As I walked around my neighborhood the other evening, bundling up for the first time this season, I was thinking about things in my life. I don't feel particularly happy or excited about any of them. Now don't get me wrong, its not that there is anything bad in my life or tragic, so I feel guilty even professing my ill-contentedness, but that is exactly what I have been- not content.
I thrive on new things, fresh, exciting, fun, right?....
Well, let's see here. I've lived in DC for over a year now with no plans for relocation as the real estate market might dictate our stay in our 550 square feet of bliss ; I've been at my job for almost 1.5 years; I've been married for over 2 years...I don't have plans to move, leave my job, or leave my marriage, so that is a lot of the SAME. BUT these are all good things, I love my home, my job, and my marriage, so that should be enough. It really should. What is my deal?! I am never happy and satisfied and always looking for more. If the SAME is GOOD, then why should I want DIFFERENT just for the hell of it?
Additionally, my life up until this point, has always been in a flux of change. Moving apartments almost every year. Having a few year plan in each city. Grad school. Different jobs, never beyond a year. Relationships on and off again. Engagement. Wedding. Newlyweds.
After the waters have calmed and I might actually be at a point of stability in my life, I am restless! I (kinda) understand how people start popping out kiddos, they get bored and that is "next" in life.... Still not there on that one-I obviously need to work on these issues before adding more complexity, such as a human life into the picture :) Whoa.
As I've fumbled around with these ideas, I feel convicted about my constant need to find happiness and fulfillment in my circumstances. What is the point of faith if it doesn't give me meaning and is "enough" to make me content?
Well, certainly aware of my own hypocrisy and shortcomings, I am working on having a quiet, steady joy...something that doesn't go up and down, with tears and exclamation marks, but STEADFAST. I can't imagine anyone has ever described me as THAT, so it might be a long journey.....
" You will keep in perfect peace him who mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
-Isaiah 26:3
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10
"Wealth stays with us a little moment if at all: only our characters are steadfast, not our gold." -Euripides
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Dearest Friend - you are and always have been a steadfast friend! You are steadfast in many ways...you just have a gypsy heart:). Perhaps it is helpful to remember that while faith can give you peace and contentedness it also provides the adventure! Life in Christ is one great journey full of surprises.
Love you! -a
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