To be content.

If I were to go through my journals (and maybe even this blog), I would find much about being content. Mostly around my struggle to be content regardless of my circumstances (In Philippians 4:12, Paul shares "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

While I have always had earthly security and abundance such as a warm and stable home, loving supports, and more than enough financial provisions, my heart struggles to be at rest and content. If I make it to be an old woman, I wonder if I will continue to write and pray and work on this heart issue?

In psych 101, I remember learning about some named phenomenon (I don't even remember the psychological) where people are always waiting until the next "stage" in life and only then, will they be happy. Similarly, the well known quote, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," stressing to be content and present in each moment, each step of the way, because this is in fact life. Another saying, "Life is what happens when you are making plans," comes to mind. Pop culture is filled with this philosophy of being content.

I wonder what the Lord means for us each day in this? I struggle between being present and content and wanting to DO and ACT to make things happen and better and more meaningful. I don't know if that is wrong or right. Most likely, there is a balance that I must find. How to be making changes (sanctification!) but also content and present for today. I'm not even a super big planner, I like being spontaneous and rebel against "plans" but the bigger contentedness of being satisfied and that our life is purposeful and good and all of that, is the hard part for me.

Although I can mouth off all the things I am "grateful" for in my life and my head knows I am SO freaking blessed with every piece of the pie, my heart feels like a fraud. Something feels off. While I don't think I need to be at the top of the roller coaster with being "happy" all the time, I need to be more at rest and okay with myself and my situation, even when this restlessness and sadness seems to be more consistent than not for a few weeks. Maybe its the sun setting at 5pm, the weather cooling off, the holidays looming...This time of the year can be a struggle for me for some reason. Maybe its because everyone seems to love it so much and I just can't "fake" it. How cynical and bah hum bug of me. But if I can't vent on the Internet and with you, friends, then I am really not being present and real! However, I am a work in progress and I know that the Lord's grace will sustain me and continue to teach me....Hopefully, if I make it to be that old woman, I can share wisdom to younger ladies searching for more, when MORE is already here! Right?!

P.S.- I just realized that my last post was all about me being content.....ahhh. See what I mean? Battle. Up and down. Jonathan's says something is not right in my head at times. Maybe. Is that just how woman are (and that is such a man response)? But I do not claim that in the name of Jesus and I claim sanity and clarity, haha. Kidding, but not really, I do need it in big dosages! Do you know what I do all day? I love, love, love it but it can be A LOT if I don't get filled up by the Lord, because I can be zapped and drained quickly!