Yikes.

I haven't written in awhile. While I have had many "blogs" written in my thoughts as I drive around, listen to music, and sit awake at night going to sleep (or not), they have not materialized as being busy has taken over my life. I feel like I come up for gasps of air, and then sink back down with more "things to do". Ugh. 2009 is turning out to be a year of to-do's, working really hard, then being told I need to work harder, and growing intellectually,academically and professionally.

Note: this is not at all fun. I think I might rather it be a year for social growth and personal relaxation. Ha. However, there is a season for everything and know God is stirring in me through all this learning and doing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all my thoughts because I don't know what they mean or what they "look like"!

If only I had time to "soak it up". That is the problem! Really, I would try to enjoy it more, but hence the "I can't breathe-coming up for air" piece.

This past week, I went to an Ash Wednesday service. I had never been to one of these before but was looking forward to a time to sit and just soak it in. God, quiet, fellowship, something...I came seeking and needed filling up.

Well, the speaker talked about how repentance leads to true joy in salvation. If you have never experienced true repentance, then you cannot experience the joy of the Lord. Why? Because when you are repentant, then you come to the end of all hope in yourself, and know that you need God to save your soul. This is not sad or somber. Not a time for weeping, but a time of overflowing joy, because when we are not enough, Christ is enough, and that is SO great! Make sense? It does to me and that is probably because I feel so inadequate and shitty in myself. Not that I have poor self esteem or confidence - I have a good amount of both- but I know the end of Heather and the beginning of Christ. Really, I am nothing, He is everything. For me, I had to learn the hard way in many things, fall down, fall hard, you get the picture. How do you learn otherwise? Can you know without royally messing up? Or are we all royally messed up just in being? I don't know.

Anyways, at the service the people read together these powerful confessions (take a deep breath) ....

"Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and before one another that we have sinned in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven other, as we have been forgiven. We have been deaf to your call of serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit. We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives; our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people. We confess our envy of those more fortunate than us, our intemperate love of money and of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work. We confess our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is within us; our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to poverty, injustice and cruelty. We confess our false judgements, our uncharitable thoughts towards our neighbors, and our prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from us."

YIKES.

I have kept this close and re-read it several times this week. First, it gets me out of "me". Isn't that always the problem? I love the words and the reminders....

Feast on the words and what they mean. Remember there is so much MORE.