sara groves and garth brooks.

It has been a heavy week.

Mostly work stuff, which means children's lives being turned upside down by parents who suck, drugs, death, tragedy, poverty, and abuse. Sometimes it goes in and out, leaving me somehow unscathed. Other days it seems to soak in more and stick with me. That's where I am at now. Trying to move on by watching lame television. I am just getting annoyed which how dumb it is. Attempted to work on a 30 page paper (which is literally giving me nightmares and yet I still procrastinate) but that was heavy too as I explore the effects of parental substance abuse on children. I flipped through a magazine with holiday decoration "how to's" and recipes. Sorry, not really feeling the holiday spirit and I still don't feel "adult" enough to spend my budgeted finances on a Christmas tree. Bah humbug. If I had a bottle of wine, I'd self soothe, but my cabinets are bare (also because of the damn budget, to pay for my anxiety producing class). Jonathan is still gone, so I can't distract myself with him or gain comfort from snuggling on the couch.

But, in the midst of a "heavy" mood, I am okay.

Not sure how I got here, but I am thankful. Mostly, even though my day to day can be emotionally draining, I love it. Not really "it", but the children, the pissed off teenagers, the crazy mother's. They make me laugh. Make me think. Stretch me and my thoughts on this world. Of course, annoyance, anger and frustration also come along with the good, as in all other human relationships.

Driving today after a painful experience, I listened to the following song,

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before
and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load


Now, I do not come close to being a saint and really don't desire that kind of status, but the part of the song that I loved were the reminders of battles fought. Yes, they are always here and sometimes seem hopeless and unending. However, I am happy to take my place as a fighter in the battle. Yes, you can sit it out. Yes, you can have others fight the battles. But the battles are still raging, if you choose to ignore them, they do not stop. I am pumped up by generations ahead and after me that have and will love enough to fight-for justice, for people, for Jesus.

A favorite song of mine growing up was "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks. I've always thrown myself hard into relationships and well, life, so the lyrics pumped me up and they still do....."There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire...."

I might get beat up and burned, but I want "in". There was a time in my recent past in which I felt like not fighting. Sadness. Confusion. Loss of purpose. I almost let people and things in my life slip away that are really important. So, I am eternally grateful for grace and that God knows me better than I do, because He gave me back my will to fight and I am clinging to it.....

And praise be to Him who gave Himself unto death in the fight...yet brought victory and freedom to me through His blood and sacrifice.

more than circumstances...

I just got back from the airport after dropping my hubby off, for yet again another week of travel for work, this time beginning on a precious Sunday, after about 24 hours together in the 7 days. Tears and sadness, although my head telling my heart and emotions to "straighten up" and that "its not that big of a deal". I tried to go to the mall. Ha. I guess it was good that it wasn't open yet. The Lord knew that emotional shopping is a weakness.

Got home, made some homemade oatmeal on the stove, the kind that takes longer but is creamier with maple syrup and raisens. I put my ipod on shuffle and here it came....

"I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful"

-Phil Wickam lyrics to "Beautiful"

Our street has tall trees that are now "snowing" bright yellow leaves, as fall turns into winter, and its quite beautiful. Jonathan and I stood in the middle of the street yesterday as yellow fell around us and were just in awe of nature a few feet out our door.

The yellow trees outside were rustling about in the wind, as I came home today, as if God were comforting me, whispering sweet nothings. Then I heard the song and it continued to speak to me.....I'm not sure quite what the message is yet, and I am starting to think that each day in this life consists of figuring it out piece by piece, as if on a long treasure hunt, where one clue leads to the next. If this is true, then today's clue would be that there is MORE than circumstances. More than the 9-5, or too much alone time, or wintry weather. Admists all these circumstances, God is whispering to us, whether its through the falling leaves or a song, and He IS beautiful.

I can't wait to get to the end of the treasure hunt....

addictions and people.

Tonight I went to a twelve step Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting in my neighborhood. It was an investigation on my part as I am currently taking a class on substance abuse therapies. Wow. I am touched and made aware and thankful my wise online professor recommended us to go and that I followed through on my end with seeking out the experience and people. Nervous and not knowing what to expect, but scenes and snipets from movies and tv, I ventured to the meeting.

I walk by the building most days and never noticed it. Now I will always notice it and be AWARE of the people meeting there. The people in the meeting were diverse. Some looked just like me, a co-worker, a friend, a few looked like my dad, my mom, an artist, a lawyer, black, white, homeless, yuppie, old, young...It was truly an eclectic group.

The sharing and community is what really touched me. I was such an outsider and I wanted in. These people knew each other, supported one another, and shared such intimate struggles and victories. All in an hour! Everyone held hands in a circle at the end and recited the serenity prayer and the Lord's prayer. It was powerful. They have meetings everyday and some people go daily. To uphold one another. To share life.

It convicted me of my independence in this world. I don't seek out such community often. When I do, I am blessed, but so many other "things", requirements, stresses, which get in the way of me and community. With Jonathan being away, I feel more guilty over my solitude. One great thing about marriage I have discovered is that you don't feel bad about doing absolutely nothing because you are spending time with the one you love. Ha, now that I am alone during the week, my guilt is back!!

Awareness. Don't assume you "know" the person next to you on the metro, at your office, at Starbucks. I can't remind myself of this enough. Addictions are real and effect people just like you and me and our friends, siblings, and neighbors. To me this awareness, means respecting and wanting to learn from people. It doesn't matter if you look like you have it all together, or you don't, or you have a lot of fancy degrees, or you don't. Just share your story with me, or pieces of it, and I promise to soak it in and learn. I can't get over how in our world we walk around with so many stereotypes and stigmas, when really we are all just humans, and our desires, struggles and dreams, are really not that different. What is that old saying, don't judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes?

a story to share.

A friend here in DC, told me about her dear friend, Katherine, who in April, suffered an anurysm in her brain, almost costing her life, but with great doctors and God's grace, she is alive, but with a long road ahead of her for recovery....

Although I don't know Katherine, by reading about her and following her story, I have connected to her in some way and often think and pray for her. She is 26 years-old, married, and with a young baby boy. Our stories didn't look that different until she had this massive bleed in her brain, and now she has a new "normal" in her life. I have been inspired by her fight and her spirit, although mourning, she is still triumphant.

Her husband's words below as they celebrate their wedding anniversary today:

"Today, November 6th, was Katherine and my 4th wedding anniversary. As I walked Katherine back from an early morning trip to the bathroom, I rigged our wedding DVD to start playing at the bridal procession. After a few seconds, the strains of "Trumpet Voluntary" ignited memories in Katherine's mind, sending a sweet, crooked smile across her face. I knew that Katherine's "procession" this morning, though in a bathrobe with her eye patched, was far more beautiful than her walk down the aisle on our wedding day. We continued to slowly make our way back to the bed, in the now familiar, swaying dance/walk that we find ourselves in every day now.

Memories of how we danced to the band for hours at our reception came racing back. Even if we won't be dancing that way for a while still, I get to lead my wife in a new kind of dance all the time. Instead of a soulful band singing classic oldies, we often "dance" to sad songs, people yelling, or James crying, but the times that we hear those carefree songs, people cheering, or James laughing are the most exquisite dances imaginable.We lay in bed watching the wedding DVD before getting ready for our day of therapy. The two people on the screen were so young, so innocent. In just four years, those two people now find themselves at a neuro rehabilitation hospital in Pomona, CA. The bride, though now unable to walk herself down any aisle or clearly speak her wedding vows or eat her beloved wedding cake, is somehow, impossibly more radiant now than she was then. Now, she glows with the light of new life.

Those two giddy newlyweds are still in here, somewhere deep down. We've been battered, but we are not broken. We've experienced things that two 26 year olds should never have to experience, but we've also been filled to overflowing by the immeasurable blessings of our Lord. Nothing on this journey is wasted. My Dad performed our wedding ceremony. As we listened to his words preceding the vows, we could not help but transport ourselves back to the moments on that altar. My Dad spoke of the inevitable storms of life, and the necessity of building our home on the rock-solid foundation of Christ. How could we have ever imagined what our lives would be like less than 4 years later?

This huge storm has swept over our home, threatening to take it all away, but by the grace of God, our little home is still here. I could not be more proud of the family that remains. These days, grasping at normalcy or reminiscing on the old life most often brings a cold reminder that things are not as they used to be. Sadness can often overshadow what were once celebratory occasions, but not today because on this day of remembering our sacred vows of marriage, things are just as they were promised to be. "


I was blown away by these words this morning and found ita powerful reminder of our own fraility, the power of a covenant marriage, and faith in God's faithfulness. Wow.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katherinewolf (for more on Katherine's story)

oh Thursdays.

How could you have a bad day when you get to hang out with this lil' guy?

One reason why I LOVE Thursdays is my normal visit with this fabulous 8-year-old who always makes me laugh and warms my heart.

Another reason is that Thursday normally signals my hubby's return to our city and home. After days of driving myself crazy alone at night, I am always happy for the company and normally then turn to driving Jonathan crazy because I am so attention deprived and needy, I am like a 5-year-old who has been locked in a dark room for a few hours (not that I would know or condone such terrible abuse of a child, but it is just an example), jumping on his lap saying, "pay attention to me", "talk to me", "love me"!! Plus, Thursdays are normally my flag football with co-workers night, which also involves some happy hour beers, so needy AND tipsy is a bad combo!! I mean I think its fun and love my fullness of personality, but after a long day of work and travel, my hubby doesn't share my sense of humor on these evenings.

Thank goodness, by Friday, the emotions have balanced out and we can have a semi-sane and nice weekend together. AND this weekend- NO PLANS!! This is intentional and sorry to be anti-social but I do have a paper to write for my online class and some major couch, football watching and movie time scheduled, so leave us alone! That is "said" with a smile :)

election day and more.

Today was the first time I was able to go in person to vote for the president. I love the patriotic feeling of being able to vote, going to my polling place, seeing people outside with signs for their candidates and then all the volunteers to help with the voting process. It seems like such a selfless, giving day which unites people of all different political views to appreciate our country's freedom in having a VOTE.

However, this presidential election does frustrate me, as it seems as if the gap between both candidates is so WIDE, I have often wondered these past few months how a person like me, who considers herself somewhere in the middle of these two parties and candidates would decide. While I did vote and decided which candidate to support, I don't have particular strong feeling about Obama or McCain winning or losing. This makes me feel more unpatriotic or something than the people so energized with their candidate, but after months of soul searching and considering, I still haven't gotten to that point.....

Really, I hate the divisions and having to pick one or the other. Maybe my job doing counseling which requires me to emphathize with people and their experiences, overflows into my thinking about politics, I can consider both sides and find positives in both. I can also find negatives, but in them BOTH. And its not that I don't have firm ideas about things, I do, its just that neither party/candidate captures them completely.

I was in Georgia/Florida this past weekend. I was blown away by Southern politics and the overwhelming conservative voice. People handing out McCain/Palin stickers galore. My parents were giving me things to read and arguments against Obama all weekend. They are so scared the liberal DC has turned their formerly conservative-but-not-really-thinking-for-herself-just-going-along-with-what-she-grew-up-around-views, daughter into one of "them". Here in DC the voice is 100% Obama from what I have seen, including the CEO of my agency using her platform to make political statements and Obama signs adorning the halls.

Obama supporters can't imagine why people would vote for McCain, and McCain supporters can't understand why anyone would vote for Obama. Again, the gap is so wide and there is such a lack of understanding from one side to the other. While I often feel alienated from both groups, not able to fit in with either, I do appreciate being able to see both sides. I hope to be a person that brings people together and has friends on all sides and not surround myself by just those "like" me. So, I might not "fit in" but I am learning to embrace this and find that it enriches my life, politically and beyond!

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"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (although I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak, I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."
I Corinthian 9:19-23.

David Lipscomb's comment on this is:

Paul accommodated himself to the prejudices and preferences of men so far as he could without sacrificing truth and righteousness, in order to win them to Christ ... He did this not that he might be personally popular with any man, but that by doing so he might throw no obstacle in
the way of their giving the gospel a fair hearing.

"Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?"
Matthew 15:3

As someone trying to authentically follow Christ, I seek to follow God in my life and not do things for the sake of tradition!! Do not assume everything you do as a "Christian" actually reflects the heart of God. Think about it. I have been so frustrated with people assuming that the US is a "Christian nation". Where do you get that from? Is that in the Bible? That God will bless the USA? I don't think that makes me unpatriotic to say, because I am very proud of our country, and thankful to all who have sacrificed for our freedom. However, because of our freedom, yes, I can acknowledge God in my life, but others should also be able to acknowledge their own beliefs. I am all for our country and government letting us be free to worship and have our own worldview, and not dictating what that should be, and by claiming that we are a "Christian" nation following biblical beliefs, that seems to infringe on that freedom. If we take away others freedom, then we are also closer to our own freedom being taken.

Thoughts?