What We Need is Here.

"Geese appear high over us,

pass, and the sky closes.

Abandon, as in love or sleep,

holds them to their way,

clear in the ancient faith:

what we need is here.

And we pray, not for new earth or heaven,

but to be quiet in heart, and in eye, clear.

What we need is here. "



-Wendell Berry

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Jonathan and I were able to "get away" to the Delaware beach this weekend for a few days. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed, at ease, not thinking about what I needed to do next, or to feel guilty when relaxing because I "should be doing something more productive".

As I "protested" today at going back to work with psychosomatic symptoms of not feeling well, I came home a little early and found this poem, which really spoke to me, in light of the weekend. What we really need is here. Before us. Before me. Right now. Every day. Every breath. Yet I don't breath it enough, or recognize it, or label it, or appreciate it. So I hope to be more present NOW. Not tomorrow, or in an hour. But here and now. And see that I have all I need and when I look for something else, it is then I am lacking.

Prayer.

"To pray, I think, does not mean to think about God in contrast to thinking about other things, or to spend time with God instead of spending time with other people. Rather, it means to think and live in the presence of God. As soon as we begin to divide our thoughts about God and thoughts about people and events, we remove God from our daily life and put him into a pious little niche where we can think pious thoughts and experience pious feelings. ... Although it is important and even indispensable for the spiritual life to set apart time for God and God alone, prayer can only become unceasing prayer when all our thoughts -- beautiful or ugly, high or low, proud or shameful, sorrowful or joyful -- can be thought in the presence of God. ... Thus, converting our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer moves us from a self-centred monologue to a God-centred dialogue. "

From Henri Nouwen's "Clowning in Rome".

If you haven't read Nouwen, I would encourage you to do so. His writing is simple, yet speaks profound truth in a meet-you-where-you-are kind of way and its like you can feel his love and compassion for you, as the reader. I can sit down with a book for an hour (and maybe finish it, they are quick) and come away feeling comforted, refreshed and with a bit more wisdom to take with me. Perfect for a Sunday afternoon.

Live.Love.DC

Fresh flowers from Eastern Market

A sunset and a picnic followed by fireworks Cherry Blossoms galore

We are almost at our 2 year anniversary for living in the District of Columbia. It was this time two years ago that we took a weekend road trip to DC from Atlanta, went to a whirlwind of open houses, explored neighborhoods, decided that we wanted to move here and put an offer on a condo, which would end up being "home" and our first, scary yet exciting experience with real estate. While at times, I have felt "strangled" so to speak with owning a home, we love saying that it is "ours", investing in it and the panic of watching the creeping down real estate market (well, I wouldn't say we "love" that part but the sweet wouldn't be sweet without the sour, right?). A reality show might be in the making of how we raise our (future) family with 2+ kids in 580 square feet without having social services called. Ha. Not really funny and something that is on my mind probably too much as I am now 27.5 and my friends start popping out babies.

Back to how much I love living in DC. The Washingtonian did a spread this month titled, "26 reasons to love Washington and lots more reaons we're lucky to live here." Some of my highlights the magazine also noticed:

-You can see the sky!

Most big cities you are suffocated by tall buildings but not here where there is building height limit of 130 feet, approx. 13 stories. Plus the green spaces, parks, trails, grass make it quite beautiful and has a "European" look (to me).

- It's a great mix of the North and South.

People consider Virginia the South, yet you are a few hours drive to Philly and NYC. The beach, lakes, mountains, and vineyards are all a drive away. Skiing in the winter and beach in the summer!

-Our lives have beautiful backdrops, We go about our days amid carved marble and places from history books.

Yes, this is one of my favorites. I still get my breath taken away as I drive by the Potomac River each morning and pass by the Jefferson memorial (and cherry blossoms in the Spring) on my way to WORK. A potentially mundane task, but here is its beautiful and I don't get tired of it. Plus weekend walks around the city to see a painting I read about in a book, or just a stroll past Lincoln in his big chair, or some pushups in Lafayette Square across from the White house.

-DC always has an aura of excitement. A feeling that any moment something of great importance is about to happen.

Last night walking home from the gym, we had to be re-routed because the Correspondence Dinner was happening and the road was blocked off with secret service, limos, and DC like celebs (and some real celebs) arrived in their tuxs and fancy dresses. Then I turned it on at home on C-SPAN and thought weird, this is happening 2 blocks from where I live. Now I don't think this particular dinner is the most important thing in the world, but the excitment was an unexpected surprise on a Saturday night.

-Reading is respected, higher education is honored, and the sexiest people are not skinny but smart.

While I have noticed that there are a lot less overweight people here (as opposed to the South), people work out to be healthy, not foxy. Yes, sometimes I do get tired of more drab looking, serious people, but brains are the new PRADA, right?! Ha. I have to think that all the brains here are working towards a better good. In my non-profit world, I am surrounding by everyday hero's who inspire me with their dedication to service, not climbing the ladder, and being in touch with people and their needs. Oh and did I mention living paycheck to paycheck to provide such services. While I don't say this is true for much of DC (aka the government sector who i hear are rennovating offices-not to extend judgement to all because i have a few "fed" friends that are exempt from my resentment), my pals and crowd are awesomely fun and great people.

Others the Washingtonian didn't mention....CLEAN metro!, being able to walk around, seasons, lots of free activities like concerts and festivals, lack of chain restaurants (although I do crave Chili's more often than I like to admit), and Rock Creek Park.

Something else great about our experience is that we live in a great neighborhood near Adams Morgan in NW. This means we get to explore surrounding areas quite easily like Dupont Circle, Logan, U St., Columbia Heights and Cleveland Park. That is already a lot. THEN I work in another super cool neighborhood, Eastern Market, which means I get to explore Capitol Hill and the areas around....There are so many cool and distinct neighborhoods.

So, Happy Anniversary to Us and DC!

I'm glad we jumped out in faith and/or craziness to come here 2 years ago for a new adventure.

Day by day.

Hi. I'm still here.

I haven't thought of anything to write about recently .

These past few weeks have been good. My parents came last weekend to DC to visit Ash, Jonathan and I. We had a nice visit with cherry blossoms and a day trip to Annapolis for some blue crabs and a more laid back atmosphere. This weekend I spent some time with work peeps, went to see fireworks for the ending of the cherry blossom festival, and then shared brunch with some friends on Easter.

Work is busy. Kids still have issues. I try to help them. Sometimes I feel like I am...Other times I feel clueless, untrained, and unworthy to even talk to them about these issues and just pray I don't harm them, more than hurt them! Working with human hearts and souls, filled with hurt and pain, is messy work. While I have read many a text book and continue to learn as much as I can there are times when there might not be an "answer", yet I am "with" these dear children and try to share in their life and experience with as much love and grace as I can muster. There is nothing greater I could try to pour myself into and I am thankful that these families are in my life. I hope they know that they teach me so much and give me so much. I should tell them. Then there are so many boundaries of professionalism that keep me separated from them in certain ways, which is good for us both, but my heart often has no boundaries in my care for these little ones. My parents always talk about me turning democrat, well if it means loving and wanting to care for others then I have been pegged. Isn't that the heart of Christ? To give to those who have not? Who am I (or you) to say who deserves it and who does not? I know I do not deserve anything. Only through the righteousness of Christ can I stand before my Lord.

My spirit feels kinda flat. I am content. But this season does not feel exciting, but I guess they should not always be full of fun and anticipation. Perseverance, quiet diligence, dutifulness. That is how most of my days are lately. Jonathan is still traveling and if you know us, work issues with him seem to drone on as we try to sort out what we need to be learning and if there will ever be an end in sight.

I like Brooke Fraser's songs. Her lyrics. Listen to "Faithful".

Some lyrics say, " When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same. When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray. And I want you more than I want to live another day...And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful"....

So that's where I'm at. And because HE is always faithful, I wait day by day and continue walking on this path, even though most days it doesn't feel glamorous or amazing, but know that He is doing something IN me, AROUND me, THROUGH me, and DESPITE of me.

Banana Pudding.

I don't think anyone chooses to work with children so they can feel uber appreciated each day. While I work hard, and am most of the time am happy to do it, with the kids, teenagers and parents here in DC, I don't expect "thank you's" or a general appreciation from them. Actually if I manage to not get attitude from a Mom or snide silence from a teenager, then that is a pretty good day. While I have a sense that most of the families are appreciative of me and my relationship with them, I am O.K. with not having a tangible demonstration of this appreciation.

However, this week one of the families I work with surprised me and totally made my day and probably my week. I am still beaming about it. As I was dropping off two of their teenage girls one night about 6pm after a girl's group, the little boy (who I also work with and have known 2 years now) and his little brother, come running out of the house, hyper and full of energy, no shirts on, and are knocking crazily at my window. They present me with a big Tupperware of banana pudding and are so excited that they almost drop it on the curb as I am trying to get the door open with them pushing against it.

You see a few weeks ago, when I was dropping one of the kids off I went inside to check in with their mother and Grannie, and they were in the middle of making banana pudding. I joked and said that banana pudding was my favorite, being from the South, and how nice it was to make it for me and all. Well, their Mom (who could certainly be described as "sassy" to put a positive spin on it) said, "This banana pudding is spoken for," continuing in a playful banter. I hadn't thought about it again until this week, when I got my own batch and it was delicious and such a sweet gesture that really encouraged me.

Hugs, smiles, small improvements and the kids in general make me love my work and the people I get to know, but a gift of banana pudding will be at the top of my list for awhile.

Ina Garten and coming up for air.

When I got home from work last night, I felt very tired and exhausted to a new and different degree. No joke, I was asleep by 9pm (I am normally a night owl) and couldn't even stay awake to talk to my hubby that night and almost felt as if I was drugged, and had no choice in my state of consciousness.

I awoke to feeling terrible so have been home today "sick" with something of a touch of the flu and a migraine. Quite against this idea, I began driving to pick up a kid around 10am, and had to turn around, just couldn't do it.

So I've been snuggled on the couch, taking naps with the food network in the background, as I have drifted in and out of sleep. I had a dream that I was in the Hamptons with Ina Garten and now awake, still keep thinking I wish we could be friends. She seems like a lovely person and watching her show makes me want to slow down life and move to the beach where I would have time to arrange flowers from the garden (also which I grew), go to gourmet markets to pick out delicacies, and invite friends over for lovely hosted picnics and dinners. Can life really be like that? Would I even like that for long?

This morning when I first "gave in" to my sick day status, I was thinking that this would be good chance for me to catch up on life. Like finishing my paper which is due on Friday. Typing in my monthly progress notes for all my kids for work. Mopping the floor perhaps. Going on a walk since I haven't been able to work out all week. Well, none of that was accomplished because I have felt sicker than I anticipated, which leaves me wishing for a not- so -sick, but still "sick" day or a time in my life at the beach with Ina.

Well, I guess I will take a walk to 7-11 because I need a diet coke and perhaps a magazine and some fresh air.

Yikes.

I haven't written in awhile. While I have had many "blogs" written in my thoughts as I drive around, listen to music, and sit awake at night going to sleep (or not), they have not materialized as being busy has taken over my life. I feel like I come up for gasps of air, and then sink back down with more "things to do". Ugh. 2009 is turning out to be a year of to-do's, working really hard, then being told I need to work harder, and growing intellectually,academically and professionally.

Note: this is not at all fun. I think I might rather it be a year for social growth and personal relaxation. Ha. However, there is a season for everything and know God is stirring in me through all this learning and doing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all my thoughts because I don't know what they mean or what they "look like"!

If only I had time to "soak it up". That is the problem! Really, I would try to enjoy it more, but hence the "I can't breathe-coming up for air" piece.

This past week, I went to an Ash Wednesday service. I had never been to one of these before but was looking forward to a time to sit and just soak it in. God, quiet, fellowship, something...I came seeking and needed filling up.

Well, the speaker talked about how repentance leads to true joy in salvation. If you have never experienced true repentance, then you cannot experience the joy of the Lord. Why? Because when you are repentant, then you come to the end of all hope in yourself, and know that you need God to save your soul. This is not sad or somber. Not a time for weeping, but a time of overflowing joy, because when we are not enough, Christ is enough, and that is SO great! Make sense? It does to me and that is probably because I feel so inadequate and shitty in myself. Not that I have poor self esteem or confidence - I have a good amount of both- but I know the end of Heather and the beginning of Christ. Really, I am nothing, He is everything. For me, I had to learn the hard way in many things, fall down, fall hard, you get the picture. How do you learn otherwise? Can you know without royally messing up? Or are we all royally messed up just in being? I don't know.

Anyways, at the service the people read together these powerful confessions (take a deep breath) ....

"Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and before one another that we have sinned in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven other, as we have been forgiven. We have been deaf to your call of serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit. We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives; our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people. We confess our envy of those more fortunate than us, our intemperate love of money and of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work. We confess our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is within us; our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to poverty, injustice and cruelty. We confess our false judgements, our uncharitable thoughts towards our neighbors, and our prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from us."

YIKES.

I have kept this close and re-read it several times this week. First, it gets me out of "me". Isn't that always the problem? I love the words and the reminders....

Feast on the words and what they mean. Remember there is so much MORE.