sara groves and garth brooks.

It has been a heavy week.

Mostly work stuff, which means children's lives being turned upside down by parents who suck, drugs, death, tragedy, poverty, and abuse. Sometimes it goes in and out, leaving me somehow unscathed. Other days it seems to soak in more and stick with me. That's where I am at now. Trying to move on by watching lame television. I am just getting annoyed which how dumb it is. Attempted to work on a 30 page paper (which is literally giving me nightmares and yet I still procrastinate) but that was heavy too as I explore the effects of parental substance abuse on children. I flipped through a magazine with holiday decoration "how to's" and recipes. Sorry, not really feeling the holiday spirit and I still don't feel "adult" enough to spend my budgeted finances on a Christmas tree. Bah humbug. If I had a bottle of wine, I'd self soothe, but my cabinets are bare (also because of the damn budget, to pay for my anxiety producing class). Jonathan is still gone, so I can't distract myself with him or gain comfort from snuggling on the couch.

But, in the midst of a "heavy" mood, I am okay.

Not sure how I got here, but I am thankful. Mostly, even though my day to day can be emotionally draining, I love it. Not really "it", but the children, the pissed off teenagers, the crazy mother's. They make me laugh. Make me think. Stretch me and my thoughts on this world. Of course, annoyance, anger and frustration also come along with the good, as in all other human relationships.

Driving today after a painful experience, I listened to the following song,

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before
and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load


Now, I do not come close to being a saint and really don't desire that kind of status, but the part of the song that I loved were the reminders of battles fought. Yes, they are always here and sometimes seem hopeless and unending. However, I am happy to take my place as a fighter in the battle. Yes, you can sit it out. Yes, you can have others fight the battles. But the battles are still raging, if you choose to ignore them, they do not stop. I am pumped up by generations ahead and after me that have and will love enough to fight-for justice, for people, for Jesus.

A favorite song of mine growing up was "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks. I've always thrown myself hard into relationships and well, life, so the lyrics pumped me up and they still do....."There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire...."

I might get beat up and burned, but I want "in". There was a time in my recent past in which I felt like not fighting. Sadness. Confusion. Loss of purpose. I almost let people and things in my life slip away that are really important. So, I am eternally grateful for grace and that God knows me better than I do, because He gave me back my will to fight and I am clinging to it.....

And praise be to Him who gave Himself unto death in the fight...yet brought victory and freedom to me through His blood and sacrifice.