Grateful.

My heart is full. Not in an emotional way, but in a steady state, peaceful, content and with great thankfulness. Humbled. I don't deserve anything good, but am thankful to God, the giver of life and everything good.

It is not like I have one great thing or big news to report. I am just thankful for my life and all that God has given. I then wonder how to remain conscientious, grateful and humbled to give back and be faithful to those in my life, to those I meet, and to my God, who gives such love to share.

Jonathan and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Words cant express the goodness of marriage. The duty to one another, while it does not sound romantic, truly is a blessing. Even though some times are hard, it is worth it and so good. I love sharing life with my husband. No, we don't know when to have kids, or how to figure it out, or what to do about jobs, houses, cities, etc. But we are in it together. And it's so great to have a partner. I am thankful for his commitment to me. Even when I am mad at him or he frustrates me. As humans, we both stumble and fall, but I am grateful for this season in our marriage where we are so good. We know how to do this now, maybe. I hate to even say things are good, so they don't get bad. Do you ever think that way? Well, I hope we are building a foundation for the hard times and sufferings in this world. I hope to remember my gratefulness, in times where I question or don't understand.

We got away for our anniversary. A road trip to New England with a few days in Boston and then a long weekend in Nantucket, which felt like paradise on earth. I am starting to miss nature being in a city like setting, so the many untouched beaches, dunes, sea Oates, and ocean views of the island really refreshed me. The salt air, the sand, riding bikes, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace, no traffic, wonderful meals and even some great friends (we got to visit with friends in Boston, Nantucket and on our way home in Connecticut). It was so great. I feel happy just thinking about it.

After our anniversary trip, I came back to DC for a quick day at the office and then was able to go away on a work retreat. Grateful. A group of newer (and younger) supervisor advocated for this time away and training. To let your mind go and get away from the day to day responsibilities is so productive. I set goals. I remember my mission. I thought about how to implement it better. I got encouragement. I met peers and built relationships. I really, really liked the people I got to know. Isn't that amazing? The more I get to know people at my agency, the more I really like them. I feel less isolated and more encouraged. We brainstormed, thought of action items and found support. I remembered things I wanted to do with my team, but forgot about once the crises rolled in. We laughed because everyone else forgot too, so I didn't feel too guilty. We talked about how to not forget again (because the chaos will return).

Now, a normal week. I am grateful. Today, it felt very chaotic. There was a lot going on and much I could have been stressed about. Actually, my body felt the stress, my head was pounding, I don't think I ate lunch, and I felt strained. But my mind won the battle. I insisted to remain at peace. While I don't have control of the situations, I worked to be in control of myself. To be intentional about remaining grateful and remaining at peace. I have to be at peace, to impart peace to others. Hopefully, people can come to me in their stress and I can help them rest. If I am stressed and to my wit's end, then I can impart nothing.

Maybe this is not realistic, but I am trying and praying for the Lord to fill me up with His spirit. I want to wake up earlier to be more at peace in the morning. To prepare myself for whatever God has for me. To prepare myself for the people I might meet. To be able to truly "be" with the people on my team, in my home, in my life as family and friends. Our time here is a gift and I want to be able to pour myself into relationships and love well. I don't want to be "too stressed" and overwhelmed to push people away. My mind needs to be open and at rest, so I can receive wisdom and reach out for answers. I don't want to be "too full" that I cannot take in any more. Lord, help me make space. For you, for your presence and peace, for you to have control of me, for me to be open to learn, to take in, to breath, to love, more and better....

Less of me. More of You.

Success.

Since my last blog title had the word, fail, I have decided I will gloat on this one.

I finished the half marathon. No stopping, which was my goal! I will have to say I did not do it on my own. Ashley was a rock star. It didn't look like she sweat much and it seemed like a breeze...she probably could have kept on going. And Jonathan was so great to run with and he really kept me going. He was such a sweetheart and so much fun. He didn't even make fun of the runners in all their "garb" and the hoopla of the race (well, he made fun but not too much).

I have felt really great throughout this whole training process until the week of mile 12. During this run, I felt some kind of pain/twinge/something is not quite right, "HELL it HURTS" kind of thing in my upper butt, hip, lower back area. Hmm. Not really sure what it was.

I rested. It wasn't bothering me. Well, during the race, on mile 8, it came back. After a little pity party (during the race) that this came back up, I was able to pull it together and feel pretty good for a few miles (including a hill). Then literally at mile 12.5, I really didn't think I could go any farther. I felt like my leg was going to become detached from my hip joint or something. Of course this is dramatic, but I really did feel like that. Ask Jonathan (although he might confirm the "dramatic" part, but not the leg detachment issue).

Did I mention that Jonathan ran beside me the entire way? He could go MUCH faster, but he stayed with me the whole thing and it was awesome. Ash too. We all stuck together. At 12.5, when I was like, "Jonathan, I don't know if I can do it", he was so encouraging and was like, "We have trained 3 months for this and you have .5 miles to go, I will carry you from here if I need to but you are not stopping!". At the last mile, Ash started to go a little faster so I lost her in the crowd, but as we got to the finish line, she was there so we could all go across together.

When I crossed the finish line, I felt such a surge of emotions, I started to cry. That sounds so cheesy but I really did. Jonathan was like, "really?! get it together" and I did, but it was an emotional rush! And I felt so out of control of my body, I started to pee my pants....haha so bizarre! I really didn't (not like running down my leg or something) but I was amazed that my body felt like it was shutting down or something.

What an experience.

Now it's over. I honestly feel a bit of the post race blues. I was reading that because running helps your mood by boosting endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine, following a big event when your running and exercise decreases your mood can drop. Hmmm. It makes sense. And it's the end of a holiday weekend with beautiful weather, the beach, a really great time with my husband and sister, and days of rest.

So, to keep running? And to be thankful for such great memories and the opportunities in my life. I am grateful despite a return to the hum-drum.

I think there is another FAIL to report...

Ya know all that "self soothing" that I did last night?

Well, I don't think it worked.

I just about had a passive panic attack because on the way home from work, I realized that I had left the stove ON boiling some chicken. It was on very low heat, but our stove is gas and that means an open flame and I thought surely I had just burned down our home and 41 other units in our building.

Truly, this is what is feels like to lose one's mind. I have never done something like that before.

Thank you JESUS that I walked in to a very terrible burned chicken (and pan) smell, but no smoke or fire or damage.WOW.

I am thankful, but my heart is still beating quickly and I feel like an idiot.

So, I need intervention. Self soothing help. My plan did not work. What is next? Alcohol? Prayer and meditation? Both....?

At least my hubby comes home tonight. I hope he can have a calming effect on me. He might want to run the other direction when he takes in the terrible burnt smell and sees the nicely ruined pot.

Positives: Tomorrow is Friday. And now I am going to a run (and buy new chicken breasts for the dinner I was supposed to make). And I rescheduled at the spa for a massage on Monday. Even better, they are going to give it to me complimentary because they botched the scheduling. That pretty much makes it worth it! (AND, I still can't feel badly about the skirt, shirt and sunglasses I bought last night on BananaRepublic.com all on sale and with an additional 25% off).

Self Soothing Required

To self soothe. Ahhh, what a catch phrase. I see this many times a day as I review, edit and write treatment plans; Skills such as self soothing are ones that we try to teach our youngsters and parents via community mental health.

We might practice relaxation techniques with a child. Belly breathing perhaps. Do you remember this from choir practice? I remember laying on the floor with a solo cup on my stomach. The idea is that the solo cup rises, because you breath deeply in your lungs so your stomach goes up. And so does the cup. A visual aid does wonders for a child, and adult. I still struggle with "belly breathing" but I am not afraid to lay on the floor of my office with a kiddo and mom to give it one more shot. Maybe my choir teacher lied to me. If so, I need to know before I continue this malarkey.

What about progressive muscle relaxation? Now, I have my drama teacher to thank for this one. I remember in middle school laying down on the floor (seems to be a theme) and "tightening and releasing" the muscles of the body, led by a dramatic narrative from our teacher. Then I took a high level psych class in graduate school (and paid a few thousand dollars) to learn that same exact thing. I even had to tape myself saying the narrative and turn it in for "review". Something I conquered in 7th grade cost me a pretty penny to have a PhD.D. professor listen to my voice on a cassette years later (maybe my parents can now feel good about private school education. Not the graduate school one, but the 7th grade one, ha).

Other self soothing: we might listen to music, help teenagers make lists, make self soothing boxes with lots of ideas of ways to calm down when upset, count to 10 (although I have had many a 10 year old say, "Ms. Heather, counting to 10 does NOT work! I need something new!", and who can blame hims and hers, that does sounds kinda lame!). Take a bubble bath. Snuggle with someone you love. Talk it out. Take a walk.

Don't: smoke marijuana, have aimless sex, self harm, yell at your mom, run out the house, get in a fight, etc, etc....

See there, you could now lead a skill building session on self soothing and even bill medicaid, if you can throw in some therapeutic words (and of course, actually provide the service).

While my day did NOT include this (read about my friend's Lacie's terrible day), it was quite horrible as well. I do not need to divulge all the gritty details, but yesterday and today were troubling for me at work and I felt real fear for my safety. To lose your peace of mind is priceless. This is a risk working with mentally ill people, but I've never felt directly threatened. I am working through it, to say the least.

God must have known it was going to be a rough week because on Monday (before all this happened) I booked a massage for this evening. My long run on Saturday left my body in bad shape and a pain in my upper buttocks (so proper) continued to ail me, so I thought that surely warranted a little sports massage. I mean I have to be in proper condition for the big race.

So, I left work early to decompress a bit and prepped for my big massage. I leisurely walk to the spa, enjoying the cooler weather, to show up at the desk to realize they don't have me booked and I cannot actually get the massage tonight. HUGE self soothing FAIL. What disappointment. How could a day get worse? I know it actually could, by lots of terrible things that really do matter, but at that moment the news that I would not be getting my ass worked by skilled hands really sent me into the dumps.

Self soothe resiliency action plan went into action. Go to the grocery store. Fix a plate from the "hot meal line" including one drummette of fried chicken, some Kraft type looking macaroni and cheese (ya know, bright orange "fake" cheese) and mashed potatoes. Pick up one slice of chocolate cake from the deli. Pick up sweet tea (hard to find in the North, but I got the full calorie kind in a bottle). One People style watch magazine. 2 DVDs from the Red box (I had to pick ones that are totally girly and lame and that Jonathan would never allow on the weekends).

Jonathan is away, which really stinks on a night like this, but I have my comfort food and DVDs to hopefully lighten my mood. Self soothing resiliency prevails! As well as, (I hope) a continued positive outlook for my life work and how to go about my day to day feeling safe and at peace. If only that were as simple as eating some comfort food and numbing the mind with some "rom com's" and magazines.

I have always bounced back. Cheers and optimism to that.
**********************************************************************************
P.S.- I just went on bananarepublic.com and they are having a sale. If you spend $100, then you get 25% off. Yikes. Now we are in trouble. Let's see, I didn't spend money on the massage so....

See, Jonathan, you really should have caught a flight home to rescue (or supervise) your wife from her misery. So she doesn't spend money in attempts to self soothe. A few lbs from carbohydrates are one things, but banana republic can do more lasting harm.

Training lessons

I have never considered myself a runner. I still do not consider myself a runner. But I am slowly becoming one in some sort of fashion.



In June, I started training for a half marathon, which is coming up quickly on Labor Day weekend. It really has been amazing. I've never pushed myself in such a physical way. Scared of failure, I've never signed up for anything like this because I honestly thought there is no way I could actually do it. Well, I am doing it! And this is not to boast of myself, becuase it really has been quite humbling. I've learned a lot about training. Training my body and my mind and how this can relate to other disciplines in life.



I followed this plan for running each week and slowly building my mileage. The plan worked. While at the beginning 3 miles was all I could run, I ran 11 miles this past Saturday! Only a few more until the 13.1 for the race. And it's been fun. Not every run, but towards the end, as I've realized its working, it's been joyful and worth it. As I ran this past Saturday, I was thanking God for legs and a body to be able to do this, for health, for a beautiful city for run through (quite some scenery) and a partner and sister to share it with me. God is faithful. We often don't thank Him for the very things around us. For moments. But it is these moments that make up a lifetime. As cheesy as that sounds, I am learning this day in and day out.


The race analogies for the Christian life also make more sense. If we can discipline our flesh and mind, we can surely have more endurance in our spirit and for the work of God in this world. We do not disciple ourselves for no reason, but to sanctify ourselves and work towards eternal purposes.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize".
-I Corinthians 9:24-27.

Stalk much?

So I was blog stalking this evening. Looking for inspiration. Bored with my own life, ready to read about others? Just a quite night at the DC home. Tuesdays tend to be the worst on the hubby gone front.

I came across this post. I do not know this writer, but I wish I did. I very much related. Pretty amazing that you can have fellowship and not even know someone.

Read this post, "Whisper Seekers".

I am there. Glad to know others are there as well.

Catch up.

Hi.

It has been awhile. I have thought of you. I even wrote, but then never entered "publish". Just didn't feel inspired I suppose. Sometimes even I wrote and it felt depressing, and I didn't want to be debbie downer. And I haven't been depressed, so didn't want to reflect a mood that wasn't accurate.

Let's see how to catch you up. Everything has been good. Steady. Stable. Not too glamorous sounding? That is true. Not a complaint, though.

June was busy. I got to explore Pittsburgh for a work training. It wasn't great. I felt like I should have been in a sitcom. Something about being trapped in an industrial park hotel with co-workers and doing "self defense" (well, really it was termed comprehensive crisis management for the mentally ill). That sounds like I am mentally ill, and while I might have my moments, the purpose was to teach ME how to deal with crisis situations and then to go back to our agency and teach some "escape" moves. Like for example, if someone gets you on the ground, is punching you in the face, you thrust your hips up to maneuver them off. But what if the person is in between your legs, on top of you and punching you in the face? Ah ha, then you wrap your legs around their legs, spread their legs apart, THEN thrust your hips, unwrap one of your legs (for leverage) and then hoist the person off. Oh and of course, you should be screaming like hell for help. Always yell. I mean, it can't hurt, right? So, yes, I have some moves now. And I did have to practice this with my co-worker and we actually led the training for new hires at our agency last week. Hilarious? Yes. Luckily, I have learned the great and needed ability to laugh at myself. And to let others laugh at me (new hires watching my co-worker straddle me and I try to get him off?!).

So, June started out with Pittsburgh. It ended with Florida family vacation. We had a lovely time and truly felt off the radar from work and life here in the city. It felt nice to be with so much family. We are pretty isolated and independent up here with our life and work and just being together. Sometimes I forget that we are not alone and isolated, we have SO many people in our lives. They just don't happen to live super close. It was nice to feel known, loved, cared about to be around people who know me not from Community Connections and life here, but true "Heather" and "Jonathan". Sometimes, I forget that I have value for just being me. I don't have to "do" anything for value. It can be hard to remember when I feel like we continue to work, work, work. And work culture in general (everywhere) means you do something and that equals value. It was refreshing!

Now, its July. And June somehow feels far away. This past weekend we went to the beach boys concert at Wolftrap, a very cool, outdoor national park venue. It was blazing HOT. Like a heat index (which I don't really know what that means, but it sounds more dramatic) of 110. So, we are literally baking at the concert, but how can one be unhappy with the Beach Boys playing live and a full cooler of ice cold drinks? Growing up, I think the only CD my Dad owned was the Beach Boys greatest hits, so needless, to say we listened to it quite a lot. Good memories and nostalgia. And with a relaxed Jonathan and some good friends. As we were baking in the sun, it suddenly cooled off. Soon, it was POURING down rain with gusting winds and all. We were making a mad dash to the car, holding blankets, coolers, bags, it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in genuine joy in a long time. It was lovely. Organic joy from pouring rain, falling in the mud and sharing the moment with friends. I still feel joyful thinking about it.

I hope you all can find some joy like that this week. Even if it means mud on your clothes, an unplanned "wet t-shirt" party and some smeared mascara.

Hopefully, I will be back again. Sooner rather than later.