I think there is another FAIL to report...

Ya know all that "self soothing" that I did last night?

Well, I don't think it worked.

I just about had a passive panic attack because on the way home from work, I realized that I had left the stove ON boiling some chicken. It was on very low heat, but our stove is gas and that means an open flame and I thought surely I had just burned down our home and 41 other units in our building.

Truly, this is what is feels like to lose one's mind. I have never done something like that before.

Thank you JESUS that I walked in to a very terrible burned chicken (and pan) smell, but no smoke or fire or damage.WOW.

I am thankful, but my heart is still beating quickly and I feel like an idiot.

So, I need intervention. Self soothing help. My plan did not work. What is next? Alcohol? Prayer and meditation? Both....?

At least my hubby comes home tonight. I hope he can have a calming effect on me. He might want to run the other direction when he takes in the terrible burnt smell and sees the nicely ruined pot.

Positives: Tomorrow is Friday. And now I am going to a run (and buy new chicken breasts for the dinner I was supposed to make). And I rescheduled at the spa for a massage on Monday. Even better, they are going to give it to me complimentary because they botched the scheduling. That pretty much makes it worth it! (AND, I still can't feel badly about the skirt, shirt and sunglasses I bought last night on BananaRepublic.com all on sale and with an additional 25% off).

Self Soothing Required

To self soothe. Ahhh, what a catch phrase. I see this many times a day as I review, edit and write treatment plans; Skills such as self soothing are ones that we try to teach our youngsters and parents via community mental health.

We might practice relaxation techniques with a child. Belly breathing perhaps. Do you remember this from choir practice? I remember laying on the floor with a solo cup on my stomach. The idea is that the solo cup rises, because you breath deeply in your lungs so your stomach goes up. And so does the cup. A visual aid does wonders for a child, and adult. I still struggle with "belly breathing" but I am not afraid to lay on the floor of my office with a kiddo and mom to give it one more shot. Maybe my choir teacher lied to me. If so, I need to know before I continue this malarkey.

What about progressive muscle relaxation? Now, I have my drama teacher to thank for this one. I remember in middle school laying down on the floor (seems to be a theme) and "tightening and releasing" the muscles of the body, led by a dramatic narrative from our teacher. Then I took a high level psych class in graduate school (and paid a few thousand dollars) to learn that same exact thing. I even had to tape myself saying the narrative and turn it in for "review". Something I conquered in 7th grade cost me a pretty penny to have a PhD.D. professor listen to my voice on a cassette years later (maybe my parents can now feel good about private school education. Not the graduate school one, but the 7th grade one, ha).

Other self soothing: we might listen to music, help teenagers make lists, make self soothing boxes with lots of ideas of ways to calm down when upset, count to 10 (although I have had many a 10 year old say, "Ms. Heather, counting to 10 does NOT work! I need something new!", and who can blame hims and hers, that does sounds kinda lame!). Take a bubble bath. Snuggle with someone you love. Talk it out. Take a walk.

Don't: smoke marijuana, have aimless sex, self harm, yell at your mom, run out the house, get in a fight, etc, etc....

See there, you could now lead a skill building session on self soothing and even bill medicaid, if you can throw in some therapeutic words (and of course, actually provide the service).

While my day did NOT include this (read about my friend's Lacie's terrible day), it was quite horrible as well. I do not need to divulge all the gritty details, but yesterday and today were troubling for me at work and I felt real fear for my safety. To lose your peace of mind is priceless. This is a risk working with mentally ill people, but I've never felt directly threatened. I am working through it, to say the least.

God must have known it was going to be a rough week because on Monday (before all this happened) I booked a massage for this evening. My long run on Saturday left my body in bad shape and a pain in my upper buttocks (so proper) continued to ail me, so I thought that surely warranted a little sports massage. I mean I have to be in proper condition for the big race.

So, I left work early to decompress a bit and prepped for my big massage. I leisurely walk to the spa, enjoying the cooler weather, to show up at the desk to realize they don't have me booked and I cannot actually get the massage tonight. HUGE self soothing FAIL. What disappointment. How could a day get worse? I know it actually could, by lots of terrible things that really do matter, but at that moment the news that I would not be getting my ass worked by skilled hands really sent me into the dumps.

Self soothe resiliency action plan went into action. Go to the grocery store. Fix a plate from the "hot meal line" including one drummette of fried chicken, some Kraft type looking macaroni and cheese (ya know, bright orange "fake" cheese) and mashed potatoes. Pick up one slice of chocolate cake from the deli. Pick up sweet tea (hard to find in the North, but I got the full calorie kind in a bottle). One People style watch magazine. 2 DVDs from the Red box (I had to pick ones that are totally girly and lame and that Jonathan would never allow on the weekends).

Jonathan is away, which really stinks on a night like this, but I have my comfort food and DVDs to hopefully lighten my mood. Self soothing resiliency prevails! As well as, (I hope) a continued positive outlook for my life work and how to go about my day to day feeling safe and at peace. If only that were as simple as eating some comfort food and numbing the mind with some "rom com's" and magazines.

I have always bounced back. Cheers and optimism to that.
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P.S.- I just went on bananarepublic.com and they are having a sale. If you spend $100, then you get 25% off. Yikes. Now we are in trouble. Let's see, I didn't spend money on the massage so....

See, Jonathan, you really should have caught a flight home to rescue (or supervise) your wife from her misery. So she doesn't spend money in attempts to self soothe. A few lbs from carbohydrates are one things, but banana republic can do more lasting harm.

Training lessons

I have never considered myself a runner. I still do not consider myself a runner. But I am slowly becoming one in some sort of fashion.



In June, I started training for a half marathon, which is coming up quickly on Labor Day weekend. It really has been amazing. I've never pushed myself in such a physical way. Scared of failure, I've never signed up for anything like this because I honestly thought there is no way I could actually do it. Well, I am doing it! And this is not to boast of myself, becuase it really has been quite humbling. I've learned a lot about training. Training my body and my mind and how this can relate to other disciplines in life.



I followed this plan for running each week and slowly building my mileage. The plan worked. While at the beginning 3 miles was all I could run, I ran 11 miles this past Saturday! Only a few more until the 13.1 for the race. And it's been fun. Not every run, but towards the end, as I've realized its working, it's been joyful and worth it. As I ran this past Saturday, I was thanking God for legs and a body to be able to do this, for health, for a beautiful city for run through (quite some scenery) and a partner and sister to share it with me. God is faithful. We often don't thank Him for the very things around us. For moments. But it is these moments that make up a lifetime. As cheesy as that sounds, I am learning this day in and day out.


The race analogies for the Christian life also make more sense. If we can discipline our flesh and mind, we can surely have more endurance in our spirit and for the work of God in this world. We do not disciple ourselves for no reason, but to sanctify ourselves and work towards eternal purposes.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize".
-I Corinthians 9:24-27.

Stalk much?

So I was blog stalking this evening. Looking for inspiration. Bored with my own life, ready to read about others? Just a quite night at the DC home. Tuesdays tend to be the worst on the hubby gone front.

I came across this post. I do not know this writer, but I wish I did. I very much related. Pretty amazing that you can have fellowship and not even know someone.

Read this post, "Whisper Seekers".

I am there. Glad to know others are there as well.

Catch up.

Hi.

It has been awhile. I have thought of you. I even wrote, but then never entered "publish". Just didn't feel inspired I suppose. Sometimes even I wrote and it felt depressing, and I didn't want to be debbie downer. And I haven't been depressed, so didn't want to reflect a mood that wasn't accurate.

Let's see how to catch you up. Everything has been good. Steady. Stable. Not too glamorous sounding? That is true. Not a complaint, though.

June was busy. I got to explore Pittsburgh for a work training. It wasn't great. I felt like I should have been in a sitcom. Something about being trapped in an industrial park hotel with co-workers and doing "self defense" (well, really it was termed comprehensive crisis management for the mentally ill). That sounds like I am mentally ill, and while I might have my moments, the purpose was to teach ME how to deal with crisis situations and then to go back to our agency and teach some "escape" moves. Like for example, if someone gets you on the ground, is punching you in the face, you thrust your hips up to maneuver them off. But what if the person is in between your legs, on top of you and punching you in the face? Ah ha, then you wrap your legs around their legs, spread their legs apart, THEN thrust your hips, unwrap one of your legs (for leverage) and then hoist the person off. Oh and of course, you should be screaming like hell for help. Always yell. I mean, it can't hurt, right? So, yes, I have some moves now. And I did have to practice this with my co-worker and we actually led the training for new hires at our agency last week. Hilarious? Yes. Luckily, I have learned the great and needed ability to laugh at myself. And to let others laugh at me (new hires watching my co-worker straddle me and I try to get him off?!).

So, June started out with Pittsburgh. It ended with Florida family vacation. We had a lovely time and truly felt off the radar from work and life here in the city. It felt nice to be with so much family. We are pretty isolated and independent up here with our life and work and just being together. Sometimes I forget that we are not alone and isolated, we have SO many people in our lives. They just don't happen to live super close. It was nice to feel known, loved, cared about to be around people who know me not from Community Connections and life here, but true "Heather" and "Jonathan". Sometimes, I forget that I have value for just being me. I don't have to "do" anything for value. It can be hard to remember when I feel like we continue to work, work, work. And work culture in general (everywhere) means you do something and that equals value. It was refreshing!

Now, its July. And June somehow feels far away. This past weekend we went to the beach boys concert at Wolftrap, a very cool, outdoor national park venue. It was blazing HOT. Like a heat index (which I don't really know what that means, but it sounds more dramatic) of 110. So, we are literally baking at the concert, but how can one be unhappy with the Beach Boys playing live and a full cooler of ice cold drinks? Growing up, I think the only CD my Dad owned was the Beach Boys greatest hits, so needless, to say we listened to it quite a lot. Good memories and nostalgia. And with a relaxed Jonathan and some good friends. As we were baking in the sun, it suddenly cooled off. Soon, it was POURING down rain with gusting winds and all. We were making a mad dash to the car, holding blankets, coolers, bags, it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in genuine joy in a long time. It was lovely. Organic joy from pouring rain, falling in the mud and sharing the moment with friends. I still feel joyful thinking about it.

I hope you all can find some joy like that this week. Even if it means mud on your clothes, an unplanned "wet t-shirt" party and some smeared mascara.

Hopefully, I will be back again. Sooner rather than later.

A few moments for increased self esteem...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

Ladies, we should all start our day like this lil' sweetheart!

choices. and being a woman.

As I get closer to 30, "settle" into marriage with greater contentment and comfort, continue to pay the morgage, and gain quiet satisfaction with the mundane parts of life, I often struggle with questions of children, family, career and how to know the answer to so many unknowns. It feels like we are on the cusp of so many huge decisions and we are paralyzed because we don't even know how to start in such decisions. And we aren't super restless to end "life as we know it" either, so timing and knowing "when" kids might come into the scene are big questions. I was able to spend a weekend away with my dearest friends. Girls who I have literally grown up with from Orlando. We are now in all different cities, with careers, husbands and all the responsibilities of "grown up" life with dogs, bills, in-laws, etc. No kids yet in our "girl's group" though so I was comforted to hear my dear friends also struggling with such questions and not sure how to go forward and what that will look like in life. I am not alone!

Being a woman is complicated. I want to have a career. I love my job. I also want to be a great mom. So how does that work? Will it come to be if I am pregnant? Will it come to me if I see my baby born? Or do I try to work and see what that is like? Can I do it all? Is that what God wants for my family? Or do I pick one or the other? Or do I not try to figure it all out...Haha, probably!

A friend sent me this article and it truly hit home. I "know" this cognitively but it was a powerful reminder of the only satisfaction I will find.

The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness
Mary A. Kassian

Why are women so unhappy?
In 1963, Journalist and political activist Betty Friedan published a book that was the catalyst behind the women's movement in the United States. It was the book that "pulled the trigger on history." Friedan had conducted a questionnaire with the women gathered at her 15 year college reunion. She concluded that although these women were doing everything that society said would bring them happiness - that is, getting and staying married, staying home to raise kids, cooking meals and cleaning house, homemaking and home decorating, volunteering - that there were hints of dissatisfaction lingering beneath the surface of their picture-perfect lives. Her question was, "Why are women so unhappy?"

Friedan called the unhappiness of women "the problem that has no name." She pointed her finger at the male-female relationship and theorized that it was to blame. If only woman could leave the traditional role of homemaker behind, be educated and participate in the workplace on the same basis as man, be free to express herself sexually without any restraints, and have society free her from the burden of bearing and caring for children, THEN she would be happy. If woman could dictate the rules, then she and the whole of society would be much better off ... and woman's unhappiness would fade like a garishly patterned cotton drape under the touch of the summer sun.

"The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and brownies, lay beside her husband at night - she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question - "Is this all?"...

If I am right, the problem that has no name stirring in the minds of so many American women today is not a matter of loss of femininity or too much education, or the demands of domesticity. It is far more important than anyone recognizes. It is the key to these other new and old problems which have been torturing women and their husbands and children, and puzzling their doctors and educators for years. It may well be the key to our future as a nation and a culture. We can no longer ignore that voice within women that says: "I want something more than my husband and my children and my home."

Women must stretch and stretch until their own efforts will tell them who they are. They will not need the regard of boy or man to feel alive. And when women do not need to live through their husbands and children... this may be the next step in human evolution.

Who know what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves?... It has barely begun, the search of women for themselves. But the time is at hand when the voices of the feminine mystique can no longer drown out the inner voice that is driving women on to become complete."
-Betty Friedan, 1963

All of Friedan's goals for women have been achieved. As Susan Etheridge, for the New York Times notes, "American women are wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were at that time. They're more likely to work outside the home, and more likely to earn salaries comparable to men's when they do. They can leave abusive marriages and sue sexist employers. They enjoy unprecedented control over their own fertility. On some fronts - graduation rates, life expectancy and even job security -men look increasingly like the second sex."

But ironically, feminism's quest for women's happiness has only resulted in a greater level of unhappiness for women. In the sixties, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of "the problem with no name," American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that statistic has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, while female happiness has declined. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.

This is "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," the subject of a provocative paper published earlier this month by economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. The authors are perplexed about the incongruity between how much women's lives have objectively improved, and how happy they subjectively feel.

By most objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved dramatically over the past 35 years. Moreover, women believe that their lives are better; in recent polls asking about changes in the status of women over the past 25 or 50 years, around four in five adults state that the overall status of women in the U.S. has gotten better.... Additionally, the 1999 Virginia Slims Poll found that 72% of women believe that "women having more choices in society today gives women more opportunities to be happy" while only 39% thought that having more choices "makes life more complicated for women." Finally, women today are more likely than men to believe that their opportunities to succeed exceed those of their parents.

Yet trends in self-reported subjective well-being indicate that happiness has shifted toward men and away from women. ... This finding of a decline in women's well-being relative to that of men raises questions about whether modern social constructs have made women worse off... Rather than immediately inferring that the women's movement failed to improve the lot of women, we conclude with ... alternative explanations of this paradox.

The authors begrudgingly admit that feminism could have something to do with the declining rates of happiness for women: "The changes brought about through the women's movement may have decreased women's happiness." But they argue that this is only because " The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one's life is not measuring up...Or women may simply find the complexity and increased pressure in their modern lives to have come at the cost of happiness." They also propose that women may now feel more comfortable being honest about their true happiness and have thus deflated their previously inflated responses. Or, that the increased opportunities available to women may have increased what women require to declare themselves happy.
In the end, they just scratch their heads about the whole thing. They can't understand why feminism didn't deliver the happiness it promised. It pumped its best medicine into woman's veins, but somehow, it just exacerbated the disease.

C.S. Lewis once said, "What does not satisfy when we find it, was not the thing we were desiring."

Feminism's attempt to increase the happiness of woman by having woman control and dictate the terms of her own happiness was doomed to fail.

"God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about His ways. God cannot give us a happiness and peace aprt from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."Â (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Women can "stretch and stretch," but their own efforts will never "tell them who they are." The real paradox about female happiness is that though she might try, woman will never be able to make herself happy. Nor will men make woman happy. Nor will children, career, prominence, possessions, lifestyle...nor anything else that woman might strive after. Apart from a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ as the rock-solid foundation of joy, woman will never find what she is looking for. Without a vibrant personal relationship with Christ, she will forever ask herself Friedan's painful silent question - "Is this all?"