and alert the entire work place that I have indeed lost it and no one should have entrusted me with this new job in the first place because clearly someone who is crazy and losing keys (or not even losing but leaving them out to be stolen!) should not have this type of responsibility!!
Oh and yesterday...I just hit the car in front of my driving to work. Like Oh I should have stopped but I will just hit you. Like a bumper car. It wasn't hard and very minimal damage, but it happened and I didn't even realize it. Delayed reaction, oh I just hit that car, awesome, pull over, oh happy Wednesday drive to work. Just run into people. And I wasn't even talking on the phone or texting or fiddling with the radio. I was concentrating. And I still just bumped the poor lady.
Ahhhhh.....I should find a bible verse about peace in the storm or something but it doesn't even feel like a "storm" but that this is life and I can't take it. Oh I need MORE of God's sustainment, grace and refreshment.
Thanks friends. I feel better. Needed to vent and attempt to laugh at myself. Not laughing yet though.
Who else can sing the lyrics and melody of that song by Monica from back in the day?
If my day had a theme song that should be it. I have the tune in my head tormenting me further.
Without getting into too many details about the entire day (because I can't really handle to hash it out totally but need a little vent) as I was leaving work, I was panicked because I couldn't find my keys. I had my "work" keys that I keep separately on my security badge and lanyard around my neck. But my car key, house keys, gym card/grocery discount card ring was MIA and not in my red tote, which is the only place they should be since parking my car at 8am this morning. I panic tearing apart my desk, crawling on the floor to see if they fell, examining my coat to see if there was holes in the pockets, emailing the entire building (who had already left for the day) to say "Lost keys! Please help", calling the building management company to bug them, interrupting the cleaning crew and trying to remember my Spanish to ask them if they found any keys, probably acting a little "too" panicked around my boss, who noticed that I was frantic as she left for the day...I hate that feeling of losing something and like I am losing my mind! Oh it gets better...So I walk to my car, which is parked about 6 blocks away on the street in Southeast DC. I am scouring the sidewalks and roads thinking they feel but also knowing that its unlikely they would still be there 8+hours. I am being mean to Jonathan as I talk to him on the phone. Get to my car and oh wow, it's unlocked! And the keys are sitting on the front seat in plain vision, like they had been all day. So, #1, I feel like the biggest idiot and that I AM IN FACT losing my mind. And #2, Thank God that somehow angels were watching my car all day. WHAT IN THE WORLD?! DC is one of the biggest cities for car theft. But I guess the thieves enjoy breaking windows and jigging engines because apparently an unlocked door with keys just waiting for you isn't any fun!
So that is where I am at. I talked about having perspective in comparison to what the people are dealing with in Haiti yesterday (or some day I can't even remember) and today I feel like my brain is at total capacity that I can't even lock my car correctly and then forget about it and panicky and alert the entire work place that I have indeed lost it and no one should have entrusted me with this new job in the first place because clearly someone who is crazy and losing keys (or not even losing but leaving them out to be stolen!) should not have this type of responsibility!!
Oh and yesterday...I just hit the car in front of my driving to work. Like Oh I should have stopped but I will just hit you. Like a bumper car. It wasn't hard and very minimal damage, but it happened and I didn't even realize it. Delayed reaction, oh I just hit that car, awesome, pull over, oh happy Wednesday drive to work. Just run into people. And I wasn't even talking on the phone or texting or fiddling with the radio. I was concentrating. And I still just bumped the poor lady.
Ahhhhh.....I should find a bible verse about peace in the storm or something but it doesn't even feel like a "storm" but that this is life and I can't take it. Oh I need MORE of God's sustainment, grace and refreshment.
Thanks friends. I feel better. Needed to vent and attempt to laugh at myself. Not laughing yet though.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Haiti.
I can't get away from Haiti and the sadness of the natural disaster and the suffering of so many there now. I have heard that Haitian people are some of the most kind, lovely and giving. Have you seen the outpourings of faith as people realize their home, country and land has been devastated? Parades with people singing hymns, praising God admist the terror.
My friend, Julie, has lived in Haiti for the past year or so and her life has been forever changed from last week's earthquake. She is safe thankfully but please check out her blog for first hand accounts and amazing stories (she is a great story teller). Although I am sad that Julie had to experience such tragedy, I know she will make good out of it. She is a mover and a shaker for change and improvement. Many prayers and much love to her and the Haitian people.
I hope it's a little harder to complain and mumble about your situation/daily gripings/ill contentedness in awareness of the hurt and pain and loss in Haiti. Watch CNN for like an hour and it's a perspective changer. I hope I can hang onto this outlook and remember....
"But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, in stripes,in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings, by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as decievers, and yet true: as unknown and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing and yet possessing all things." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10
My friend, Julie, has lived in Haiti for the past year or so and her life has been forever changed from last week's earthquake. She is safe thankfully but please check out her blog for first hand accounts and amazing stories (she is a great story teller). Although I am sad that Julie had to experience such tragedy, I know she will make good out of it. She is a mover and a shaker for change and improvement. Many prayers and much love to her and the Haitian people.
I hope it's a little harder to complain and mumble about your situation/daily gripings/ill contentedness in awareness of the hurt and pain and loss in Haiti. Watch CNN for like an hour and it's a perspective changer. I hope I can hang onto this outlook and remember....
"But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, in stripes,in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings, by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as decievers, and yet true: as unknown and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing and yet possessing all things." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hey There 2010.
2010 has been a whirlwind thus far. A pretty good one at that.
It began with great anxiety as I prepared for my national counseling examination, the last stage in a few year process to be licensed in DC as a professional counselor. This is THE goal following graduate school and it's been a pain in the a**. But I have perservered. And my husband has perservered with me (I'm sure he has gotten the brunt of my stress and unpleasantness).
As of January 5th, 2010, my career as a counselor has officially began. Yes, I've been doing counseling and mental health work for some time now, but now I work under my own license, can bill insurance and it allows me to do a lot more in general in the field.
Along with my license came a nice new job position at work. This has been transitioning since last June, but as of last week I took over my own team to supervise and lead 6 awesome, great people. The Lively team is born!
Hence the whirlwind. My feet didn't touch the ground a few days after my test, but they quickly came down as I have been completely overwhelmed at the responsibility, tasks and challenges for this new role. Now I feel like I can't find my legs underneath me. I have to tell myself, "walk, think, talk, you can do this"!
Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE this new role. The people I am working with are amazing and have been so supportive of me through out the process. My team has believed in me from the beginning and that feels undeserved, but I am grateful. I am energized, motivated and can't keep my thoughts from racing...My struggle is figuring out how to do this all at once. I realize I know so LITTLE and the learning curve is straight up. If I could soak it up quicker, I would...Each day my brain feels saturated yet there is so much MORE to do, learn, lead, think, understand, experience....
I give God all the thanks for this new opportunity. My prayer is that I will pour into the people I work with as I have the families and kids I have in the past. While I lack experience, I hope to make up in spirit and effort. I am merely a vessel...it just looks different in this new place and position.
Anyone else ever feel like the learning curve is straight up and you are just grasping to hold on?
Grace...Grace....Grace....I am humbled.
Hope 2010 is off to a good start for you, too.
It began with great anxiety as I prepared for my national counseling examination, the last stage in a few year process to be licensed in DC as a professional counselor. This is THE goal following graduate school and it's been a pain in the a**. But I have perservered. And my husband has perservered with me (I'm sure he has gotten the brunt of my stress and unpleasantness).
As of January 5th, 2010, my career as a counselor has officially began. Yes, I've been doing counseling and mental health work for some time now, but now I work under my own license, can bill insurance and it allows me to do a lot more in general in the field.
Along with my license came a nice new job position at work. This has been transitioning since last June, but as of last week I took over my own team to supervise and lead 6 awesome, great people. The Lively team is born!
Hence the whirlwind. My feet didn't touch the ground a few days after my test, but they quickly came down as I have been completely overwhelmed at the responsibility, tasks and challenges for this new role. Now I feel like I can't find my legs underneath me. I have to tell myself, "walk, think, talk, you can do this"!
Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE this new role. The people I am working with are amazing and have been so supportive of me through out the process. My team has believed in me from the beginning and that feels undeserved, but I am grateful. I am energized, motivated and can't keep my thoughts from racing...My struggle is figuring out how to do this all at once. I realize I know so LITTLE and the learning curve is straight up. If I could soak it up quicker, I would...Each day my brain feels saturated yet there is so much MORE to do, learn, lead, think, understand, experience....
I give God all the thanks for this new opportunity. My prayer is that I will pour into the people I work with as I have the families and kids I have in the past. While I lack experience, I hope to make up in spirit and effort. I am merely a vessel...it just looks different in this new place and position.
Anyone else ever feel like the learning curve is straight up and you are just grasping to hold on?
Grace...Grace....Grace....I am humbled.
Hope 2010 is off to a good start for you, too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
