Lively Pursuits

Christmas Recap.

2011-01-10T20:07:00.006-05:00

Happy 2011! My husband is so good looking!

Beachside Bar for the New Year. Low Key, Fun, Loved it! In bed by 12:30!

After dinner at the beach bar.

Wine, reading and sister.

The family on NYE.

Mama's favorite kind of day (me too).

Gorgeous. I never get tired of sun, sand, water and palm trees!

Christmas Day: Jarrell cousins with Grandmommy. 6 cousins, 3 of us have spouses and Grandmommy has 3 great grandchildren. She is beautiful and full of grace (and humor) in her late 80's.

Traditional Christmas morning at Campbell St. with the fam.

Well, for my bah hum bug attitude, we had a very wonderful holiday.

It's nice to be treated like royalty at my parents at the Orlando home. We enter into a beautifully decorated home (remember: no decorations at our place, no room for storage) to my Mom and Dad who have goodies waiting, the pantry stocked with all of our favorites, Dad's breakfasts every morning, cozy wood burning fires (it was cool enough this year), and yet enough sunshine to go on long walks, which we really miss this time of the year in DC (not enough to freeze our faces off, apparently). The house is big enough to spread out on a couch where its quiet, or to join around the kitchen table, its the perfect amount of togetherness, you can have a little bit of what you are in the mood for at the moment, which I appreciate for family holidays!

*Bonus: My Mom got an "insta-king" so we had a bed to sleep in, together! After 4 years of marriage, they are getting used to the idea that we sleep together (before it was twin beds, seriously! Or we'd kick my sister our of her room for her double bed and she didn't like that.) Next year's goal : Getting Jonathan an embroidered stocking! After 5 years of marriage (by then), hopefully they will make the leap.

Then we went down to Little Cayman Island for a few days of beaches, sunshine, swimming and great friends. Some of Jonathan and I's dearest friends in DC are actually the granddaughters (and one grandson in-law) of one of my Dad's friends. We met because of my Dad and their Granddad, and the chances of that resulting in a friendship are SO rare, but we really hit gold in meeting these girls and one husband. It's hard to make GOOD friends and we have found three!

Our friend's family are from the Cayman Islands (they are a colony of England) and they have some property down there so we went as their guests and it was amazing. We were treated again like royalty and loved the BEAUTIFUL views and to have sun and sand in December was quite a treat. So, I'm feeling quite spoiled and thankful for the holidays.

Here are some pictures (above)!

2011. "Many are the plans in a man's (or woman's) heart....

2011-01-10T18:59:00.003-05:00

....but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails," Proverbs 19:21.

May I bind this in my heart and mind. May I think of it when I rise and when I wake.

2011. Hello. What is to come in this new year? Will it be good? Will it be hard? Sometimes, I have the sense that things are very good in my life and something bad is around the corner. Oh, Lord, give me faith. You give, you take away. I am gifted with life on this earth, however, long or short, with the purpose of giving God glory and praise and to have the humbling opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus. To give hope. To "be" with others as I imagine Jesus was when he walked the earth. Yes, He healed people. Yes, He taught. But He did this while "being" with people, in sharing life, having meals, walking, fishing, experiencing the day to day with normal people.

Mark 14:12-13 says, (Jesus is talking) "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it".

How humbling that Jesus was saying that we (as believers) would do as He did when He walked the earth, with the power of the Holy Spirit and in the power of the name of Jesus. And He gave us permission to use His name for ministry.

I often encounter sufferings, injustices, and situations, tragedies, traumas that break my heart day in and out (God is good to heal me and fill me up continually and often, or else I couldn't keep going) from my job and the families I form relationships with because they come to our agency. This is a special opportunity that I really take seriously and am humbled often. While its a "job" and I have education in a certain area, really, I use myself as a person the most at my job. So that means it does not just separate and compartmentalize into "job" and "other life". It is all life and influences me without difference.

Personally, I have felt loss, sadness, regrets, heartache, too. In early December, I mentioned a friend of the family completing suicide and losing her life. This past week, I found out about someone I knew a few years ago, choosing to end his life by suicide. There is no way to reason with such a tragedy, it's very sad and make me feel sick to think that any person gets to that day and feels no hope or no sense that things will or could get better. Can you imagine? I put myself in that situation and what it would feel like: very dark, so lost, smelling of the Enemy trying to destroy and kill (literally) as he lurks around this world. My stomach feels sick at its pit and I weep for sorrow for these dears ones I knew and others like them who are very sad and without hope.

Then I long for more, long for eternity, for God to show himself and that all might bow down and worship Him. For the sufferings to end....

Our time is so limited. My time is limited. 2011, another year is here and Lord, what do you have? How can I be helpful? Keep me fine tuned to your voice, give me your wisdom and leadings. Fill me up so I will be like a well that never runs dry so I can "be" with people in the world (they are all your children), to meet them where they are at, if they know You or do not (I should treat them the same, with grace), to love and encourage my family and friends as well as those I work with as peers, colleagues and then those families that I meet through the role you've given me as "work". Help me to accept when I need help and sanctification and repentance. To not run from my own inadequacies but to be humble in asking for help and support and places I need to tweak. I am weak and a sinner and need You. Only you.

" I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing," John 15:5.

Bah Humbug?

2010-12-01T21:52:00.003-05:00

Well, I just read a blog that I really enjoyed and it gave me "permission" so to speak for these words!

Check it out:
http://www.margeryraveson.com/2010/11/in-defense-of-grinch.html

While I do not know this writer (she is the mother of a friend-of-a-friend), I was screaming "YES" as I read. Finally. A fellow "Grinch".

I don't know where my spirit of "bah humbug" has come from and I don't know if I like it or hate it. Perhaps, I'm content with it?

You see, I like seeing my family. I enjoy spending time with them. But for some reason, at the holidays, it seems a lot more stressful. Is it me? Is it them? The airport is more crowded. People are more rude. Things seem hectic. Couldn't I just see my family another weekend or few days when it's not so chaotic? I enjoy food. I enjoy drink. I don't enjoy feeling so stuffed and miserable and eating, and drinking, and eating and drinking where every activity includes food and there are like 3 activities a day. Of course, I can not partake, but then everyone would KNOW I am a closet "Grinch" and we just can't have that.

Yet, those are small grudges about the holidays. This time of year is hard for many. A wise 11 year old I spend time with each Thursday told me this past week about his birthday, " I mean, it's the worst day of the year. I go back to school and what am I supposed to tell everyone when they ask me, "What did you get? What did you do?", I try to think of something to make up so no one will know it was terrible and I didn't do or get anything special. Why can't it just be a normal day? And now the holidays are here, OH GREAT."

The difference between "the haves" and "have nots" is so great and it seems to be magnified at this time of year. The "haves" make their beautiful homes even more beautiful with decor and signs of their well-to-do, their time to not only keep their home but decorate it for pleasure. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy beauty. A pretty wreath of fresh greenery, a big red bow and white lights, do bring a feeling of warmth and pleasure this time of year. However, the tears and worries of this eleven year old just continue to haunt me. He is longing for more. I don't even think it's the newest toy or a perfectly iced cake, but love, support, stability. MORE.

My own experience with Christmas was always "perfect" in the traditional, worldly sense, so maybe I have no unfulfilled Christmas fantasy that I am waiting for and for that I am thankful. I am grateful to have been given so much that maybe this has allowed me to have space to see that there is MORE and to desire that in a deeper way than all this superficial. Hopefully, this is not coming off judgemental of anyone who enjoys the lights, and gifts, and all the beautiful times of the year. There are beautiful parts. But you have to look a little bit harder. And often its the more simple things that are real.

A family friend recently completed suicide. A few days after Thanksgiving. The day after she had called to invite my mother to a Christmas party that was supposed to be this weekend. I can't get her out of my mind, although she was my parent's friend, more than mine. She was very successful as an executive at a huge Orlando institution, hundreds in the community came to remember her life, she had a big, loving family, a mother and father, siblings, a husband and two children. Yet she was looking for MORE. At that last minute of her life, she couldn't find any hope to see what the next day would bring. How does that happen? It's just irreconcilable to me. Hard to move on from. Being in mental health, one of my deepest fears is losing someone to suicide. To missing something in a person, that there is not any hope left for MORE. Or at least MORE on this side of eternity.

So, here I am again, Debbie Downer. I'm sorry. I tell you, don't bring me to a cocktail party!

More. I long to recognize beauty beyond Christmas lights, give to those in need more than a canned food drive, and to feel God's presence every day and not as the surge in church sermons preach "God with us". Emmanuel is here and is the MORE. In July. In December. In May. In this life, before my first breath, and after my last.

And to the young boy, and many others like him (or even worse off), I believe that our Faithful God will be real to him and know him. And hopefully be MORE than enough, despite his have not's in this world.

" Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven, Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted...Blessed are...." Matthew 5

When you think about the homeless, what comes to mind....

2010-11-20T19:18:00.005-05:00

Do you wonder how they got to this point?

Do you judge?

Do you think about that this could be your friend from grade school, your uncle, your sibling? Or does it feel like that is so far from possible?

Do you blame? Do you attribute the homelessness to drug use? Drinking? Mental Illness?

I have had all the above thoughts, questions and assumptions, but my experience with real people, who happen to be homeless, has been drastic to change my thinking in the past few years.

That is the biggest things about assumptions. They often come when you don't know a REAL person with (often biased) struggles and you assume that they are so different than you. The more I am with people and know them, the more I see our similarities, rather than our differences. I like this. I like people and sharing life with them, and experiences. And being open to their experiences and in sharing my own.

Homelessness. Saturday was the Walk for the Homeless on the National Mall. My agency participated to help raise money and our agency is a benefactor from the fundraising, because we have housing programs to reduce homelessness. So, the topic of homelessness has been more "in my face" than normal in light of this walk and working to raise awareness in DC and the country.

Before the walk, on Friday afternoon, my last meeting of the day was to meet a new family. This is one of my favorite parts of my role. I, along with the case manager on my team, meet for the first time with a child or teen and his/her parent/grandparent/caregiver. A precious family tells us their story. They invite us in. They trust us. Of course, this doesn't always happen immediately, but its a beautiful beginning and I always leave feeling humbled, inspired and changed. I want to always be pliable. I want each story, each life, each family to change me. I have so much to learn.

What timing! This meeting on Friday was at a family shelter in DC. The family has been homeless and now feel fortunate enough to be in a shelter. A shelter that is in the same complex of the DC jail and the DC morgue. It is very odd that all of these entities exist on the same property and very close to one another. We couldn't find the right building, and ended up in the morgue, while trying to find a family shelter. Doesn't that just seem wrong?

As this family welcomed us into their room, which is currently their "home", we sat on the child's bed, and worked to engage an anxious, sad, withdrawn little boy. He is precious. There were so many moments during that hour and a half that broke my heart. My stomach fluttered. My eyes burned, as I resisted tears. We left with hopes to meet this family again next week, inspired from a mother who is a survivor, who is fighting for her family, a young boy who worries about going into foster care because they can't find a place to live (but he doesn't want to leave his family), a teenage girl who helps her little brother with homework every night because their mother can't read....Yet, they sing songs in the dark when they go to sleep (all in the same tiny room at the shelter), they joke and name the mice, which scamper around at night, they plan for the future, they have hope, they dream, they know it can get better, they are thankful to have one another and to have someone to fight for and with against the battles they face. Their trauma and past tragedy felt so real, yet so did their survival and resilience.

As we "walked for homelessness" on the national mall in DC on Saturday, this family was forefront my mind. I can't stop thinking about them. I hope you will have an opportunity to know people in different walks of life than you. That causes like "homelessness" will not be vague crusades, but that you will have a chance to meet real people, to hear stories and see faces that are influenced by homelessness. By mental illness. By HIV and Aids. By poverty. By sexual abuse. By trauma. There are many stories to be told and listeners are needed.

P.S. - I just saw "For Colored Girls". This will be another blog post, when I can refuel my emotional energy. I recommend it highly but it is difficult to watch. Throw off your blinders and open your self to the experiences of others. This is one way to "listen" to someone's story.

To be content.

2010-11-14T21:09:00.002-05:00

If I were to go through my journals (and maybe even this blog), I would find much about being content. Mostly around my struggle to be content regardless of my circumstances (In Philippians 4:12, Paul shares "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

While I have always had earthly security and abundance such as a warm and stable home, loving supports, and more than enough financial provisions, my heart struggles to be at rest and content. If I make it to be an old woman, I wonder if I will continue to write and pray and work on this heart issue?

In psych 101, I remember learning about some named phenomenon (I don't even remember the psychological) where people are always waiting until the next "stage" in life and only then, will they be happy. Similarly, the well known quote, "Happiness is a journey, not a destination," stressing to be content and present in each moment, each step of the way, because this is in fact life. Another saying, "Life is what happens when you are making plans," comes to mind. Pop culture is filled with this philosophy of being content.

I wonder what the Lord means for us each day in this? I struggle between being present and content and wanting to DO and ACT to make things happen and better and more meaningful. I don't know if that is wrong or right. Most likely, there is a balance that I must find. How to be making changes (sanctification!) but also content and present for today. I'm not even a super big planner, I like being spontaneous and rebel against "plans" but the bigger contentedness of being satisfied and that our life is purposeful and good and all of that, is the hard part for me.

Although I can mouth off all the things I am "grateful" for in my life and my head knows I am SO freaking blessed with every piece of the pie, my heart feels like a fraud. Something feels off. While I don't think I need to be at the top of the roller coaster with being "happy" all the time, I need to be more at rest and okay with myself and my situation, even when this restlessness and sadness seems to be more consistent than not for a few weeks. Maybe its the sun setting at 5pm, the weather cooling off, the holidays looming...This time of the year can be a struggle for me for some reason. Maybe its because everyone seems to love it so much and I just can't "fake" it. How cynical and bah hum bug of me. But if I can't vent on the Internet and with you, friends, then I am really not being present and real! However, I am a work in progress and I know that the Lord's grace will sustain me and continue to teach me....Hopefully, if I make it to be that old woman, I can share wisdom to younger ladies searching for more, when MORE is already here! Right?!

P.S.- I just realized that my last post was all about me being content.....ahhh. See what I mean? Battle. Up and down. Jonathan's says something is not right in my head at times. Maybe. Is that just how woman are (and that is such a man response)? But I do not claim that in the name of Jesus and I claim sanity and clarity, haha. Kidding, but not really, I do need it in big dosages! Do you know what I do all day? I love, love, love it but it can be A LOT if I don't get filled up by the Lord, because I can be zapped and drained quickly!

Grateful.

2010-10-04T21:08:00.003-04:00

My heart is full. Not in an emotional way, but in a steady state, peaceful, content and with great thankfulness. Humbled. I don't deserve anything good, but am thankful to God, the giver of life and everything good.

It is not like I have one great thing or big news to report. I am just thankful for my life and all that God has given. I then wonder how to remain conscientious, grateful and humbled to give back and be faithful to those in my life, to those I meet, and to my God, who gives such love to share.

Jonathan and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary. Words cant express the goodness of marriage. The duty to one another, while it does not sound romantic, truly is a blessing. Even though some times are hard, it is worth it and so good. I love sharing life with my husband. No, we don't know when to have kids, or how to figure it out, or what to do about jobs, houses, cities, etc. But we are in it together. And it's so great to have a partner. I am thankful for his commitment to me. Even when I am mad at him or he frustrates me. As humans, we both stumble and fall, but I am grateful for this season in our marriage where we are so good. We know how to do this now, maybe. I hate to even say things are good, so they don't get bad. Do you ever think that way? Well, I hope we are building a foundation for the hard times and sufferings in this world. I hope to remember my gratefulness, in times where I question or don't understand.

We got away for our anniversary. A road trip to New England with a few days in Boston and then a long weekend in Nantucket, which felt like paradise on earth. I am starting to miss nature being in a city like setting, so the many untouched beaches, dunes, sea Oates, and ocean views of the island really refreshed me. The salt air, the sand, riding bikes, a beautiful hotel with a fireplace, no traffic, wonderful meals and even some great friends (we got to visit with friends in Boston, Nantucket and on our way home in Connecticut). It was so great. I feel happy just thinking about it.

After our anniversary trip, I came back to DC for a quick day at the office and then was able to go away on a work retreat. Grateful. A group of newer (and younger) supervisor advocated for this time away and training. To let your mind go and get away from the day to day responsibilities is so productive. I set goals. I remember my mission. I thought about how to implement it better. I got encouragement. I met peers and built relationships. I really, really liked the people I got to know. Isn't that amazing? The more I get to know people at my agency, the more I really like them. I feel less isolated and more encouraged. We brainstormed, thought of action items and found support. I remembered things I wanted to do with my team, but forgot about once the crises rolled in. We laughed because everyone else forgot too, so I didn't feel too guilty. We talked about how to not forget again (because the chaos will return).

Now, a normal week. I am grateful. Today, it felt very chaotic. There was a lot going on and much I could have been stressed about. Actually, my body felt the stress, my head was pounding, I don't think I ate lunch, and I felt strained. But my mind won the battle. I insisted to remain at peace. While I don't have control of the situations, I worked to be in control of myself. To be intentional about remaining grateful and remaining at peace. I have to be at peace, to impart peace to others. Hopefully, people can come to me in their stress and I can help them rest. If I am stressed and to my wit's end, then I can impart nothing.

Maybe this is not realistic, but I am trying and praying for the Lord to fill me up with His spirit. I want to wake up earlier to be more at peace in the morning. To prepare myself for whatever God has for me. To prepare myself for the people I might meet. To be able to truly "be" with the people on my team, in my home, in my life as family and friends. Our time here is a gift and I want to be able to pour myself into relationships and love well. I don't want to be "too stressed" and overwhelmed to push people away. My mind needs to be open and at rest, so I can receive wisdom and reach out for answers. I don't want to be "too full" that I cannot take in any more. Lord, help me make space. For you, for your presence and peace, for you to have control of me, for me to be open to learn, to take in, to breath, to love, more and better....

Less of me. More of You.

Success.

2010-09-07T20:47:00.005-04:00

Since my last blog title had the word, fail, I have decided I will gloat on this one.

I finished the half marathon. No stopping, which was my goal! I will have to say I did not do it on my own. Ashley was a rock star. It didn't look like she sweat much and it seemed like a breeze...she probably could have kept on going. And Jonathan was so great to run with and he really kept me going. He was such a sweetheart and so much fun. He didn't even make fun of the runners in all their "garb" and the hoopla of the race (well, he made fun but not too much).

I have felt really great throughout this whole training process until the week of mile 12. During this run, I felt some kind of pain/twinge/something is not quite right, "HELL it HURTS" kind of thing in my upper butt, hip, lower back area. Hmm. Not really sure what it was.

I rested. It wasn't bothering me. Well, during the race, on mile 8, it came back. After a little pity party (during the race) that this came back up, I was able to pull it together and feel pretty good for a few miles (including a hill). Then literally at mile 12.5, I really didn't think I could go any farther. I felt like my leg was going to become detached from my hip joint or something. Of course this is dramatic, but I really did feel like that. Ask Jonathan (although he might confirm the "dramatic" part, but not the leg detachment issue).

Did I mention that Jonathan ran beside me the entire way? He could go MUCH faster, but he stayed with me the whole thing and it was awesome. Ash too. We all stuck together. At 12.5, when I was like, "Jonathan, I don't know if I can do it", he was so encouraging and was like, "We have trained 3 months for this and you have .5 miles to go, I will carry you from here if I need to but you are not stopping!". At the last mile, Ash started to go a little faster so I lost her in the crowd, but as we got to the finish line, she was there so we could all go across together.

When I crossed the finish line, I felt such a surge of emotions, I started to cry. That sounds so cheesy but I really did. Jonathan was like, "really?! get it together" and I did, but it was an emotional rush! And I felt so out of control of my body, I started to pee my pants....haha so bizarre! I really didn't (not like running down my leg or something) but I was amazed that my body felt like it was shutting down or something.

What an experience.

Now it's over. I honestly feel a bit of the post race blues. I was reading that because running helps your mood by boosting endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine, following a big event when your running and exercise decreases your mood can drop. Hmmm. It makes sense. And it's the end of a holiday weekend with beautiful weather, the beach, a really great time with my husband and sister, and days of rest.

So, to keep running? And to be thankful for such great memories and the opportunities in my life. I am grateful despite a return to the hum-drum.

I think there is another FAIL to report...

2010-08-26T19:09:00.002-04:00

Ya know all that "self soothing" that I did last night?

Well, I don't think it worked.

I just about had a passive panic attack because on the way home from work, I realized that I had left the stove ON boiling some chicken. It was on very low heat, but our stove is gas and that means an open flame and I thought surely I had just burned down our home and 41 other units in our building.

Truly, this is what is feels like to lose one's mind. I have never done something like that before.

Thank you JESUS that I walked in to a very terrible burned chicken (and pan) smell, but no smoke or fire or damage.WOW.

I am thankful, but my heart is still beating quickly and I feel like an idiot.

So, I need intervention. Self soothing help. My plan did not work. What is next? Alcohol? Prayer and meditation? Both....?

At least my hubby comes home tonight. I hope he can have a calming effect on me. He might want to run the other direction when he takes in the terrible burnt smell and sees the nicely ruined pot.

Positives: Tomorrow is Friday. And now I am going to a run (and buy new chicken breasts for the dinner I was supposed to make). And I rescheduled at the spa for a massage on Monday. Even better, they are going to give it to me complimentary because they botched the scheduling. That pretty much makes it worth it! (AND, I still can't feel badly about the skirt, shirt and sunglasses I bought last night on BananaRepublic.com all on sale and with an additional 25% off).

Self Soothing Required

2010-08-25T19:23:00.006-04:00

To self soothe. Ahhh, what a catch phrase. I see this many times a day as I review, edit and write treatment plans; Skills such as self soothing are ones that we try to teach our youngsters and parents via community mental health.

We might practice relaxation techniques with a child. Belly breathing perhaps. Do you remember this from choir practice? I remember laying on the floor with a solo cup on my stomach. The idea is that the solo cup rises, because you breath deeply in your lungs so your stomach goes up. And so does the cup. A visual aid does wonders for a child, and adult. I still struggle with "belly breathing" but I am not afraid to lay on the floor of my office with a kiddo and mom to give it one more shot. Maybe my choir teacher lied to me. If so, I need to know before I continue this malarkey.

What about progressive muscle relaxation? Now, I have my drama teacher to thank for this one. I remember in middle school laying down on the floor (seems to be a theme) and "tightening and releasing" the muscles of the body, led by a dramatic narrative from our teacher. Then I took a high level psych class in graduate school (and paid a few thousand dollars) to learn that same exact thing. I even had to tape myself saying the narrative and turn it in for "review". Something I conquered in 7th grade cost me a pretty penny to have a PhD.D. professor listen to my voice on a cassette years later (maybe my parents can now feel good about private school education. Not the graduate school one, but the 7th grade one, ha).

Other self soothing: we might listen to music, help teenagers make lists, make self soothing boxes with lots of ideas of ways to calm down when upset, count to 10 (although I have had many a 10 year old say, "Ms. Heather, counting to 10 does NOT work! I need something new!", and who can blame hims and hers, that does sounds kinda lame!). Take a bubble bath. Snuggle with someone you love. Talk it out. Take a walk.

Don't: smoke marijuana, have aimless sex, self harm, yell at your mom, run out the house, get in a fight, etc, etc....

See there, you could now lead a skill building session on self soothing and even bill medicaid, if you can throw in some therapeutic words (and of course, actually provide the service).

While my day did NOT include this (read about my friend's Lacie's terrible day), it was quite horrible as well. I do not need to divulge all the gritty details, but yesterday and today were troubling for me at work and I felt real fear for my safety. To lose your peace of mind is priceless. This is a risk working with mentally ill people, but I've never felt directly threatened. I am working through it, to say the least.

God must have known it was going to be a rough week because on Monday (before all this happened) I booked a massage for this evening. My long run on Saturday left my body in bad shape and a pain in my upper buttocks (so proper) continued to ail me, so I thought that surely warranted a little sports massage. I mean I have to be in proper condition for the big race.

So, I left work early to decompress a bit and prepped for my big massage. I leisurely walk to the spa, enjoying the cooler weather, to show up at the desk to realize they don't have me booked and I cannot actually get the massage tonight. HUGE self soothing FAIL. What disappointment. How could a day get worse? I know it actually could, by lots of terrible things that really do matter, but at that moment the news that I would not be getting my ass worked by skilled hands really sent me into the dumps.

Self soothe resiliency action plan went into action. Go to the grocery store. Fix a plate from the "hot meal line" including one drummette of fried chicken, some Kraft type looking macaroni and cheese (ya know, bright orange "fake" cheese) and mashed potatoes. Pick up one slice of chocolate cake from the deli. Pick up sweet tea (hard to find in the North, but I got the full calorie kind in a bottle). One People style watch magazine. 2 DVDs from the Red box (I had to pick ones that are totally girly and lame and that Jonathan would never allow on the weekends).

Jonathan is away, which really stinks on a night like this, but I have my comfort food and DVDs to hopefully lighten my mood. Self soothing resiliency prevails! As well as, (I hope) a continued positive outlook for my life work and how to go about my day to day feeling safe and at peace. If only that were as simple as eating some comfort food and numbing the mind with some "rom com's" and magazines.

I have always bounced back. Cheers and optimism to that.
**********************************************************************************
P.S.- I just went on bananarepublic.com and they are having a sale. If you spend $100, then you get 25% off. Yikes. Now we are in trouble. Let's see, I didn't spend money on the massage so....

See, Jonathan, you really should have caught a flight home to rescue (or supervise) your wife from her misery. So she doesn't spend money in attempts to self soothe. A few lbs from carbohydrates are one things, but banana republic can do more lasting harm.

Training lessons

2010-08-16T20:08:00.003-04:00

I have never considered myself a runner. I still do not consider myself a runner. But I am slowly becoming one in some sort of fashion.

In June, I started training for a half marathon, which is coming up quickly on Labor Day weekend. It really has been amazing. I've never pushed myself in such a physical way. Scared of failure, I've never signed up for anything like this because I honestly thought there is no way I could actually do it. Well, I am doing it! And this is not to boast of myself, becuase it really has been quite humbling. I've learned a lot about training. Training my body and my mind and how this can relate to other disciplines in life.

I followed this plan for running each week and slowly building my mileage. The plan worked. While at the beginning 3 miles was all I could run, I ran 11 miles this past Saturday! Only a few more until the 13.1 for the race. And it's been fun. Not every run, but towards the end, as I've realized its working, it's been joyful and worth it. As I ran this past Saturday, I was thanking God for legs and a body to be able to do this, for health, for a beautiful city for run through (quite some scenery) and a partner and sister to share it with me. God is faithful. We often don't thank Him for the very things around us. For moments. But it is these moments that make up a lifetime. As cheesy as that sounds, I am learning this day in and day out.

The race analogies for the Christian life also make more sense. If we can discipline our flesh and mind, we can surely have more endurance in our spirit and for the work of God in this world. We do not disciple ourselves for no reason, but to sanctify ourselves and work towards eternal purposes.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore, I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave, so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize".
-I Corinthians 9:24-27.

Stalk much?

2010-07-27T20:49:00.003-04:00

So I was blog stalking this evening. Looking for inspiration. Bored with my own life, ready to read about others? Just a quite night at the DC home. Tuesdays tend to be the worst on the hubby gone front.

I came across this post. I do not know this writer, but I wish I did. I very much related. Pretty amazing that you can have fellowship and not even know someone.

Read this post, "Whisper Seekers".

I am there. Glad to know others are there as well.

Catch up.

2010-07-26T19:42:00.006-04:00

Hi.

It has been awhile. I have thought of you. I even wrote, but then never entered "publish". Just didn't feel inspired I suppose. Sometimes even I wrote and it felt depressing, and I didn't want to be debbie downer. And I haven't been depressed, so didn't want to reflect a mood that wasn't accurate.

Let's see how to catch you up. Everything has been good. Steady. Stable. Not too glamorous sounding? That is true. Not a complaint, though.

June was busy. I got to explore Pittsburgh for a work training. It wasn't great. I felt like I should have been in a sitcom. Something about being trapped in an industrial park hotel with co-workers and doing "self defense" (well, really it was termed comprehensive crisis management for the mentally ill). That sounds like I am mentally ill, and while I might have my moments, the purpose was to teach ME how to deal with crisis situations and then to go back to our agency and teach some "escape" moves. Like for example, if someone gets you on the ground, is punching you in the face, you thrust your hips up to maneuver them off. But what if the person is in between your legs, on top of you and punching you in the face? Ah ha, then you wrap your legs around their legs, spread their legs apart, THEN thrust your hips, unwrap one of your legs (for leverage) and then hoist the person off. Oh and of course, you should be screaming like hell for help. Always yell. I mean, it can't hurt, right? So, yes, I have some moves now. And I did have to practice this with my co-worker and we actually led the training for new hires at our agency last week. Hilarious? Yes. Luckily, I have learned the great and needed ability to laugh at myself. And to let others laugh at me (new hires watching my co-worker straddle me and I try to get him off?!).

So, June started out with Pittsburgh. It ended with Florida family vacation. We had a lovely time and truly felt off the radar from work and life here in the city. It felt nice to be with so much family. We are pretty isolated and independent up here with our life and work and just being together. Sometimes I forget that we are not alone and isolated, we have SO many people in our lives. They just don't happen to live super close. It was nice to feel known, loved, cared about to be around people who know me not from Community Connections and life here, but true "Heather" and "Jonathan". Sometimes, I forget that I have value for just being me. I don't have to "do" anything for value. It can be hard to remember when I feel like we continue to work, work, work. And work culture in general (everywhere) means you do something and that equals value. It was refreshing!

Now, its July. And June somehow feels far away. This past weekend we went to the beach boys concert at Wolftrap, a very cool, outdoor national park venue. It was blazing HOT. Like a heat index (which I don't really know what that means, but it sounds more dramatic) of 110. So, we are literally baking at the concert, but how can one be unhappy with the Beach Boys playing live and a full cooler of ice cold drinks? Growing up, I think the only CD my Dad owned was the Beach Boys greatest hits, so needless, to say we listened to it quite a lot. Good memories and nostalgia. And with a relaxed Jonathan and some good friends. As we were baking in the sun, it suddenly cooled off. Soon, it was POURING down rain with gusting winds and all. We were making a mad dash to the car, holding blankets, coolers, bags, it was hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in genuine joy in a long time. It was lovely. Organic joy from pouring rain, falling in the mud and sharing the moment with friends. I still feel joyful thinking about it.

I hope you all can find some joy like that this week. Even if it means mud on your clothes, an unplanned "wet t-shirt" party and some smeared mascara.

Hopefully, I will be back again. Sooner rather than later.

A few moments for increased self esteem...

2010-05-24T22:48:00.004-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

Ladies, we should all start our day like this lil' sweetheart!

choices. and being a woman.

2010-05-24T22:26:00.002-04:00

As I get closer to 30, "settle" into marriage with greater contentment and comfort, continue to pay the morgage, and gain quiet satisfaction with the mundane parts of life, I often struggle with questions of children, family, career and how to know the answer to so many unknowns. It feels like we are on the cusp of so many huge decisions and we are paralyzed because we don't even know how to start in such decisions. And we aren't super restless to end "life as we know it" either, so timing and knowing "when" kids might come into the scene are big questions. I was able to spend a weekend away with my dearest friends. Girls who I have literally grown up with from Orlando. We are now in all different cities, with careers, husbands and all the responsibilities of "grown up" life with dogs, bills, in-laws, etc. No kids yet in our "girl's group" though so I was comforted to hear my dear friends also struggling with such questions and not sure how to go forward and what that will look like in life. I am not alone!

Being a woman is complicated. I want to have a career. I love my job. I also want to be a great mom. So how does that work? Will it come to be if I am pregnant? Will it come to me if I see my baby born? Or do I try to work and see what that is like? Can I do it all? Is that what God wants for my family? Or do I pick one or the other? Or do I not try to figure it all out...Haha, probably!

A friend sent me this article and it truly hit home. I "know" this cognitively but it was a powerful reminder of the only satisfaction I will find.

The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness
Mary A. Kassian

Why are women so unhappy?
In 1963, Journalist and political activist Betty Friedan published a book that was the catalyst behind the women's movement in the United States. It was the book that "pulled the trigger on history." Friedan had conducted a questionnaire with the women gathered at her 15 year college reunion. She concluded that although these women were doing everything that society said would bring them happiness - that is, getting and staying married, staying home to raise kids, cooking meals and cleaning house, homemaking and home decorating, volunteering - that there were hints of dissatisfaction lingering beneath the surface of their picture-perfect lives. Her question was, "Why are women so unhappy?"

Friedan called the unhappiness of women "the problem that has no name." She pointed her finger at the male-female relationship and theorized that it was to blame. If only woman could leave the traditional role of homemaker behind, be educated and participate in the workplace on the same basis as man, be free to express herself sexually without any restraints, and have society free her from the burden of bearing and caring for children, THEN she would be happy. If woman could dictate the rules, then she and the whole of society would be much better off ... and woman's unhappiness would fade like a garishly patterned cotton drape under the touch of the summer sun.

"The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American women. It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and brownies, lay beside her husband at night - she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question - "Is this all?"...

If I am right, the problem that has no name stirring in the minds of so many American women today is not a matter of loss of femininity or too much education, or the demands of domesticity. It is far more important than anyone recognizes. It is the key to these other new and old problems which have been torturing women and their husbands and children, and puzzling their doctors and educators for years. It may well be the key to our future as a nation and a culture. We can no longer ignore that voice within women that says: "I want something more than my husband and my children and my home."

Women must stretch and stretch until their own efforts will tell them who they are. They will not need the regard of boy or man to feel alive. And when women do not need to live through their husbands and children... this may be the next step in human evolution.

Who know what women can be when they are finally free to become themselves?... It has barely begun, the search of women for themselves. But the time is at hand when the voices of the feminine mystique can no longer drown out the inner voice that is driving women on to become complete."
-Betty Friedan, 1963

All of Friedan's goals for women have been achieved. As Susan Etheridge, for the New York Times notes, "American women are wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were at that time. They're more likely to work outside the home, and more likely to earn salaries comparable to men's when they do. They can leave abusive marriages and sue sexist employers. They enjoy unprecedented control over their own fertility. On some fronts - graduation rates, life expectancy and even job security -men look increasingly like the second sex."

But ironically, feminism's quest for women's happiness has only resulted in a greater level of unhappiness for women. In the sixties, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of "the problem with no name," American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that statistic has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, while female happiness has declined. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women.

This is "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness," the subject of a provocative paper published earlier this month by economists Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers. The authors are perplexed about the incongruity between how much women's lives have objectively improved, and how happy they subjectively feel.

By most objective measures the lives of women in the United States have improved dramatically over the past 35 years. Moreover, women believe that their lives are better; in recent polls asking about changes in the status of women over the past 25 or 50 years, around four in five adults state that the overall status of women in the U.S. has gotten better.... Additionally, the 1999 Virginia Slims Poll found that 72% of women believe that "women having more choices in society today gives women more opportunities to be happy" while only 39% thought that having more choices "makes life more complicated for women." Finally, women today are more likely than men to believe that their opportunities to succeed exceed those of their parents.

Yet trends in self-reported subjective well-being indicate that happiness has shifted toward men and away from women. ... This finding of a decline in women's well-being relative to that of men raises questions about whether modern social constructs have made women worse off... Rather than immediately inferring that the women's movement failed to improve the lot of women, we conclude with ... alternative explanations of this paradox.

The authors begrudgingly admit that feminism could have something to do with the declining rates of happiness for women: "The changes brought about through the women's movement may have decreased women's happiness." But they argue that this is only because " The increased opportunity to succeed in many dimensions may have led to an increased likelihood of believing that one's life is not measuring up...Or women may simply find the complexity and increased pressure in their modern lives to have come at the cost of happiness." They also propose that women may now feel more comfortable being honest about their true happiness and have thus deflated their previously inflated responses. Or, that the increased opportunities available to women may have increased what women require to declare themselves happy.
In the end, they just scratch their heads about the whole thing. They can't understand why feminism didn't deliver the happiness it promised. It pumped its best medicine into woman's veins, but somehow, it just exacerbated the disease.

C.S. Lewis once said, "What does not satisfy when we find it, was not the thing we were desiring."

Feminism's attempt to increase the happiness of woman by having woman control and dictate the terms of her own happiness was doomed to fail.

"God designed the human machine to run on Himself. He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. That is why it is just no good asking God to make us happy in our own way without bothering about His ways. God cannot give us a happiness and peace aprt from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."Â (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Women can "stretch and stretch," but their own efforts will never "tell them who they are." The real paradox about female happiness is that though she might try, woman will never be able to make herself happy. Nor will men make woman happy. Nor will children, career, prominence, possessions, lifestyle...nor anything else that woman might strive after. Apart from a right relationship with God through Jesus Christ as the rock-solid foundation of joy, woman will never find what she is looking for. Without a vibrant personal relationship with Christ, she will forever ask herself Friedan's painful silent question - "Is this all?"

lighten up a bit.

2010-05-05T21:05:00.002-04:00

I "borrowed" this from my friend, Jonnali's blog,

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.
-Pablo Picasso

Then I read this,

Let's just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow in the decade to come. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I've done it; it's survivable.) While you're at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted—by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you—trust me—for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.

Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.

(from http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Elizabeth-Gilbert-on-Failure-and-Living-Well/2).

Ahhh. Then some "Sex and the City: the Movie", happened to be on HBO (this made me laugh). Then I ate the rest of the pizza from dinner, that I was supposed to not eat tonight and save for lunch. And that was from the dinner, that I went to by myself, because I felt sad and hungry. This dinner replaced my running workout that was originally planned. I left the office at 7pm, instead of 5pm (hence, while I felt sad and just went to eat pizza, alone...).

So yes, I work hard, I feel like I squeeze the hell out of life because I want it all...not material things (although that is hard too) but ABUNDANT life, from my career, to relationships, to self discovery, to my walk with Christ, etc, etc. I'm not satisfied often. I've always spun this as a good thing, but I realize it is also a downfall. One time in an argument with my dear hubby, he was complaining that I was never satisfied and I "pushed, pushed, pushed'...I had to agree. But argued, yes, but that is good, I always want us to be working on having a better, more happy, more fulfilled marriage. And then he was like, well, yes, but what if all your pushing really makes it harder to even be happy in the first place and then we lose something we had already?

Yeah...Yikes. Don't you hate those moments when someone "gets" you but you didn't want that to happen. I was content with my outlook on my "pushiness" and not asking for a new perspective.

So...trying to chill out, lighten up and slow down. I think growing up, my parents taught me the world is at my fingertips and that I am capable of anything. This has been great. Really. I am confident and determined and want a lot out of everything, as noted. BUT what if I just need to slow down and not PANIC to think about, "what if I don't want to whole world but just what's right here?", or "what if I don't want to be everything and anything, but just who I am right now?....But then I feel conflicted between all the opportunity, choices and LIFE out there and I can't sit still, be calm and just BE.

Help!

More Life.

2010-04-18T20:20:00.001-04:00

My "African Dad", the man of the couple that I lived with in Kenya, almost 8 year ago, passed away. At his memorial service, one of the speakers said, where he is today is actually more real than where we are right now in this time and life. I liked that. While I thought about titling this post, "loss...and life". I decided on "more life". Because I do believe that on the "other side" it is more "real" than where we are now and our reality (which to us seems as real as can be) is really temporary and so messed up. Yet, since we are on this side of Heaven and eternity, we can't grasp it. We miss people who leave. But our missing is temporary. Time is funny. I hope I can maintain a perspective of this life, time slipping by, but meaning that I am closer to eternity, to "realness" and to use this life and days to be the hands and feet of Jesus. What else matters?

I haven't written much lately. I think its because I haven't felt "moved" by anything. Nothing has really "grabbed" me and shaken me, taken me, enlightened me, etc. Maybe its been my state. Perhaps, not open to new things? Or thoughts? Or convictions? Quite possible. Sometimes I feel hard to things. Other times like a permeable membrane, perhaps too open to everything thing/thought/idea passing my way. Both can be exhausting.

However, the passing of Dad Howell has "got" me. As a 20 year old college student, 8 years ago, the Lord was really turning my world upside down with my faith and bringing me to a new level. Shattering ideas I had or my view of faith...Showing me God worked in ways beyond my imagination, belief and reality. I had the conviction/leading/thought that I was going to go abroad somewhere in the summer. But not with a Christian group, or club. I didn't know what but presentations at FCA or Campus Crusade about mission trips abroad didn't feel "right". I waited. Then, my dear friends, Lauren and Caleb, went to a full gospel business men's luncheon in Gainesville. We had met a network of believers in Gainesville who believed in the fullness of the Holy Spirit and had an active ministry reaching out the the homeless, college student, suburban mom, to all in the community. Well, at this luncheon, two American missionaries were sharing about their ministry in Kenya. Meet Mom and Dad Howell. So, Lauren comes home to tell me about them, and we both "know" that this is it. This is my summer. I email the Howell's and through a series of emails and phone calls (and convincing of my parents- who as you can understand were not quite sure about me going to Kenya with two people I had never met, nor them, all alone, etc, etc), I am heading to Kenya, not knowing what to expect, but confident that God was leading me there and this was about to change my life, faith and well, me.

I get off the airplane in Nairobi, alone, unsure of what to expect, who I would meet and starting to think I might be insane, yet also excited and full of anticipation, and see Mom and Dad Howell in a huge crowd of Africans, holding up a sign with my name on it! From that moment, they felt like family. I spent the summer living with them, sharing life, watching, learning, absorbing and experiencing. That was my seminary. I wrestled with God each night in bed at all that was happening around me. Mom and Dad Howell loved me like a daughter. I've never seen such generosity, hospitality and the raw love of Christ. Talk about literally being the hands and feet of Jesus. Like there is no other purpose or reason to live. Whether we were traveling to have a crusade type ministry up in the rural mountains in Kenya, or we were in the slums of Nairobi, when I woke up in the morning, people were in the home, around the table, being served coffee by Mom, talking, sharing ,praying. Their ministry was loving people, sharing life, being with others. Meeting their needs through praying, loving, and again, being. They didn't have an orphanage or a big ministry in the US supporting them. But they had huge faith and faith that humans can't understand. When we would be getting low on groceries (and funds), we packed up the cabinets and delivered food to neighbors down the way, who were hungry. We'd pray for God's provision. In the morning, waiting at our door, was a bag of fresh vegetables, milk, eggs. I literally saw God provide. Not figuratively, but in the form of potatoes in a sack and even once a live chicken. Really?! Yes. I get chill bumps thinking about it because it was so real. God's presence was so tangible, it was thick in the air.

I could speak and tell of the miracles I saw in Kenya. Miracles like the blind seeing, the lame walking, and spirits being cast out. Yes, they were incredible. But miracles like loving a neighbor, showing hospitality to the unwanted, hugs to the smelly, and friendship to children were vast, all demonstrations of our Lord's love and friendship to His creation and kids. I don't think one miracle is better than another. Beyond a particular miracle, Mom and Dad Howell's passion for living life for eternal purposes has forever changed my life. While I'm not sure how to be "in but not of" this world, as I think they have been in their life, I know God has stretched my heart and ability to minister, love and have the Holy Spirit work through me (despite me) because of their example. I am different. Forever.

Throughout the past 8 years, Mom and Dad Howell have been in my life. They pray for me, advocate for me, call me, love me and encourage me. I remember seeing Dad (in the US) a few months after we'd gotten married. I felt down and some of the hardships of newly wedded "bliss" were heavy on my mind. I will always remember Dad listening but then saying, "Heather, when will I hear of your victories?" When would I claim and live the abundant life in which Christ died on the cross for me to live? Would I live my life in vain of all my Lord did for me on the cross?

Dad Howell preached this message to poor Africans in the hills of Kenya. To the Masai. In other places around the world. To his family and children (much who thought he was just a little too "extreme"). And to me, a 20 year old searching for the fullness of God but unsure of what that meant and scared to "see" because then I knew it was "no turning back". And throughout the past 8 years, as I've struggled, questioned, tried to "run back" but the promises of God keeping me...to give VICTORIES in Christ. Over this world. Over the Evil One. Over my flesh. And as I continue to run this race, full of obstacles, my own flesh, and this world which entices my every sense, I look towards Heaven. Towards MORE than this life. Because Jesus died for such life. Here and in life to come.

I am thankful to God for Mom and Dad Howell. As Dad Howell rests, his work in the name of Jesus continues because Kingdom work continues beyond our time here and I am confident that people will still be moved, changed and loved through Christ because of Dad Howell. In Africa. In Texas (where they are from) and wherever this gal shall go.

Then I heard a voice from heaven say, "Write: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on." "Yes," says the Spirit, "they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them". -Revelation 14:13

Mama T.

2010-02-16T21:08:00.002-05:00

I mean, Mother Teresa.

We've all heard of her and seen pictures of her with orphans surrounding her, right? But have you ever read anything she has wrote? Or really "heard" what she said?

I am blown away by some quotes, so I thought I'd share. My day was intense. The world of social work and counseling can be unforgiving and take, take, take...To fill myself up I was looking for some inspiration and "Mama T" shed the love and grace of God with her words (reflective of God) to my weary heart.

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus.

Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.

I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.

The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it.

We can do no great things, only small things with great love.

Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action.

They are all so simple yet I miss it everyday. Lord, help me simplify. Help me love. Give me grace. Love. Love. Love. And then some more. More patience. More smiles. Less irritation. Kindness. Not because it is given to me by a person, but because it has been given to me by You. That is all I need. There is no reason to not EVER be kind. Help me. To not get so tired. To keep going. In Your name. For Your glory. Because each of "them" is you, your child, your world. So broken. So dirty. So weak. As am I. I do not come from a lofty place where I cannot relate. I am as low as anyone. Let me not think highly of myself. I am nothing. A dust in the wind. Yet I have hands, a smile, my time, my life, to give, to be with, to share. Not to judge. Not to look down on. Not to condone. Love.Love.Love. That's it. From my home and family to every home I go into for work or person I meet on the street.

and I continue to learn (lingering effects of a snowstorm).

2010-02-12T20:46:00.006-05:00

I have learned to be still. To slow down. That life CAN slow down. Things to do aren't really THAT important. If they don't get done, it's really okay. I don't have to do, check things off, and stay on schedule.

DC is a busy place. Even though I consider myself having a lot "to do" in this city, I probably fall on like the lower 90th percentile of busy people. To get a double date with couple friends, often we must plan months in advance. People have things every night whether its a kickball league, a happy hour, a book club, or something with work, most people don't have many free nights. Plus, people work A LOT. I've learn to "protect" my time in the evenings. That most nights I prefer to come home, have dinner, maybe go to the gym, and be alone. And that is okay. I like it. Yes, I wish Jonathan was here to "do not much" alongside me. But for the most part, I'm content.

However, the snow storm still "slowed" me down. So thank you, snow. Thank you, DC, for being so slow and helpless to remove the snow. Part of me feels like I "lost" a week of my life. But then the other half realizes that a huge part of me is "lost" in the normal week of stress, to do's and long days of obligations.

My commute to work was quite stressful for many reasons (and took 2.5 hours)...As I metroed with the masses, which can induce panic, I tried to remain in my "slow" state of mind and realize that, I haven't been to work all week, if I am two hours late, its not really that big of a deal.

Bethany Dillon's "I am Yours" helped me start the day right despite the huge barrier of metro enabling me to transport in a timely manner. I love Bethany's lyrics, they always speak to me "right where I am". Sometimes praise songs are too "lofty" for me on a Friday, hellish way to work. Ya know?

I am Yours (listen here)

Every darkened crevice
Every hidden place
Every secret that’s inside of me
Though I run from You
I don’t get very far
In my weakness You speak tenderly

You heal this heart of stone
I am not my own

I am Yours....

How can I resist a perfect love like this?
It’s like sunshine and the smell of spring
When I’m covered in Your forgiveness
God, it’s overwhelming

You have called me out of shadows....
Out of darkness into light....
Hemmed in by the hands of mercy....
I’m completely satisfied

*PS: there might be MORE lessons learned. Yes, being "still" for a week and having my head and heart so open and free means I am still processing many thoughts.....sometimes I wish I could shut "them" out too. Maybe that is why I throw myself into work and others most of the time? So I can't hear myself (and God). Hmmm. Interesting, Dr. Freud.

Things to do in a continuing Snow Storm.

2010-02-10T11:32:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm still here. And it's still snowing. I went into work yesterday and one thing a snow storm is "good" for is appreciating WORK and being out of the home for a few hours.

Here are some contemplations and things to do if stuck inside while its blizzarding:

-Watch tivoed episodes of "Oprah". I am learning a lot. Geisha's, nuns, sexual predators...this is a fine education! For example, Geisha means "art" and unlike the myths I had believed, sexual favors are not apart of being a geisha. That is an insult to those who practice this art and lifestyle. Moving on to nuns, did you know that their "frock" is symbolic of a wedding dress? Because they are married to Christ! I didn't know that. One young nun (with a sense of humor, I might add) said that being married to Jesus is hard because if the relationship starts to go downhill, she knows its her fault! I actually laughed. And ya know, isn't that true? He never leaves me. I just choose to distance myself from Him sometimes. But wow, vows of celibacy, poverty and obedience. No make up, tweezers, hair styles....I know we are not supposed to be completely indulgent, but I do take joy in a new outfit and having my hair "did".

-Oh and sexual predators, wow. GREAT episode. I've worked with sexual predators in therapy and lots of people who are survivors of sexual abuse and I loved the information shared to clear up ideas of how sexual abuse takes place and myths that victims BELIEVE. It was a powerful episode. I won't go into much more details, because I am always "that" girl who suddenly brings up sexual abuse at happy hour and all of the sudden, everyone is like, ddoooo duuuuu (i need a sound effect), here is "Debbie downer". Ha ha. That is why I LOVE and NEED my social worker friends, our happy hours are full of such "peppy" but honest and tough conversation (and venting and support). It can be lonely to be so fully aware of the suffering, pain, unfair and disgusting things that happen in the world....hence, why I often like to "bust" the bubble of happy, go lucky happy hours :) Ha. I am kinda joking. And my job effects my personality and self in every way possible. I can't leave "untouched", nor would I want too.

Check it out. I think it's important. Link is here.

- Eating pie for breakfast. Because I am very sick of cereal (this has been the staple of my "snow" diet for the past 5 days) and one of our favorite restaurants was open on my trudge home from the metro last night, so I picked up two pieces of pie to go. One for last night, and one for breakfast. So I have on my fleece polka dot pj's, favorite ugg slippers (bday present from Jonathan and new must have for winter!), hot coffee, and blueberry pie. Yum.

-I'm very glad my sister lives so close. We trudged (I've already used this word but there really is not a better way to describe it) to the gym on Monday, during its window of being open, to get out our antsyness and then went to several grocery stores to try to find some food. The shelves are pretty bare and there weren't many fresh veggies/meat to buy...But I managed to stock up on cereal, milk and some bread. PB and J's. Cereal. Frozen Pizza. Canned soups. Beer. Wine. Coffee. Crystal light pink lemonade. These are things one eats during multiple snow storms.

-Go to lots of websites and get caught up on all kinds of gossip, blogs, some meaningful and some meaningless. For example, check out this one for all kinds of Bachelor spoilers and commentary. I think its hilarious!! Especially the part about Vienna and Florida....She is from the same town, Sanford, that my mother grew up in, and her boat right with alligators and turtles is so FLORIDA. I laughed and at this guy, reality Steve's, commentary. I've always been a sucker for the show because of the entertainment factor even though I think its unrealistic and completely demoralizing for women. However, in college, we had a personal link to the Bachelor (Jesse Palmer, who used to live in Jonathan's apartment and his secret friend, Jenny, who was on the show and the cousin of my best friend, Lauren) and on this round, Corrie, went to my high school. And Corrie was awesome! Even though I know her big sister much better, I was proud. So that kinda justifies it, right?

-Movies. So far I've watched Coraline (cute), The Proposal (much better than i was expecting!), The Class (foreign and good), Revolutionary Road (again, i love it, but most people think its depressing), Yes Man (i liked the message and laughed)....

-TV shows. Well, I already admitted that I watch the Bachelor. I really don't get "into" many shows. Never watched Lost, or 24, or other cult favorites. I have been known to tivo, "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and a new series I just saw for the first time, "Life Unexpected". Pretty good, too. Ever seen them? And Gossip Girl is a completely guilty pleasure that I would put up there with the Bachelor. Eek. I wonder now that I am 28 if I should start watching shows that focus more on adults living actual realistic lives instead of teenagers? Hmm. I just can't get into them...I am drawn to "Criminal Minds" and "Intervention" but I don't think that will help me with my "happy hour social skills" deficits.

Well, now that I've confessed my activities for the past several days, I think I should read, do work and try to "revive" the brain cells that I've neglected or let die. I will keep you posted.

Happy snow day. Or sun day. Or humid day with limitless sunshine (if you are a beloved Florida relative or friend). Or just a regular Wednesday.

Snowtorious B.I.G.

2010-02-06T18:57:00.002-05:00

I love the snow! Winter Wonderland in our backyard.
Car is officially buried.
Scene of the big snowball fight.
Jonathan showing his skill in snowball launching.
Dupont Circle Snowball fight.

The title is one name I've heard DCer's calling this Blizzard in 2010 and it made me laugh. So there you go.

We ventured out of the house to check out a huge snowball fight at Dupont Circle organized via Twitter and Facebook. It was quite a scene. They predicted about 4,000 people were in attendance launching snow balls amidst the scenic fountain and landmark.

I like that DC has spunk in a snow storm. I guess its because we are lucky enough to live close enough to walk to places that remain open for people similar to us, one Starbucks was open with a line out the door and the few bars/restaurants open were packed. There is no way you could drive anywhere. See the picture with our car. Well, you can't really tell its a car. I'm not sure how we will dig out because I don't know where the snow will go! DC is supposed to have below freezing temps this upcoming week, so it won't be melting. It shall be interesting! Maybe Jonathan will be trapped here and be here all week. That sounds fun.

With all this snow, I can't help but be awed by its beauty. It's blinding when you go outside because its so white and the sun's reflection is bright. Upon returning to the condo, it takes our eyes a bit to adjust.

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow"
-Isaiah 1:18b

As the snow covers dirty streets, old cars parked along the side, and unkempt gardens to make any place full of beauty, the blood of Christ also covers us to give us such spotlessness, amidst our ugliness, depravity and utter sinfulness. I am thankful for such a powerful reminder and image through our snow covered city. Happy Saturday.

Jesus.

2010-02-03T19:17:00.003-05:00

My faith has changed over the years. I can't really wrap my head around it. But I am okay with that. The Lord has used so many different kinds of experiences to make me know Him more. And my idea of Him and how I relate to Him and interpret Him and live my life for Him constantly changes as well.

I don't think we are supposed to know all the answers and sometimes I get frustrated when Christians and theologians ask questions and sit around talking about things that I don't think God intends us to know and that we never WILL know, so why waste time talking about them and trying to figure it out? Isn't it more effective as the church and God's hands and feet on earth to DO things for His Kingdom, rather than THINK about them?

" For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God"...."The Lord knows the thoughts of the wise , that they are futile" I Corinthians 3:19.

We are all fools. Seriously. As I realize my own foolishness, I often search for things I can know and confirm. In a culture where social justice is becoming a politically correct cause, where I am surrounded by really, really good and hardworking and the best intentioned people who give their lives to help people, and a society in which the "grey" areas are becoming absolutes (so there are not any absolutes) I often find myself sliding down a slippery slope and not sure where to stop and catch myself (and if I want to ). Do I really believe? Can I really take a stand? What about all of this grey? What is true?

This being said, I read the following and I needed it. Sometimes, because I am so "in" this world I start to become *of* the world, yet the Lord is good to always bring me back to Him and the truth. My identity in Christ is always there even if I am not mindful of it 100% of the time. I am grateful to be in this place in life, not under the church doors, not surrounded by Christians and people "like" me, because I am being challenged more than ever before. Stretched. Grown. I have to decide things and stand up for beliefs despite opposition. It's not the "cool" thing and come on, even as adults, we have peer pressure. I remember writing this quote in my journal as a middle schooler, "Some people love to dwell near church with choir and steeple bell. But I want to run a rescue station a yard from the gates of Hell," (missionary, CT Studd). Maybe I knew a legalistic, southern baptist church bubble without any kind of diversityand "real world" wouldn't last for long and God was moving me. It's funny because if I would have had it my way I would have continued my desired "bubble" into college. Instead the Lord yanked that "dream" away from me and put me at the University of Florida, which was not where I had imagined myself for billions of reasons. That is another story, but God is faithful and I'm glad He is in charge of my life and not me.

So here it is.... A powerful reminder of all we have in Jesus.

A Jesus Manifesto for the 21st Century Church

by Leonard Sweet and Frank Viola

Christians have made the gospel about so many things … things other than Christ.

Jesus Christ is the gravitational pull that brings everything together and gives them significance, reality, and meaning. Without him, all things lose their value. Without him, all things are but detached pieces floating around in space.

It is possible to emphasize a spiritual truth, value, virtue, or gift, yet miss Christ . . . who is the embodiment and incarnation of all spiritual truth, values, virtues, and gifts.

Seek a truth, a value, a virtue, or a spiritual gift, and you have obtained something dead.

Seek Christ, embrace Christ, know Christ, and you have touched him who is Life. And in him resides all Truth, Values, Virtues and Gifts in living color. Beauty has its meaning in the beauty of Christ, in whom is found all that makes us lovely and loveable.

What is Christianity? It is Christ. Nothing more. Nothing less. Christianity is not an ideology. Christianity is not a philosophy. Christianity is the “good news” that Beauty, Truth and Goodness are found in a person. Biblical community is founded and found on the connection to that person. Conversion is more than a change in direction; it’s a change in connection. Jesus’ use of the ancient Hebrew word shubh, or its Aramaic equivalent, to call for “repentance” implies not viewing God from a distance, but entering into a relationship where God is command central of the human connection.

In that regard, we feel a massive disconnection in the church today. Thus this manifesto.

We believe that the major disease of the church today is JDD: Jesus Deficit Disorder. The person of Jesus is increasingly politically incorrect, and is being replaced by the language of “justice,” “the kingdom of God,” “values,” and “leadership principles.”

In this hour, the testimony that we feel God has called us to bear centers on the primacy of the Lord Jesus Christ. Specifically . . .

1. The center and circumference of the Christian life is none other than the person of Christ. All other things, including things related to him and about him, are eclipsed by the sight of his peerless worth. Knowing Christ is Eternal Life. And knowing him profoundly, deeply, and in reality, as well as experiencing his unsearchable riches, is the chief pursuit of our lives, as it was for the first Christians. God is not so much about fixing things that have gone wrong in our lives as finding us in our brokenness and giving us Christ.

2. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his teachings. Aristotle says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Socrates says to his disciples, “Follow my teachings.” Buddha says to his disciples, “Follow my meditations.” Confucius says to his disciples, “Follow my sayings.” Muhammad says to his disciples, “Follow my noble pillars.” Jesus says to his disciples, “Follow me.” In all other religions, a follower can follow the teachings of its founder without having a relationship with that founder. Not so with Jesus Christ. The teachings of Jesus cannot be separated from Jesus himself. Jesus Christ is still alive and he embodies his teachings. It is a profound mistake, therefore, to treat Christ as simply the founder of a set of moral, ethical, or social teaching. The Lord Jesus and his teaching are one. The Medium and the Message are One. Christ is the incarnation of the Kingdom of God and the Sermon on the Mount.

3. God’s grand mission and eternal purpose in the earth and in heaven centers in Christ . . . both the individual Christ (the Head) and the corporate Christ (the Body). This universe is moving towards one final goal – the fullness of Christ where He shall fill all things with himself. To be truly missional, then, means constructing one’s life and ministry on Christ. He is both the heart and bloodstream of God’s plan. To miss this is to miss the plot; indeed, it is to miss everything.

4. Being a follower of Jesus does not involve imitation so much as it does implantation and impartation. Incarnation–the notion that God connects to us in baby form and human touch—is the most shocking doctrine of the Christian religion. The incarnation is both once-and-for-all and ongoing, as the One “who was and is to come” now is and lives his resurrection life in and through us. Incarnation doesn’t just apply to Jesus; it applies to every one of us. Of course, not in the same sacramental way. But close. We have been given God’s “Spirit” which makes Christ “real” in our lives. We have been made, as Peter puts it, “partakers of the divine nature.” How, then, in the face of so great a truth can we ask for toys and trinkets? How can we lust after lesser gifts and itch for religious and spiritual thingys? We’ve been touched from on high by the fires of the Almighty and given divine life. A life that has passed through death – the very resurrection life of the Son of God himself. How can we not be fired up?

To put it in a question: What was the engine, or the accelerator, of the Lord’s amazing life? What was the taproot or the headwaters of his outward behavior? It was this: Jesus lived by an indwelling Father. After his resurrection, the passage has now moved. What God the Father was to Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ is to you and to me. He’s our indwelling Presence, and we share in the life of Jesus’ own relationship with the Father. There is a vast ocean of difference between trying to compel Christians to imitate Jesus and learning how to impart an implanted Christ. The former only ends up in failure and frustration. The latter is the gateway to life and joy in our daying and our dying. We stand with Paul: “Christ lives in me.” Our life is Christ. In him do we live, breathe, and have our being. “What would Jesus do?” is not Christianity. Christianity asks: “What is Christ doing through me … through us? And how is Jesus doing it?” Following Jesus means “trust and obey” (respond), and living by his indwelling life through the power of the Spirit.

5. The “Jesus of history” cannot be disconnected from the “Christ of faith.” The Jesus who walked the shores of Galilee is the same person who indwells the church today. There is no disconnect between the Jesus of Mark’s Gospel and the incredible, all-inclusive, cosmic Christ of Paul’s letter to the Colossians. The Christ who lived in the first century has a pre-existence before time. He also has a post-existence after time. He is Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End, A and Z, all at the same time. He stands in the future and at the end of time at the same moment that He indwells every child of God. Failure to embrace these paradoxical truths has created monumental problems and has diminished the greatness of Christ in the eyes of God’s people.

6. It’s possible to confuse “the cause” of Christ with the person of Christ. When the early church said “Jesus is Lord,” they did not mean “Jesus is my core value.” Jesus isn’t a cause; he is a real and living person who can be known, loved, experienced, enthroned and embodied. Focusing on his cause or mission doesn’t equate focusing on or following him. It’s all too possible to serve “the god” of serving Jesus as opposed to serving him out of an enraptured heart that’s been captivated by his irresistible beauty and unfathomable love. Jesus led us to think of God differently, as relationship, as the God of all relationship.

7. Jesus Christ was not a social activist nor a moral philosopher. To pitch him that way is to drain his glory and dilute his excellence. Justice apart from Christ is a dead thing. The only battering ram that can storm the gates of hell is not the cry of Justice, but the name of Jesus. Jesus Christ is the embodiment of Justice, Peace, Holiness, Righteousness. He is the sum of all spiritual things, the “strange attractor” of the cosmos. When Jesus becomes an abstraction, faith loses its reproductive power. Jesus did not come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people live.

8. It is possible to confuse an academic knowledge or theology about Jesus with a personal knowledge of the living Christ himself. These two stand as far apart as do the hundred thousand million galaxies. The fullness of Christ can never be accessed through the frontal lobe alone. Christian faith claims to be rational, but also to reach out to touch ultimate mysteries. The cure for a big head is a big heart.

Jesus does not leave his disciples with CliffsNotes for a systematic theology. He leaves his disciples with breath and body.

Jesus does not leave his disciples with a coherent and clear belief system by which to love God and others. Jesus gives his disciples wounds to touch and hands to heal.

Jesus does not leave his disciples with intellectual belief or a “Christian worldview.” He leaves his disciples with a relational faith.

Christians don’t follow a book. Christians follow a person, and this library of divinely inspired books we call “The Holy Bible” best help us follow that person. The Written Word is a map that leads us to The Living Word. Or as Jesus himself put it, “All Scripture testifies of me.” The Bible is not the destination; it’s a compass that points to Christ, heaven’s North Star.

The Bible does not offer a plan or a blueprint for living. The “good news” was not a new set of laws, or a new set of ethical injunctions, or a new and better PLAN. The “good news” was the story of a person’s life, as reflected in The Apostle’s Creed. The Mystery of Faith proclaims this narrative: “Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.” The meaning of Christianity does not come from allegiance to complex theological doctrines, but a passionate love for a way of living in the world that revolves around following Jesus, who taught that love is what makes life a success . . . not wealth or health or anything else: but love. And God is love.

9. Only Jesus can transfix and then transfigure the void at the heart of the church. Jesus Christ cannot be separated from his church. While Jesus is distinct from his Bride, he is not separate from her. She is in fact his very own Body in the earth. God has chosen to vest all of power, authority, and life in the living Christ. And God in Christ is only known fully in and through his church. (As Paul said, “The manifold wisdom of God – which is Christ – is known through the ekklesia.”)

The Christian life, therefore, is not an individual pursuit. It’s a corporate journey. Knowing Christ and making him known is not an individual prospect. Those who insist on flying life solo will be brought to earth, with a crash. Thus Christ and his church are intimately joined and connected. What God has joined together, let no person put asunder. We were made for life with God; our only happiness is found in life with God. And God’s own pleasure and delight is found therein as well.

10. In a world which sings, “Oh, who is this Jesus?” and a church which sings, “Oh, let’s all be like Jesus,” who will sing with lungs of leather, “Oh, how we love Jesus!”

If Jesus could rise from the dead, we can at least rise from our bed, get off our couches and pews, and respond to the Lord’s resurrection life within us, joining Jesus in what he’s up to in the world. We call on others to join us—not in removing ourselves from planet Earth, but to plant our feet more firmly on the Earth while our spirits soar in the heavens of God’s pleasure and purpose. We are not of this world, but we live in this world for the Lord’s rights and interests. We, collectively, as the ekklesia of God, are Christ in and to this world.

May God have a people on this earth who are a people of Christ, through Christ, and for Christ. A people of the cross. A people who are consumed with God’s eternal passion, which is to make his Son preeminent, supreme, and the head over all things visible and invisible. A people who have discovered the touch of the Almighty in the face of his glorious Son. A people who wish to know only Christ and him crucified, and to let everything else fall by the wayside. A people who are laying hold of his depths, discovering his riches, touching his life, and receiving his love, and making HIM in all of his unfathomable glory known to others.

The two of us may disagree about many things—be they ecclesiology, eschatology, soteriology, not to mention economics, globalism and politics.

But in our two most recent books—From Eternity to Here and So Beautiful—we have sounded forth a united trumpet. These books are the Manifests to this Manifesto. They each present the vision that has captured our hearts and that we wish to impart to the Body of Christ— “This ONE THING I know” (Jn.9:25) that is the ONE THING that unites us all:

Jesus the Christ.

Christians don’t follow Christianity; Christians follow Christ.

Christians don’t preach themselves; Christians proclaim Christ.

Christians don’t point people to core values; Christians point people to the cross.

Christians don’t preach about Christ: Christians preach Christ.

Over 300 years ago a German pastor wrote a hymn that built around the Name above all names:

Ask ye what great thing I know, that delights and stirs me so?
What the high reward I win? Whose the name I glory in?
Jesus Christ, the crucified.

This is that great thing I know; this delights and stirs me so:
faith in him who died to save, His who triumphed o’er the grave:
Jesus Christ, the crucified.

—

Jesus Christ – the crucified, resurrected, enthroned, triumphant, living Lord.

He is our Pursuit, our Passion, and our Life.

Amen.

"Just one of those days...

2010-01-21T22:41:00.003-05:00

That a girl goes through when she's angry inside, don't let her take it out on you...."

Who else can sing the lyrics and melody of that song by Monica from back in the day?

If my day had a theme song that should be it. I have the tune in my head tormenting me further.

Without getting into too many details about the entire day (because I can't really handle to hash it out totally but need a little vent) as I was leaving work, I was panicked because I couldn't find my keys. I had my "work" keys that I keep separately on my security badge and lanyard around my neck. But my car key, house keys, gym card/grocery discount card ring was MIA and not in my red tote, which is the only place they should be since parking my car at 8am this morning. I panic tearing apart my desk, crawling on the floor to see if they fell, examining my coat to see if there was holes in the pockets, emailing the entire building (who had already left for the day) to say "Lost keys! Please help", calling the building management company to bug them, interrupting the cleaning crew and trying to remember my Spanish to ask them if they found any keys, probably acting a little "too" panicked around my boss, who noticed that I was frantic as she left for the day...I hate that feeling of losing something and like I am losing my mind! Oh it gets better...So I walk to my car, which is parked about 6 blocks away on the street in Southeast DC. I am scouring the sidewalks and roads thinking they feel but also knowing that its unlikely they would still be there 8+hours. I am being mean to Jonathan as I talk to him on the phone. Get to my car and oh wow, it's unlocked! And the keys are sitting on the front seat in plain vision, like they had been all day. So, #1, I feel like the biggest idiot and that I AM IN FACT losing my mind. And #2, Thank God that somehow angels were watching my car all day. WHAT IN THE WORLD?! DC is one of the biggest cities for car theft. But I guess the thieves enjoy breaking windows and jigging engines because apparently an unlocked door with keys just waiting for you isn't any fun!

So that is where I am at. I talked about having perspective in comparison to what the people are dealing with in Haiti yesterday (or some day I can't even remember) and today I feel like my brain is at total capacity that I can't even lock my car correctly and then forget about it and panicky and alert the entire work place that I have indeed lost it and no one should have entrusted me with this new job in the first place because clearly someone who is crazy and losing keys (or not even losing but leaving them out to be stolen!) should not have this type of responsibility!!

Oh and yesterday...I just hit the car in front of my driving to work. Like Oh I should have stopped but I will just hit you. Like a bumper car. It wasn't hard and very minimal damage, but it happened and I didn't even realize it. Delayed reaction, oh I just hit that car, awesome, pull over, oh happy Wednesday drive to work. Just run into people. And I wasn't even talking on the phone or texting or fiddling with the radio. I was concentrating. And I still just bumped the poor lady.

Ahhhhh.....I should find a bible verse about peace in the storm or something but it doesn't even feel like a "storm" but that this is life and I can't take it. Oh I need MORE of God's sustainment, grace and refreshment.

Thanks friends. I feel better. Needed to vent and attempt to laugh at myself. Not laughing yet though.

Haiti.

2010-01-19T20:50:00.003-05:00

I can't get away from Haiti and the sadness of the natural disaster and the suffering of so many there now. I have heard that Haitian people are some of the most kind, lovely and giving. Have you seen the outpourings of faith as people realize their home, country and land has been devastated? Parades with people singing hymns, praising God admist the terror.

My friend, Julie, has lived in Haiti for the past year or so and her life has been forever changed from last week's earthquake. She is safe thankfully but please check out her blog for first hand accounts and amazing stories (she is a great story teller). Although I am sad that Julie had to experience such tragedy, I know she will make good out of it. She is a mover and a shaker for change and improvement. Many prayers and much love to her and the Haitian people.

I hope it's a little harder to complain and mumble about your situation/daily gripings/ill contentedness in awareness of the hurt and pain and loss in Haiti. Watch CNN for like an hour and it's a perspective changer. I hope I can hang onto this outlook and remember....

"But in all things we commend ourselves as ministers of God: in much patience, in tribulations, in needs, in distresses, in stripes,in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in fastings, by purity, by knowledge, by longsuffering, by kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love, by the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armor of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, by honor and dishonor, by evil report and good report; as decievers, and yet true: as unknown and yet well known; as dying, and behold we live; as chastened and yet not killed; as sorrowful yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing and yet possessing all things." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10

Hey There 2010.

2010-01-13T18:52:00.003-05:00

2010 has been a whirlwind thus far. A pretty good one at that.

It began with great anxiety as I prepared for my national counseling examination, the last stage in a few year process to be licensed in DC as a professional counselor. This is THE goal following graduate school and it's been a pain in the a**. But I have perservered. And my husband has perservered with me (I'm sure he has gotten the brunt of my stress and unpleasantness).

As of January 5th, 2010, my career as a counselor has officially began. Yes, I've been doing counseling and mental health work for some time now, but now I work under my own license, can bill insurance and it allows me to do a lot more in general in the field.

Along with my license came a nice new job position at work. This has been transitioning since last June, but as of last week I took over my own team to supervise and lead 6 awesome, great people. The Lively team is born!

Hence the whirlwind. My feet didn't touch the ground a few days after my test, but they quickly came down as I have been completely overwhelmed at the responsibility, tasks and challenges for this new role. Now I feel like I can't find my legs underneath me. I have to tell myself, "walk, think, talk, you can do this"!

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE this new role. The people I am working with are amazing and have been so supportive of me through out the process. My team has believed in me from the beginning and that feels undeserved, but I am grateful. I am energized, motivated and can't keep my thoughts from racing...My struggle is figuring out how to do this all at once. I realize I know so LITTLE and the learning curve is straight up. If I could soak it up quicker, I would...Each day my brain feels saturated yet there is so much MORE to do, learn, lead, think, understand, experience....

I give God all the thanks for this new opportunity. My prayer is that I will pour into the people I work with as I have the families and kids I have in the past. While I lack experience, I hope to make up in spirit and effort. I am merely a vessel...it just looks different in this new place and position.

Anyone else ever feel like the learning curve is straight up and you are just grasping to hold on?

Grace...Grace....Grace....I am humbled.

Hope 2010 is off to a good start for you, too.

SNOW in DC.

2009-12-19T11:26:00.004-05:00

It's the Saturday before Christmas and a white blanket of SNOW is covering the District. Amazing. I am hesitant to leave for a Florida in a few days for a balmy holiday in the 80's because it is beautiful here! Blizzard warnings until 6pm. I have never lived somewhere like this before and am soaking it up. We made a huge pot of Brunswick stew last night in the crock pot, have movies from Netflix (although I am trying to coax Jonathan into watching every Christmas movie we have over and over again!), beers in the fridge, and even 2 new games from Target! Last night we went on a walk to help our friends find a taxi (who came over last night for pre-snow festivities) and it looked like glitter was falling from the sky...It is soft and fine and pretty. Now it is accumulating on our window sill and we are supposed to get more than 20 inches.

***Now it's Sunday. The snow is still beautiful. I feel badly though because lots of people are trying to get OUT of DC (my sister included) and they are stuck. Our city is not used to such snow and what to do with it now! Jonathan and I were supposed to go to the symphony last night at the Kennedy Center for Handel's Messiah as our special Christmas date, but it was canceled due to blizzard warnings. We had a fun day nonetheless.....

Jonathan and I had a blast. We trudged, jumped, climbed, and sledded to our heart's delight. You could literally jump and fall into the snow and it would catch you with soft, powdery arms. I felt exhausted from so much play. It was glorious. We luckily found a left behind saucer sled in the park nearest to our house! What a fortune. We tested it out in the same park and it was great...Then we ventured to the bigger park and found a huge crowd watching and lined up to slide down the "big" hill. Seriously, there was a crowd! DC neighbors coming together for snow fun. I think I fell in love with DC to infinity. SO much love. Plus, there were cross country skiers and even a few skiers going downhill and snowboarders making jumps out of the snow, how funny is that! We were entertained for sure. Then we got a warm chaipucchino from Open City (one of our favorite places to go) and ordered some food to go, to come back to our warm and cozy home and watched movies all night long. Now there is still lots of snow outside and it is nice and sunny so we will go explore some more....We don't leave for Florida until late Tuesday night so I'm sure the airport will be up and running again. Although I might be (secretly)dreaming of a "White Christmas" and getting stuck.

Hallelujah.

2009-12-14T21:11:00.002-05:00

Bethany Dillon's Hallelujah song says,

"Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
And see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
or do anything
But its when you hold me
that I start unfolding
And all I can say is...

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I choose to sing Hallelujah

The same sun that
rises over castles
and welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
in broken things
You took my heart of stone
And made it home
and set this prisoner free"

This song has really spoken to me lately. Driving around town is often my sweet time with the Lord and this brings me to where I need to be. Humbled. Thankful. Needing to be filled up. Ready to receive something. To be made new. Clean. And made strong. My cracks filled in. I remember making things out of clay when I was little....when there were little cracks, you would wet a paint brush with water and fill in the cracks. You would rub your hands on the wet clay and put the crack together again. When I get dried out and the fractures start to appear, God is good to fill them, seal them and send me out again, stronger and fortified.

I am thankful and filled with love. From my God. He is bigger and better than Christmas decorations, cute wrapping paper, yummy smells and vacations. It's funny because December doesn't feel different to me than other months. Our tiny home doesn't allow for decorations (no storage afterwards) and while my heart might start to yearn for a mantle to hang stockings or a big tree in the corner for a brief second, I am actually pretty proud of myself for my contentedness (this is always a struggle). While these things bring joy to many during this season, I am hoping to find joy in lasting things. Things that don't go in a box for the other 11 months a year. I know the church celebrates God coming to earth this month, but He has been with me for every breath, not just this month, so I don't really get the emphasis, but am thankful for Him being real to me always, that maybe I am moving on from the huge ups and downs and being more steady. Of course, I doubt and protest and grumble and sin a lot but the Lord is more real to me now: beyond dramatics and pageants and goose bumps and huge highs and lows. So Hallelujah. Whatever is in front of me, I will sing Hallelujah.....

city life.

2009-11-19T20:16:00.002-05:00

I got 2 parking tickets today. That is $60 dollars in one day for the DC government. Lovely.

Now, I get parking tickets pretty often but 2 in one day is pretty terrible. City life's charms. On street parking at home and at work. This means I have a permit at home, so can park along the curb, but if I get home after 7pm one night, it's hard to find a spot so if I don't want to walk really far, then I sometimes have to park "illegally" overnight. I don't get caught everytime I do this but I wasn't so lucky this morning. But I had groceries to bring in last night and it was raining! I didn't want to walk 6 blocks and across a major road to get home lugging stuff in the rain. Not sure if that was worth $30 but at the time it felt like it would be.

I also have to park on the street at work. However, work is across town so my residential permit doesn't work there, this means I can only park for 2 hours. Then I have to go move it and move it far enough away from where I was previously parked to be sure the parking enforcer won't notice that I just moved and that I don't belong parking there all day, every day. Sigh. I like having a reason to leave the office and walk around for a bit, but sometimes I forget or get held up and can't go move the car. Hence parking ticket #2.

Once I don't need my car at work (transitioning to being at the office more), then I will start taking the metro and then I'm sure I will have many more commentaries about life in DC. Until thenm I shall share experiences such as parking tickets, moving the car every 2 hours and hauling in groceries in the rain.

If Ashley (my sister) had a blog then she could tell a tale of city life including find 2 mice in her apartment and trying to chase them into a homemade trap. Gross and hilarious. The building she lives in is old and historic, yet comes with its share of issues like mice appartently. So, we will take the bad (parking tickets, mice, overpriced everything) with the good (interesting people, walking everywhere, history and things to do, beautiful scenery.....).

Good news: Jonathan gets home tonight and I shall not be husbandless for almost 2 weeks....Yay. Now I just have to calm myself so I don't seem as "needy" as I feel......

alone time.

2009-11-09T20:17:00.004-05:00

Jonathan's travels have increased lately so I have had way too much alone time for my own good. I did read all the Twilight books (even though I said I wouldn't hop on that bandwagon, but they were pretty darn entertaining!!). I have been studying for my licensure exam which is around the corner. This has been productive. I have gone to the gym more. Otherwise, I have sulked a bit and thought too much. Alone time gets old quickly for me. I am excited for a whole week with Jonathan coming up for Thanksgiving. We are going to North Carolina to spend some time in the mountains with Jonathan's side of the family.

I continue to be thankful for my job, since it takes up most of my time these days it's a good thing it's positive. The people I work with, peers and the families we serve, always inspire me and stretch me so much that I didn't know I could grow anymore. Sometimes I don't want to grow or stretch. It can be tiring. Somehow, I wake up in the morning, and the Lord refreshes me and I am ready to go again. Even if I went to bed and thought, "I can't do this in the morning". I do and I still love it.

Some examples of how I am "stretched" each day. A co worker tells a story of his childhood in an African country in which he had to flee as a teenager because civil war broke out (as in the movie, "Blood Diamond"), escape to the US after walking through countries in Africa, to never see his family again. Wow. A family I met with today that lives in one of the worse housing projects of DC (think "The Wire"), with 6 kids piled into a small apartment, and very affected by poverty. Yet, the older brother still helps the little brother with his homework. When they can't afford money for public transportation (which is most of the time), the teen girls and boys walk over 6 miles across the city to get to school and back. The Father (yes, they have a Dad in their life which is pretty rare yet amazing) walks everywhere, taking hours if needed, to get things for his family and attend appointments. They lost their mother suddenly to undetected illness. Yet, I'm sure these kids complain far less than most in the burbs with every toy imaginable and a nice car to transport them around. The upcoming struggle is to find Thanksgiving and Christmas baskets to have a nice meal together for the holidays. Lets see.....Another teenage girl that I work with who is healing from sexual abuse. She writes the most amazing poetry that touches me more than anything I've read from a NY Times Best Seller list. She has a gift and I am entrusted with this gift of her art and the expression painful feelings from such horrible things that have happened to her in her young life. A picture of resilience and strength, yet she sees herself as a shamed, dirty, stupid and poor child. I could tell you a story like this about each and every child, teenager and family I work with....Yet to write it down with my lame descriptors almost cheapens it. They are more amazing than my portrayal can describe and I wish you all had the opportunity to meet and understand and "see" them as I have and be changed. Incorporating the change and experience into my life is the hard part....but I will never complain about that....To not have poverty at my doorstep, sexual abuse in my past, deceased parents, racism, and so many other obstacles in my life, I am so undeserving and often go to sleep wondering "why me" as to the amount of goodness, opportunity, blessings and love in my life. Yes, I am lonely when Jonathan travels but this is such a small "thorn in my side". Yet the pain I do feel at times, makes me human, and able to relate and "be" with people in their pain, their uncertainty and that I am real, able to cry, fall apart, scream and feel "crazy".....

Not much to say so.....

2009-11-02T22:11:00.002-05:00

Quiz: one word answers only (which I did not succeed at doing).

Where is your cell phone? coffee table
Your hair: helpless (need appointment ASAP...crap, that is more than one word)
Your mother: giving
Your father: patient
Favorite food: southern or mexican
Dream last night: my husband leaving to go to work (oh wait, that really happened at 4am).
Favorite drink: diet coke
Goal/Dream: a more simple life with children and to where I can give back to God and others
What room are you in: living
Hobby: reading
Fear: paralyzing
Where you want to be in 6 years: kiddos and a happy hubby....not sure about anything else
Where were you last night? dinner for my sister's birthday
Something that you aren't? half hearted
Muffins: tempting
Wish list: patience (i started to type other things but then realized if i had to write one word, i need patience the most, because i shouldn't "want" so much!)
Where did you grow up? Campbell St.
Last thing you did: ate a mini snickers bar (halloween candy)
What are you wearing? workout capri's and my gator hoodie
your tv: source of noise which i enjoy
your pets: RIP daisy :(
Friends: faithful
your life: unbalanced right now
your mood: restless and bored
missing someone: yes
vehicle: makes my life easier
something you are not wearing: makeup
favorite store: anthropologie and target
favorite color: pink
last time you laughed: today
last time you cried: last night
your best friend: jonathan
Place you go over and over: facebook, ha
person who emails you regularly: shopping websites and my supervisor (that is sad, someone send me real email!)
favorite place to eat: home

October.

2009-10-20T21:10:00.005-04:00

Jonathan at Shenandoah
View at the top
Shenandoah National Park, Virginia
View from Glassy Chapel, SC, where Jamie and Michael wed
Life time best friends...Going on 16 years!
Jonathan and I at wedding

It is hard to believe it is October 20. Seems like time is flying by in all aspects.

October has been good. We traveled down to the Carolina's for my dear friend (from Orlando and DC!), Jamie's wedding. It was a weekend of festivities and I came away refreshed from being out the city, surrounded by friends that are more like family (we have known each other for longer than we haven't known each other now), and being around strong Christian faith and hearing TRUTH. It's always a blessing and miracle to witness others take vows of marriage. Encouraging and affirming. Such a wonderful time for many reasons.

We were able to get away another Saturday for a long day in the beautiful Shenandoah National Park. It's a few hours away from DC and it's amazing. A lot of hikes and scenery and nice to get fresh air and ranging vistas. Much quieter than city life and amazing that it is in easy driving distance from DC. It was a wonderful day and we are planning to go back soon now that the leaves are getting close to peak color.

Besides the weather being WAY too cold for October, Fall is going well so far and we are looking forward to being in town for a few weekends in a row without travel. Hope to slow down, read some books, cuddle up in my new LL Bean slippers and "be". With Jonathan continuing to travel each week for work, our quiet weekends at home are treasured, especially for him, so we are trying to protect and treasure them.

There is not much to report and I am content at the quietness. In life. My heart. No drama and that is okay. Glad I can say that. Maybe I used to like the drama and "excitement". Growing up, perhaps.

Anyone else on growing up and okay with quiet weekends and "stillness" in life?

Anniversary #3.

2009-09-30T22:00:00.003-04:00

September 30, 2006.

Heather and Jonathan married in Orlando, Florida, surrounded by dearest friends and family, and blown away at God's faithfulness at bringing them together, surviving years of dating with ups and downs, and ready to start a new adventure as husband and wife.

September 30, 2009.

Three years of marriage! I am big on celebrating every anniverary....Because divorce is so common and an easy way "out" in our society, so I am happy to report our committment and growth as we continue this adventure together in shared life. It is not always easy, but so worth it.

So, we started our marriage in Atlanta. Jonathan working in town while I worked opposite hours at a restaurant. We had fun sharing an apartment, talking long walks in Peachtree Hills, cooking lots of dinners in our new pots and pans, and swims at the Tuscany pool at night before bed.

Then came, "Let's move to DC", drive up for a weekend to confirm our decision, go to open houses, decide to buy a 580 square foot condo (after being in it for 5 minutes on previously mentioned weekend in DC to decide the next years of our lives), then I try to find a job, I do find a job, and in June 2007, we moved to DC.

So, we are still in our tiny but lovely condo. I am still at the said job, which I happen to love and many opportunities have come through this job to grow me professionally and personally, and we love the city, exploring the many things to do and being in this part of the country, close to many big cities, the mountains, the beaches, and such amazing weather with tastes of all the seasons. Our favorite thing to do is put on our running shoes and take some money and walk around DC all day....

Jonathan and I went to California this past weekend to celebrate his 28th birthday and our anniversary. With our wedding 5 days after Jonathan's birthday, the two seem to be combined, but Jonathan doesn't seem to mind. (At least this year, I remembered it WAS his birthday. The year of the wedding, I don't think I even mentioned it with "wedding" on my mind). It was such a special trip and we loved having time away together. So thankful!

What have I learned during these 3 years?

Let's see. Buying a house is stressful and hard but we survived and now its ok. Moving and a lot of transitions is hard during your first year of marriage. Being settled and not "on the move" is actually nice and not "boring", as I once would have imagined. Jonathan is far more faithful, loving, patient, giving and a servant than I ever would have guessed or wanted. He is so good to me. Marriage will definitly grow you up. There is not much room for selfishness (you both won't be happy) and you have to give in on the little things like not getting AS annoyed when your partner doesn't totally shut the kitchen cabinets (his pet peeve, my eternal flaw) or when whiskers are left on the sink every Monday morning after this sink was just spic and spanned cleaned on Sunday (UGH! My pet peeve...his whiskers!). But we've learned to laugh and yes we might bicker but its done with love and humor and the security of marriage and being assured of Jonathan's love and committment to me has mellowed me out and let me put my energy into other areas of life, such as work. For us both, this time in life seems to be filled with work, but we value our family the most and are always trying to figure out what that looks like together, today and in the future.

So, I am contemplative and thankful for my marriage and sweet husband. I know I don't deserve anything and it is by God's grace He has given us blessings and each other for pleasure and His purposes. Not sure what our 4th year will hold, but glad to be in this with Jonathan and our faithful God.

Here are some pictures....Our wedding was so darn fun and I have been thinking about how awesome it was all day...So memorable and amazing. I wish I could be there again tonight :)I wouldn't change a thing.

To the Church (us).

2009-09-22T21:51:00.002-04:00

I recently read Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis. While this book has been out for awhile, I just now got to it. Honestly, the ideas didn't seem too "new" to me and it wasn't my favorite of books but I got through it quickly and the epilogue really impacted me. I am glad to have read it to get to the end in which Mr. Bell wrote to us,

"One summer when I was in high school, my family and I were on vacation and decided to visit a church in the town where we were staying. At the end of the service, the pastor asked if anybody wanted to become a Christian. he said that people could repeat a prayer after him and become a Christian, right there at that moment in their seats. he said that if people repeated this prayer after him, they could be sure that when they died, they would go to heaven and not hell. He then asked everybody to bow their heads and close their eyes, and said the prayer, leaving space after each sentence for those who wanted to repeat the prayer after him. When he finished, he told everybody to keep their eyes closed and heads bowed. He then asked for the people who had prayed the prayer to raise their hands wherever they were seated. This way he would know who they were so he could pray for them. He said that nobody but him would be looking.

The pastor then said, "I see that hand over there. Thank you. I See a hand in the back. I see some young women in the front..." And he proceeded to acknowledge the hands that were going up all around the room.

During this entire time I had kept my eyes open and was watching the whole thing.

I didn't see any hands go up.

Several years ago my dad reminded me of that day. He told me that he had his eyes open the whole time as well - only he was not watching for hands. He was watching me. He said that when he realized what was going on and that I was observing it all, he had this sick feeling that I would walk away from God and church and faith forever. He kept thinking, I've lost Rob, I've lost Rob.

I am like you. I have seen plenty done in the name of God that I'm sure God doesn't want anything to do with. I have lots of reasons for bailing on the whole thing.

I am also like you because I have a choice. To become bitter, cynical, jaded, and hard. Anybody can do that. A lot have. Hatred is a powerful, unifying force. And there is a lot to be repulsed by.

Or, like you, I can reclaim my innocence. We can choose to reclaim our innocence together. We can insist that hope is real and that a group of people who love God and others really can change the world. We can reclaim our idealism and our belief and our confidence in the big ideals that stir us deep in our bones. We can commit all the more to being the kinds of people who are learning how to do what Jesus teaches us.

I am not going to stop dreaming of a new kind of faith for the millions of us who need it. I am not going to stop dreaming of new kinds of communities that put the love of God and the brilliance of Jesus on display in honest, compelling ways. I am not going to stop dreaming of new ways to live lives of faith and creativity and meaning and significance.

But I can't do it alone. I need you. We need you. We need you to rediscover wonder and awe. We need you to believe that it is really possible. We need you to join us.

It's better that way.

It's what Jesus had in mind. "

As I pray to not have a cynical heart towards children, mental health, systems of care which are supposed to take care of children, christians also who are supposed to take care of said children, and then the church in general, I need so much grace. For me it is so much easier to love those who might seem "far from the pew" but my own Christian brother, the preacher, the so called devout church goer, I sometimes find harder to love. But there is no excuse for any cynicism, bitterness or careless words. God will endlessly renew me to give grace, as I always receive grace from Him, I just need to ask and be humble, before God and everyone I interact with everyday and even on Sundays (when I go to church, which is a whole other topic but related!).

The wise Ms. Day

2009-09-16T23:18:00.003-04:00

People say, ‘What is the sense of our small effort?’

They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time, take one step at a time. A pebble cast into a pond causes ripples that spread in all directions. Each one of our thoughts, words and deeds is like that. No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless.

There’s too much work to do.

-Dorothy Day-

I have been inspired lately by the life and words of Dorothy Day (thanks jonnali!)....Her words above resonate with me, as often I seek to move mountains and make big changes into lives of hurting people, or my own life and situations, or those that I love...However, Ms. Day was so wise and I think she is right on. Often, if we think the challenge is BIG we never get going because it seems so intimidating and daunting. A smaller task we are more apt to move on and feel confident about accomplishing it. But let us not get discouraged by the enormity of the work to do, people to love, things to change or things that are "wrong", but MOVE now and in the PRESENT. Let your conversations be seasoned with salt. Do not speak idle words (read James!). Speak forth blessings and not curses. When you touch someone (the shoulder of a child, kisses on your baby) bless them in the name of Jesus. The great thing about this is that you don't have to tell someone you are blessing them, but can do it quietly and discreetly. The kids I worked with are blessed in the name of Jesus, but they don't know it...My hand on their shoulder is a way to impart blessing (if I am intentional about it)..Oh the Father has been faithful to give us gifts that we need on this earth and to have access to everything Jesus had on this earth in His ministry. The Holy Spirit! Dear Lord, help us USE what YOU have GIVEN for YOUR glory and redemption in this world. Let us have energy, purpose and renewal. I need You to fill me up!

So Long Sweet Summer.

2009-09-08T21:49:00.003-04:00

Have you ever heard that Dashboard Confessional song?

It reminds me of younger days. Specifically the year after college, after my friends and I traveled Europe and then I moved to Atlanta....I was so carefree, yet I didn't know it, but life was full and good, filled with adventure, unknowns and ideas for all that was ahead. While in Europe, on many of the train rides, I listened to a song such as this and journaled and thought a lot.

Pondering, as I watched Europe go by through a train window. I am still that same 22 (or was it 23?) year old gal in some ways but yet so different. Hopefully, in a good way different. But I sometimes yearn for those carefree days. No husband. No morgage. No real job. Grad school, yes, but not compareable to work.work.work. I didn't know the hurt in the world. My reality was different than the reality I know about now. The stories of kids and broken families that I have heard since then. My outlook was sunnier perhaps. But heartache is the same, younger or older. Things with Jonathan were unsettled. I dated looking for excitement but it wasn't satisfying. I had inner struggles of how to relate psychology and my studies to my belief in Christ and how He is working in the world. I was still my self with my own issues, 23 or 27.5 years old. Struggling, falling, needing grace. And more grace. Sweet fellowship was a blessing then. I had dear friends in Atlanta. Many dinners with laughing and wine, walks around the city talking, shopping and fun. I had more time for friends and people and that always means a more fulfilled life and time. Girl roommates watching sex and the city all day, walks around Piedmont Park, dinners with unlimited wine refills.

Ahhh. So many seasons in life, all with their sweet and yet hard moments.

Anyways, this song takes me back there and it reminds me of days like this, where summer is fading and a fall chill is in the air. The sun was gone today and I ordered wool slippers from LLBean....Yikes. Summer is officially gone, huh? White pants folded and put at the top of the closet. Summer concerts done. The pools closed. Tan fades. Vacation days consumed.

Here is to a new season...I'm reluctant to let go of summer but maybe the beautiful leaves and cool weather will romance me. I hope so.

Back to Real Life.

2009-07-29T21:40:00.003-04:00

Uncle Jonathan and Eli

My sweet nieces: Sydney, Ruth Anne and Hannah

Jonathan and the Lively girls from Belle Glade

Lively family!

DC Lively's at the beach

Our 12 days in Florida were wonderful. I have been full force back to "reality" in DC and haven't had much time to contemplate our vacation, but the fact that when I came back to work I got comments that "I look different" must mean that 1.) I needed a vacation and 2.) It was well taken and I soaked up every minute including a nice tan and rest for the baggy eyes.

While the day to day includes more stressors, free time and some "blah" activities, I was happy to come back to our home in DC, a city that we love and can't imagine leaving, and to get back to work. My Dad sometimes drives me crazy when he constantly says how important it is to love what you do....And this was modeled to me my entire life by my Dad. I have never heard him complain once (this is in 27.5 years!) about his job and working, making him entirely the most positive person I know to the point where you have to think something is wrong with him, but he really just chooses to be positive and genuinely enjoys and finds purpose in his work. SO, while I have not reached even close to his positivity, I am thankful for my work and that when I got back from vacation, caught up around the office, called my children and families to reconnect, I felt enthusiastic, challenged and some kind of genuine joy. So, thanks Dad for instilling in me the importance to like what you do all day long and for God/my workplace/coworkers to contributing to making this a reality for me.

Two weeks back into the full swing of things, vacation sure does feel like it was a long time ago but here are some pictures (above).

Rest.

2009-07-07T20:44:00.003-04:00

I guess it is a good thing that you don't know you are tired until you stop, or something like how that phrase goes....In anticipation of my vacation, which begins tomorrow night, I have been completely unmotivated this week to do anything. If I felt like this continually, I would be a restless, bored, unhappy mess! My guess is that I am just mentally "checked out" for vacation and my HOPE is that when I return in 12 days that I will feel refreshed and ready to go once again. Eek. My perspective this week has freaked me out a bit in that idea that I thought I loved my job, life, DC, day to day activities, but this week every task has felt like that dread before going to the dentist or something. Not a fun way to live life and I am thankful that NORMALLY I am happy, optimistic and purposeful in my days.

So, we are off to Florida for the most consecutive vacation days I have taken since working this job for 2 years! I am thrilled to rest, have a stack of books I have been wanting to read, and even a checklist of movies to rent in my head (we have gotten far behind on movie watching-it's hard to stay inside during the wonderful summer in DC!). Plus, we get to see all of our families and we will have enough time to actually just "be" with people and not rush around "catching up". Excited to feel loved and in the sunshine for a great rest called vacation.

Be back July 20....

How do we do this?

2009-07-06T11:39:00.002-04:00

"More and more the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn't be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes and hugs that you do not simply like them, but you truly love them."

-Henri Nouwen, from his book Gracias!

Yes! In our world of being "busy" I feel so moved to reject that culture and learn how to "be" with people. Luckily, my job allows me to do this for some extent, becuase I am with people all day and do get to sit on their porch stoops, or go on a walk, all in the name of mental health treatment and community based services, BUT how do we make this how we LIVE? How do we work for a living the 9-5 + a few more hours AND share life with each other in a real and genuine way?! Any ideas about how to make this a reality and not just a pretty quote?

Friendship.

2009-06-26T10:02:00.002-04:00

From CS Lewis' The Four Loves,

"...in Friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university over another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, 'Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends 'You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.' The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others."

I love this! It is truly amazing to think about those special people in our lives and how we have met them and become connected. My bestest friend lived across the street from me in Orlando growing up (since we were infants) and we lived together 4 years in college! My parents sent me to a private school, against my protests, for middle school and I met more of my bestest friends who I have known now for 15 years. I took dance with a friend, who I still treasure and adore, even though its been years and years. While I was sad to go to college in Florida, which was a feeling shared with my future husband but didn't know it, Jonathan (who was bummed he couldn't go to an Ivey League in the NE), so we met at UF as "little" 19 year olds (in comparison to being old 27 year olds). In Atlanta, I met girlfriends by somehow getting in a small group, even though we went to different churches and met in "rebellion" to normal formations of small groups! Starting a job around the same time as someone, sitting on the plane next to someone on a flight....It's awesome to think how people come into our lives and while some only for a season, that God orchestrates all of this for our enjoyment, growth, encouragement, and ultimately for His glory. Nuts.

hope is the thing with feathers.

2009-06-16T00:20:00.003-04:00

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me."

-Emily Dickinson

I found this in the quite delightful children's book, Feathers, today as I read it with a child and we stopped to discuss this poem and it's beauty...The 8 year old girl "got" it and my adult soul was also perked up a bit during the normal afternoon slump.

Dear Mrs. Obama

2009-06-03T23:27:00.001-04:00

Dear First Lady, Mrs. Obama,

I attended the Washington Science and Technology Charter School high school graduation ceremony today in support of a young lady who I have worked with over the past two years. This young lady graduated today, representing years of hard work and overcoming many hardships and challenges in her life. Struggles to the extent of which I have never personally experienced: like those powerful stories that you read about in memoirs of resilience on the best seller list.

Because I was at this graduation to celebrate a young woman’s perseverance and accomplishments, I was honored to hear you speak to the graduating class, teachers, parents, and well, me. It was like you were speaking directly at me. As if I came into your office one day, beat down and discouraged, and it was your job to pick me back up, dust me off, and send me away inspired and ready to go again.

For the past two years, I have been working with children, adolescents and their families at Community Connections, a non-profit mental health agency here in DC. Formally, I am a mental health clinician and that is the nature of my role and vocational responsibilities. Additionally, I wear many “hats” of mentor, cheerleader, target of rage, mediator, taxi driver, advocate, educator and friend for many of these beautiful young people in the district. Professionally, there are things such as boundaries and best practices, which I hold in high esteem, but beyond a job title, I am a person who works with people and their emotions, dreams, hopes, disappointments, and deep hurts.

As author Henri Nouwen said, “"When I ask myself, "Who helps me the most?" I must answer, "The one who is willing to share his or her life with me".

My goal, which also facilitates mental health rehabilitation, is to share my life and self with others as Nouwen mentions. To meet them where they are and to just be with them at a given moment in time. Hopefully, this will propel them to growth, a more positive life, and less troublesome symptoms as they live their lives. Without this crucial relationship and regard for people, my guess is that mental health treatment would be an utter failure.

While it might sound inspirational on paper, the days are long, tiring and the rewards small and slow in coming. Progress has to be measured by inches, not feet. Emotionally, at the end of the day, I am lucky if there is any energy left for myself or my husband. Of course, I have purpose in my days and work, knowing that I do make a difference, even as small as if might seem or actually be, but I do get worn down and discouraged.

So thank you for your inspiration today. As you spoke to the graduates of 2009, and said, “You are ready” even though you have doubts and insecurities, underneath a confident exterior. Because 9 years after my own high school graduation, I often think I am not smart enough, kind enough, self aware enough, or worthy enough to do this work. But I accept your words of “You are ready” and as you passed on inspiration to these young people, you also gave it to me. Thank you for talking with us, not down to us, or at us. There is such warmth in shared human experiences. In the realization that while we might look different and come from various backgrounds, we actually share such similar hopes and dreams, and hurts. It is comforting to have those moments when we are more the same than different, more of a family than wandering parts, and a part of something beyond ourselves, whether that be a community rooting for young people, a country supporting soldiers abroad, or adults trying to keep our families and work lives balanced.

A sincere thank you again, Mrs. Obama.

Best Regards,

Heather Lively

What We Need is Here.

2009-05-26T12:15:00.003-04:00

"Geese appear high over us,

pass, and the sky closes.

Abandon, as in love or sleep,

holds them to their way,

clear in the ancient faith:

what we need is here.

And we pray, not for new earth or heaven,

but to be quiet in heart, and in eye, clear.

What we need is here. "

-Wendell Berry

********************************************

Jonathan and I were able to "get away" to the Delaware beach this weekend for a few days. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed, at ease, not thinking about what I needed to do next, or to feel guilty when relaxing because I "should be doing something more productive".

As I "protested" today at going back to work with psychosomatic symptoms of not feeling well, I came home a little early and found this poem, which really spoke to me, in light of the weekend. What we really need is here. Before us. Before me. Right now. Every day. Every breath. Yet I don't breath it enough, or recognize it, or label it, or appreciate it. So I hope to be more present NOW. Not tomorrow, or in an hour. But here and now. And see that I have all I need and when I look for something else, it is then I am lacking.

Prayer.

2009-05-17T13:17:00.002-04:00

"To pray, I think, does not mean to think about God in contrast to thinking about other things, or to spend time with God instead of spending time with other people. Rather, it means to think and live in the presence of God. As soon as we begin to divide our thoughts about God and thoughts about people and events, we remove God from our daily life and put him into a pious little niche where we can think pious thoughts and experience pious feelings. ... Although it is important and even indispensable for the spiritual life to set apart time for God and God alone, prayer can only become unceasing prayer when all our thoughts -- beautiful or ugly, high or low, proud or shameful, sorrowful or joyful -- can be thought in the presence of God. ... Thus, converting our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer moves us from a self-centred monologue to a God-centred dialogue. "

From Henri Nouwen's "Clowning in Rome".

If you haven't read Nouwen, I would encourage you to do so. His writing is simple, yet speaks profound truth in a meet-you-where-you-are kind of way and its like you can feel his love and compassion for you, as the reader. I can sit down with a book for an hour (and maybe finish it, they are quick) and come away feeling comforted, refreshed and with a bit more wisdom to take with me. Perfect for a Sunday afternoon.

Live.Love.DC

2009-05-10T14:43:00.004-04:00

Fresh flowers from Eastern Market

A sunset and a picnic followed by fireworks Cherry Blossoms galore

We are almost at our 2 year anniversary for living in the District of Columbia. It was this time two years ago that we took a weekend road trip to DC from Atlanta, went to a whirlwind of open houses, explored neighborhoods, decided that we wanted to move here and put an offer on a condo, which would end up being "home" and our first, scary yet exciting experience with real estate. While at times, I have felt "strangled" so to speak with owning a home, we love saying that it is "ours", investing in it and the panic of watching the creeping down real estate market (well, I wouldn't say we "love" that part but the sweet wouldn't be sweet without the sour, right?). A reality show might be in the making of how we raise our (future) family with 2+ kids in 580 square feet without having social services called. Ha. Not really funny and something that is on my mind probably too much as I am now 27.5 and my friends start popping out babies.

Back to how much I love living in DC. The Washingtonian did a spread this month titled, "26 reasons to love Washington and lots more reaons we're lucky to live here." Some of my highlights the magazine also noticed:

-You can see the sky!

Most big cities you are suffocated by tall buildings but not here where there is building height limit of 130 feet, approx. 13 stories. Plus the green spaces, parks, trails, grass make it quite beautiful and has a "European" look (to me).

- It's a great mix of the North and South.

People consider Virginia the South, yet you are a few hours drive to Philly and NYC. The beach, lakes, mountains, and vineyards are all a drive away. Skiing in the winter and beach in the summer!

-Our lives have beautiful backdrops, We go about our days amid carved marble and places from history books.

Yes, this is one of my favorites. I still get my breath taken away as I drive by the Potomac River each morning and pass by the Jefferson memorial (and cherry blossoms in the Spring) on my way to WORK. A potentially mundane task, but here is its beautiful and I don't get tired of it. Plus weekend walks around the city to see a painting I read about in a book, or just a stroll past Lincoln in his big chair, or some pushups in Lafayette Square across from the White house.

-DC always has an aura of excitement. A feeling that any moment something of great importance is about to happen.

Last night walking home from the gym, we had to be re-routed because the Correspondence Dinner was happening and the road was blocked off with secret service, limos, and DC like celebs (and some real celebs) arrived in their tuxs and fancy dresses. Then I turned it on at home on C-SPAN and thought weird, this is happening 2 blocks from where I live. Now I don't think this particular dinner is the most important thing in the world, but the excitment was an unexpected surprise on a Saturday night.

-Reading is respected, higher education is honored, and the sexiest people are not skinny but smart.

While I have noticed that there are a lot less overweight people here (as opposed to the South), people work out to be healthy, not foxy. Yes, sometimes I do get tired of more drab looking, serious people, but brains are the new PRADA, right?! Ha. I have to think that all the brains here are working towards a better good. In my non-profit world, I am surrounding by everyday hero's who inspire me with their dedication to service, not climbing the ladder, and being in touch with people and their needs. Oh and did I mention living paycheck to paycheck to provide such services. While I don't say this is true for much of DC (aka the government sector who i hear are rennovating offices-not to extend judgement to all because i have a few "fed" friends that are exempt from my resentment), my pals and crowd are awesomely fun and great people.

Others the Washingtonian didn't mention....CLEAN metro!, being able to walk around, seasons, lots of free activities like concerts and festivals, lack of chain restaurants (although I do crave Chili's more often than I like to admit), and Rock Creek Park.

Something else great about our experience is that we live in a great neighborhood near Adams Morgan in NW. This means we get to explore surrounding areas quite easily like Dupont Circle, Logan, U St., Columbia Heights and Cleveland Park. That is already a lot. THEN I work in another super cool neighborhood, Eastern Market, which means I get to explore Capitol Hill and the areas around....There are so many cool and distinct neighborhoods.

So, Happy Anniversary to Us and DC!

I'm glad we jumped out in faith and/or craziness to come here 2 years ago for a new adventure.

Day by day.

2009-04-13T20:49:00.002-04:00

Hi. I'm still here.

I haven't thought of anything to write about recently .

These past few weeks have been good. My parents came last weekend to DC to visit Ash, Jonathan and I. We had a nice visit with cherry blossoms and a day trip to Annapolis for some blue crabs and a more laid back atmosphere. This weekend I spent some time with work peeps, went to see fireworks for the ending of the cherry blossom festival, and then shared brunch with some friends on Easter.

Work is busy. Kids still have issues. I try to help them. Sometimes I feel like I am...Other times I feel clueless, untrained, and unworthy to even talk to them about these issues and just pray I don't harm them, more than hurt them! Working with human hearts and souls, filled with hurt and pain, is messy work. While I have read many a text book and continue to learn as much as I can there are times when there might not be an "answer", yet I am "with" these dear children and try to share in their life and experience with as much love and grace as I can muster. There is nothing greater I could try to pour myself into and I am thankful that these families are in my life. I hope they know that they teach me so much and give me so much. I should tell them. Then there are so many boundaries of professionalism that keep me separated from them in certain ways, which is good for us both, but my heart often has no boundaries in my care for these little ones. My parents always talk about me turning democrat, well if it means loving and wanting to care for others then I have been pegged. Isn't that the heart of Christ? To give to those who have not? Who am I (or you) to say who deserves it and who does not? I know I do not deserve anything. Only through the righteousness of Christ can I stand before my Lord.

My spirit feels kinda flat. I am content. But this season does not feel exciting, but I guess they should not always be full of fun and anticipation. Perseverance, quiet diligence, dutifulness. That is how most of my days are lately. Jonathan is still traveling and if you know us, work issues with him seem to drone on as we try to sort out what we need to be learning and if there will ever be an end in sight.

I like Brooke Fraser's songs. Her lyrics. Listen to "Faithful".

Some lyrics say, " When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same. When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray. And I want you more than I want to live another day...And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful"....

So that's where I'm at. And because HE is always faithful, I wait day by day and continue walking on this path, even though most days it doesn't feel glamorous or amazing, but know that He is doing something IN me, AROUND me, THROUGH me, and DESPITE of me.

Banana Pudding.

2009-03-15T16:16:00.002-04:00

I don't think anyone chooses to work with children so they can feel uber appreciated each day. While I work hard, and am most of the time am happy to do it, with the kids, teenagers and parents here in DC, I don't expect "thank you's" or a general appreciation from them. Actually if I manage to not get attitude from a Mom or snide silence from a teenager, then that is a pretty good day. While I have a sense that most of the families are appreciative of me and my relationship with them, I am O.K. with not having a tangible demonstration of this appreciation.

However, this week one of the families I work with surprised me and totally made my day and probably my week. I am still beaming about it. As I was dropping off two of their teenage girls one night about 6pm after a girl's group, the little boy (who I also work with and have known 2 years now) and his little brother, come running out of the house, hyper and full of energy, no shirts on, and are knocking crazily at my window. They present me with a big Tupperware of banana pudding and are so excited that they almost drop it on the curb as I am trying to get the door open with them pushing against it.

You see a few weeks ago, when I was dropping one of the kids off I went inside to check in with their mother and Grannie, and they were in the middle of making banana pudding. I joked and said that banana pudding was my favorite, being from the South, and how nice it was to make it for me and all. Well, their Mom (who could certainly be described as "sassy" to put a positive spin on it) said, "This banana pudding is spoken for," continuing in a playful banter. I hadn't thought about it again until this week, when I got my own batch and it was delicious and such a sweet gesture that really encouraged me.

Hugs, smiles, small improvements and the kids in general make me love my work and the people I get to know, but a gift of banana pudding will be at the top of my list for awhile.

Ina Garten and coming up for air.

2009-03-11T17:45:00.002-04:00

When I got home from work last night, I felt very tired and exhausted to a new and different degree. No joke, I was asleep by 9pm (I am normally a night owl) and couldn't even stay awake to talk to my hubby that night and almost felt as if I was drugged, and had no choice in my state of consciousness.

I awoke to feeling terrible so have been home today "sick" with something of a touch of the flu and a migraine. Quite against this idea, I began driving to pick up a kid around 10am, and had to turn around, just couldn't do it.

So I've been snuggled on the couch, taking naps with the food network in the background, as I have drifted in and out of sleep. I had a dream that I was in the Hamptons with Ina Garten and now awake, still keep thinking I wish we could be friends. She seems like a lovely person and watching her show makes me want to slow down life and move to the beach where I would have time to arrange flowers from the garden (also which I grew), go to gourmet markets to pick out delicacies, and invite friends over for lovely hosted picnics and dinners. Can life really be like that? Would I even like that for long?

This morning when I first "gave in" to my sick day status, I was thinking that this would be good chance for me to catch up on life. Like finishing my paper which is due on Friday. Typing in my monthly progress notes for all my kids for work. Mopping the floor perhaps. Going on a walk since I haven't been able to work out all week. Well, none of that was accomplished because I have felt sicker than I anticipated, which leaves me wishing for a not- so -sick, but still "sick" day or a time in my life at the beach with Ina.

Well, I guess I will take a walk to 7-11 because I need a diet coke and perhaps a magazine and some fresh air.

Yikes.

2009-02-27T21:55:00.003-05:00

I haven't written in awhile. While I have had many "blogs" written in my thoughts as I drive around, listen to music, and sit awake at night going to sleep (or not), they have not materialized as being busy has taken over my life. I feel like I come up for gasps of air, and then sink back down with more "things to do". Ugh. 2009 is turning out to be a year of to-do's, working really hard, then being told I need to work harder, and growing intellectually,academically and professionally.

Note: this is not at all fun. I think I might rather it be a year for social growth and personal relaxation. Ha. However, there is a season for everything and know God is stirring in me through all this learning and doing. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all my thoughts because I don't know what they mean or what they "look like"!

If only I had time to "soak it up". That is the problem! Really, I would try to enjoy it more, but hence the "I can't breathe-coming up for air" piece.

This past week, I went to an Ash Wednesday service. I had never been to one of these before but was looking forward to a time to sit and just soak it in. God, quiet, fellowship, something...I came seeking and needed filling up.

Well, the speaker talked about how repentance leads to true joy in salvation. If you have never experienced true repentance, then you cannot experience the joy of the Lord. Why? Because when you are repentant, then you come to the end of all hope in yourself, and know that you need God to save your soul. This is not sad or somber. Not a time for weeping, but a time of overflowing joy, because when we are not enough, Christ is enough, and that is SO great! Make sense? It does to me and that is probably because I feel so inadequate and shitty in myself. Not that I have poor self esteem or confidence - I have a good amount of both- but I know the end of Heather and the beginning of Christ. Really, I am nothing, He is everything. For me, I had to learn the hard way in many things, fall down, fall hard, you get the picture. How do you learn otherwise? Can you know without royally messing up? Or are we all royally messed up just in being? I don't know.

Anyways, at the service the people read together these powerful confessions (take a deep breath) ....

"Most holy and merciful Father: We confess to you and before one another that we have sinned in thought, word, and deed; by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength. We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We have not forgiven other, as we have been forgiven. We have been deaf to your call of serve, as Christ served us. We have not been true to the mind of Christ. We have grieved your Holy Spirit. We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives; our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation of other people. We confess our envy of those more fortunate than us, our intemperate love of money and of worldly goods and comforts, and our dishonesty in daily life and work. We confess our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to commend the faith that is within us; our blindness to human need and suffering, and our indifference to poverty, injustice and cruelty. We confess our false judgements, our uncharitable thoughts towards our neighbors, and our prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from us."

YIKES.

I have kept this close and re-read it several times this week. First, it gets me out of "me". Isn't that always the problem? I love the words and the reminders....

Feast on the words and what they mean. Remember there is so much MORE.

Joy and Sorrow

2009-02-11T22:46:00.002-05:00

The more we find out about Jesus, and particularly about his death and resurrection, the more we are then energized by the Spirit to reveal God’s love to the world. In John 20 Jesus breathes on the disciples and says to them, “As the Father has sent me, so I send you. Receive the Holy Spirit.” And suddenly we see the whole vista of what God did in Jesus, through his healing and his suffering, through his parables, his celebrations, and ultimately his agony. And, with that, we discover that the story of Jesus’ ministry is not only the story of what he did in history, but encompasses also the vocation that comes to us in the present: that we should be, in the power of the Spirit, the presence of Jesus for the whole world. This discovery brings the most remarkable joy and the most remarkable sorrow.
This is our vocation: to take up our cross, and be Jesus for the whole world, living with the joy and the sorrow woven into the pattern of our days.

NT Wright, Reflecting the Glory

Lovely Laurie & some mac and cheesy goodness

2009-02-08T20:39:00.007-05:00

Nick and Laurie

The new hubby and wifey

My sweet friends and the bride

Beautiful Florida backyard reception

Hello!

Just returned to DC after a quick trip to Orlando....I was able to attend and witness my dear friend Laurie's wedding to Nick Monterosso. It was such a blessing to be there with them as they begin their lives as husband and wife. Wedding vows and ceremonies are different to me now as I am a wife. The vows mean more and sometimes convict me that I am not doing well at upholding my own promises, or makes me feel so blessed with my own marriage, and most of the time probably a combination of all those feelings....I do realize the importance of the words and commitment in a different way. I don't know how you can really understand the magnitude of it when you are up there saying it at the start of your marriage, but as time goes by it obviously becomes more real (in a good way). We've only been doing this for 2 1/2 years and have certainly stumbled and fallen and still don't feel like we "know what we are doing" but most days we can laugh and be grateful and look forward to (hopefully) many more days ahead together and sharing life. Anyways, it was a good reminder of the sacredness of marriage. I am very excited and happy for the Monterosso's!

Laurie is a kindred spirit sort of friend. She does similar work as I do in Detroit, Michigan, working with children in foster care, all in an inner city with so many circumstances that put these kids at risk. I love to talk to her because she "gets it" in a way that only someone working in this field can relate (and no offense to all of you who are not- we need you too!) so we have many conversations.....A few months ago, I was talking to her on the phone and all of the sudden she starting crying and freaking out. She had hit a dog in the road and was trying to figure out if it was alive and if she should go and pick it up to take to an emergency vet. Well, Laurie did end up getting the injured dog in her back seat and taking it to the vet ER, where is subsequently died not only from being hit by the car, but also rat poisoning. Laurie was so upset and distraught, and this story, although sad, describes her passionate and feeling heart!

Laurie and her new hubby live in an inner city Detroit neighborhood. Although she would have to tell you more about it, they will live in an intentional community with other members of their church to live with people they want to serve and share life with....Nick does homeless outreach for his job through a non-profit and they are literally being the hands and feet of Jesus in Detroit.

Although it was a quick weekend trip, we also got to spend some time with the fam and get spoiled by Mom and Dad with big breakfasts and homemade dinners from the grill. It was nice and refreshing. Plus my Mom, who's love language is gifts, always ends up packing my suitcase with random odds and ends like new pj's, shampoo, and fun earrings.

Now the hubby is already away at his job for the week, I am trying to get ready for the week and motivate myself for grand things (stay posted...)

Here is to my friend, Katie, who wants to swap recipes.....Anyone else want to share?

*****************************************************************

Macaroni and Cheese with Cauliflower

Cooking with extra-sharp Cheddar lets you use less cheese without giving up flavor. Tender cauliflower adds fiber and vitamin C.

12 ounces multi grain elbow macaroni

1 head cauliflower, roughly chopped

4 slices multi grain bread, torn

1/2 cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped

3 tablespoons olive oil

Kosher salt and pepper

1 onion, finely chopped

1 1/2 cups grated extra-sharp Cheddar (6 ounces)

1 1/2 cups reduced-fat sour cream

1/2 cup 1 percent milk

1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

Heat oven to 400° F. Cook the pasta according to the package directions, adding the cauliflower during the last 3 minutes of cooking time; drain.

Meanwhile, pulse the bread in a food processor until coarse crumbs form. Add the parsley, 2 tablespoons of the oil, and 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper and pulse to combine; set aside.

Return the pasta pot to medium heat and add the remaining tablespoon of oil. Add the onion, 3/4 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper and cook, stirring occasionally, just until soft, 5 to 7 minutes. Mix in the pasta, cauliflower, cheese, sour cream, milk, and mustard.

Transfer to a shallow 3-quart baking dish, sprinkle with the bread crumbs, and bake until golden brown, 12 to 15 minutes.

********************************************************************

A DC girlfriend, Micah, made this for our small group and it was so yummy I made up my own tonight...Great comfort food with some healthiness "snuck" in....Make it while its still cold outside! Oh and its from http://www.realsimple.com/, my favorite recipe source!

Saturday smatterings....

2009-01-31T13:11:00.003-05:00

1. “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

The wisdom of Henri Nouwen....

In my job, marriage, friendships and family this is what I am working on. Mr. Nouwen always inspires me in his words and writings.

2. Jonathan made me a homemade birthday cake from a box last night and it is still making me happy, as I had it for breakfast and a little more for lunch. It even has sprinkles and is iced perfectly.

3. Funny story about why its good for me work with kids from the week: Woke up with a lovely blemish on my nose, red and inflamed. All day various kids and teens asked me, " What is wrong with your nose, Ms. Heather." The greatest response when I said, "Oh it just a zit that I had when I woke up this morning," kind of reponse, one girl said, "Oh I thought you got your nose pierced!" Ahhh kids, reminders not to take yourself so seriously and to laugh at things that really aren't funny (like facial bumps).

4. Watching food network right now and Giada is making a champagne sangria! Doesn't that sound nice? I have never heard of one but would like to try. Thanks tiny lil' Giada woman.

5. I am starting to plan a real vacation for Jonathan and I. Thinking Costa Rica. Any suggestions? Warm, sunny, tropical and a kinda remote, rustic place to stay is what we are looking for and not too pricey. Help.

Happy Saturday.

Winter Wonderland.

2009-01-27T23:38:00.004-05:00

I am okay with winter when it means beautiful snow. I can't help but get really happy and tickled as I am driving around and flakes are falling. Growing up, I saw and played in snow on vacations, but to live day to day life when it snows is still a new adventure. Plus, this is not Michigan or Chicago, where snow is a nightmare. In DC its really not a bother and is more like dancing little flecks spreading joy to people in the world. Or just me. Wish it would stay or dance for me some more tomorrow.

Ice is in the forecast instead. Not as cheery?!

P.S.- The pictures are from our street, the brick building is where we live. "Cute", right? Snow on bare tree branches is my favorite.

Living in the District for Inauguration 2009.

2009-01-23T12:31:00.003-05:00

Our 44th President

Freezing and waiting

It was crowded. We were far away but on the mall for this historic event!

The crowds in the city

What a fun weekend to be in DC. While some locals left town, as others "took over the city", I was thrilled to be here and live in the excitement and energy that the crowds brought. Just walking to the gym, like a normal Saturday, Jonathan and I were stopped by an impressive motorcade complete with 12+ cars, vans with secret service officers poking out of the window with large weapons, trucks with spinning satellite dishes on top, and helicopters chopping above. Being in DC, you get used to armored motorcades going by, but this weekend they really stepped them up! Throughout the night, I was awakened by sirens, planes and helicopters ahead. My paranoid self kept saying little prayers, like "This is it" as I heard some large jet noise above me and thinking maybe were were about to get terrorist attacked or something. Well, we survived! No terrorist attack or casualties, made it through the freezing cold and even from being trampled by a crowd, which was actually a possibility trying to leave the national mall after the new President was sworn in.

One of the highlights was the "We are One" Inaugural Celebration Concert which was on Sunday by the Lincoln Memorial. It was a celebrity studded event with musicians (Beyonce, U2, Garth Brooks, John Mellancamp, Usher, Shakira and more) and actors (Tom Hanks, Jack Black, Samuel L. Jackson, Denzel Washington, and lots more) who gave moving speeches chronicling the history of our country with quotes from previous presidents and leaders. It was emotional and patriotic. Obama and Biden were there with their families and gave speeched. They broad casted it on HBO and I recommend it, but I'm sure being in the crowd was something hard to capture on television.

We experienced Inauguration Day 20009 with the masses. Our goal was to be on the national mall with a view of the Capital. Done. We were content even though we didn't have tickets or seats, or an actual view of the people on the platform, we did have jumbo trons broadcasting the sound and sights. Plus when you watched the news showing all those "specks" of thousands of people on the mall, we were among them!

Now among the optimism and energy in the crowd, I was angered by every one's reaction as President GW Bush was introduced. Booing, yelling and overall negativity seemed to contradict the "We are One" feeling of anti partisanship and coming together! I get that people don't like Bush, but he was on the way out and deserved the respect of being the President of the United States. Then as his helicopter flew away from the mall, taking him off after the Inauguration was over, everyone was singing, "na na na na hey hey oh goodbye!". I was thinking, "I hope Pres. Bush is opening a nice cold beer as he flew over thinking, "Peace out people!" Although I am excited about a fresh start, I am thankful for the service of any president.

So, if you ever can go to an Inauguration, go! It's a great experience of our freedom to be able to witness the peaceful transfer of power.

Let's pray for the new President and our country during these next years.

Goodbye 2008....

2009-01-02T15:25:00.014-05:00

Memories...
Annapolis, MD. Summer 2008.

World Series Game. Philadelphia. October, 2008.

Hiking in Shenandoah with friends.

Our neighborhood.

Capitol. Wow. We really live here.

Lively and Hendricks fam visit us in DC!

Out with Friends in Adams Morgan.

NYC visit for Heather's bday, January, 2008.

Girl's Weekend in the FL panhandle, May 2008. Best friends from High school!

DC Cherry Blossoms.

Our nieces, Ruth Anne and Hannah Kate. Visit to Belle Glade, December 2008.

Dinner with good friends, Atlanta, November 2008.

Las Vegas Anniversary Celebration, September 2008.

Ashley moved to DC! At a Phillies baseball game in the summer.

Lively Fam Beach week. New Symrna Beach, Florida. July, 2008.

Our Lovely Home. Celebrating my dear friend, Amanda's (center), wedding at her bachelorette beach weekend in June.

Mahurin Fam NYC trip to celebrate Ashley's graduation. May 2008.

I don't normally give much attention to New Year's and markings of time such as birthdays and years changing. When I woke up on January 1, 2009, it really didn't feel that different than December 31, 2008, so I don't think I should try to "force" myself to make it seem monumental.

Recognizing the big picture and seeing life more globally is diffifult for me, so I tried to think today about this past year and what is has held.

2008:

-12 months living in DC. A full year of making this area our home and neighborhood.

-Making our condo feel like home with a few renovations and some fresh furniture.

-Turning off the navigation in my car because I know where I am going and drive around a lot.

-A year at my job, meeting and working with probably 30+ kids and families. Growing professionally and my heart being stretched in ways I didn't know possible.

-My social awareness has increased and my political ideals challenged.

-A solid year of marriage, celebrating 2 years in September. Easier than the first year in ways of knowing our "groove", weathering holidays with the other "side", and knowing what to expect in the day to day. Better that you have a foundation and even if something might try to "rock" you, the stability of your partner keeps you safe. Harder in the ways that this is "forever" and that every day together might not be paradise and that one's spouse can be annoying (I think the hardest lesson for me has been the realization that I am actually annoying to him! What, how could my cool self ever be annoying?! I am still in disbelief. Ha.)

-Welcoming my sister to DC in the summer and enjoying time with her as a neighbor and friend. Sharing life as "grown ups" together.

-Vacations skiing in Colorado with my family, Beach time with the Lively fam in the summer, Vegas get away for Jonathan and I in September, a few trips around the Northeast to NYC and Philly and the VA mountains for long weekends, and entertaining friends and family coming to see us in DC.

-New friends and relationships here. Every Tuesday night with ladies for spiritual growth and encouragement, occasional Thursday nights with work friends for "Self Soothing" and fun, meeting some married couple friends to support us in this stage of life, plus keeping in touch with so many good, old friends who are so dear, even though far away.

********************************************************************************

It has been a good year. As mentioned before, I have never been so "stable" before in my life with no major change (that I know about) lurking in the near future. While I used to find this to be entrapping and suffocating, I am learning to embrace being present in the here and now. For the first time ever in my life, I don't have an "exit strategy" for my current life, whether that be a move, change in job, relationship, etc, and I am happy about it. Seeing relatives and friends in Florida over the holidays, I could honestly say, I love DC and our life there and don't see us leaving anytime soon (or ever). Of course, I don't control all that happens in life and we will accept whatever God has for us, and I know life can bring surprises, in tragedies and joys, so I pray for continued grace to embrace all that could be.

Now for 2009, some challenges and hopes....

-Growth in my career. I am currently taking grad classes that I need to pursue licensure and hope 2009 holds the key to becoming a licensed professional counselor in Washington, DC. This will lead to great job opportunities and growth. For me, as I grow professionally, this stretches all parts of my personality, since I work with people and systems. The more I know and experience in the field, the more it influence my whole person, in and out of work. I don't compartmentalize myself well.

-Maturity in my marriage. Learning how to be less selfish, more thoughtful, more intentional with our time together and all that God has given us with our finances, resources and time.

-Mentoring project in DC. I have thoughts and desires for creating a mentoring program for kiddos in DC. Basically, I see a lot of kids who need mentors to invest in their lives (waiting lists for 1+ years) and I know a lot of great adults who I think would love to share some of their lives with a child. Now I just have to figure out the logistics of pairing these people together! Anyone with experiences/resources/contacts for non-profit development and mentoring, please let me know. I am prayerful as I explore this conviction and leading in my life to begin such a venture. This will also allow me to continue to invest in my community here in DC.

-Learning how to better hold onto old traditions and then also make new traditions. I had a hard time this past holiday season going through the motions of old family practices which are beginning to feel more foreign and dead. I want to have new traditions with my husband and in our own life. But I hate to hurt feelings or disappoint our loved ones and families. Not sure how to reconcile my wants and needs and all those of everyone else. With the holidays almost a year away, I already feel anxiety thinking about it and I don't think that is what the holidays should be about...Maybe another year will give me some answers.

-Church. I am prayerful that this year will give us direction in our involvement in a church. We both have issues with most churches (not the body of Christ, but the meetings of the institutional church) and not sure what to do, what to think, where to go, if to go, etc.

-Continuing to learn how to be free in Christ but also disciplined and intentional in seeking God and His plan for my life. Learning how to sanctified but not under the law. Being real in my shortcomings and vulnerable with others to reflect my need for God and His greatness in meeting my need.

I have had glimpses of things already ahead in 2009, and have been delightfully reminded of God's faithfulness. I am so easy to doubt and then always surprised (when I shouldn't be) when God is ahead of the game and knows myself and my desires more than me.....May you also be delighted and surprised at all that is ahead for you in 2009, to have joy admist sadness and perspective to be thankful admist the celebrations, that there is a season for everything and our place to be content whatever season life might bring.....and to know that one would not be as good, or bad, without the other to compare it to, and that life's richness comes from a variety of experiences and perspectives. Cheers to 2009!

Tagged!

2008-12-16T21:58:00.002-05:00

I am not sure about this whole "tag" business, but my friend Katie has tagged me to tell 6 quirky things about me and the holidays...So I cannot ignore this request.
Not quite "quirky" and not sure how quirky would even apply to the holidays, but here goes....

1. I don't like decorating for Christmas/holidays. I just don't understand spending money on something that stays up for like 3 weeks. Maybe if space, money and time were not issues, I would have a lovely decorated home. Until then, I am content with my candles, one is scented "Red Apple Wreath" and the other is "Mistletoe". Lit in their glass homes, they spread all the cheer Jonathan and I need. Oh and I have these little reindeers that my Mom mailed (she is distressed that I do not have a desire to decorate) so I humored her by putting them on the front table, but Jonathan and I both get annoyed as we constantly knock them down every time we pass or put something on the table (see above, space issue). Don't tell my Mom.

2. My favorite Christmas song is Michael W. Smith's version of Kay Thompson's Jingle Bell's.
It is absolutely ridiculous but makes me laugh. My sister and I used to sing it loudly as we drove together to school back in the day. Good memories with my sister. I still know all the words.

3. Cuban Christmas Eve. We spend every Christmas Eve with our former neighbors who have a Cuban heritage and are wonderful hosts for a yummy dinner and festivities. It's always hilarious and they have been life long friends.

4. Favorite Christmas Movies: Love Actually, The Preacher's Wife, and Home Alone. I love Hugh Grant, Whitney Houston back in the day, and I used to be in love with Maculuary Culkin as a girl. Still my holiday heroes. And "The Christmas Story" but only in segments on the TBS marathon between eatings on Christmas day.

5. I actually look forward to waking up in my own bed in my own town one Christmas on a far away day. Don't know if this will ever happen since we live far away from both our families. But I do wonder what it would be like. Sounds kinda nice. Not that I don't love our families, but its still not "our" bed.

6. On Christmas Day, our family is very busy. We see every relative on my Mom and Dad's side. Really. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. The food is fantastic and its amazing to really see the WHOLE family. See why my thought up waking up in my bed in DC will probably not happen?! Ha.

Advent Conspiracy.

2008-12-11T13:46:00.002-05:00

Have you heard?

Advent Conspiracy.

Pretty great. Thinking about where I can donate money this Christmas.

How about if you asked someone who normally gives you a gift, to donate money to someone who needs it instead? Yikes, that is a tough one. My shopping list for my Mom includes new sweaters, funky jewerly, a new quilt, and smelly bubble bath....it didn't include clean water for others.

Hmmmmm.....

I got tired of the flowers.

2008-12-10T21:01:00.001-05:00

Hence, another example of my extreme procrastination abilities.

I would never be so productive with all other duties in my life, if I didn't have a paper due in 48 hours.

See, isn't that seeing the positive in the situation?

a good car ride to work.

2008-12-09T21:55:00.002-05:00

So many thoughts, right now.

Driving to work this morning, I enjoyed the wintry landscape. All the leaves are gone. The sun has made its annual escape, so grey clouds and sky were soft in the background. A cold wind blowing as a jogger grimaced his face for the unanticipated gust, out on his morning run along the Potomac, as I drove by with my warm coffee in the car.

I don't love the winter. Being in Florida for most of life, I love the sunshine and got used to a Vitamin D surplus, because as the winter continues, I definitely get some SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Actually this morning when I woke up, I had so many aches and pains (for no good reason such as a strenuous workout) and could not think of any reason why I should wake up, well except for all those obligatory duties required in a day, but not any reason why I wanted to get out of my cozy bed, onto my achy legs and feet, into the cold, cold, bathroom, attempt to do my hair (ponytail won, hair still dirty), get out into the chilly air, drive with every other DC busybody to the office to meet with kids who probably don't appreciate me, and who I probably won't really help...and on and on.....

BUT as I made the drive into work, the wintry morning was beautiful. Peaceful. Quiet. I kept looking at the trees. No leaves. They look dead, right? I know you have heard this kind of sermon over and over again, but it struck me anew this morning. The trees look dead without their leaves and their dull color, yet in a few months, when the glories of spring immerse, LIFE and BEAUTY and COLOR and FULLNESS return.

So, even when I feel almost "dead" inside (like this morning for me), I am not. The color, passion, beauty and fullness is there, though dormant. Why dormant? Maybe I have to die to myself. Maybe I am being sanctified, disciplined. I don't know. What I AM sure of is that the promise for Spring, whatever that is symbolic for each of us, will not disappoint. And isn't it worth it to be "dead" for awhile or to whatever, to come "alive" again? Spring would not be so great, without the contrast of Winter preceding it. Think about this in your own life, how might your current sufferings be apart of the grand design to delight you with a more lovely Spring?!

Needless to say, my drive to work was quite productive between me and the Lord. The morning started with something very encouraging at work. I was shocked. I had forgotten the "hope" of Spring and what that felt like. Throughout the day, it has soaked in and I am thankful. My heart is slowing "waking" up and I can feel the burn again for life, children, and things beyond laying in bed all day. Now I cannot speak for tomorrow, but I learned a lot today.

While there is more...I must end for this evening and get back to an assignment that is ALMOST done and due on Friday. Friday. Friday. Can't wait.

Out of Africa.

2008-12-05T15:32:00.003-05:00

On my third sick day of the week, as a result of strep throat, one item on my agenda has been to watch "Out of Africa", which has to be my all time favorite movie....Ahhh, it's glorious. The music, scenery, story of adventure in an unknown land, a heroine who is independent and strong yet allows herself to fall in love, a handsome man made more so as a result of him being so unattainable, so wild, yet the heroine doesn't care to have "all" of him, because only a bit of him is more great than the "all" of many other men....

So many great scenes, Karen and Denys grasping hands as they fly over the beautiful African tundra, Karen showing up in the military tents after weeks of travel to the astonishment of the sexist men, heartbreak over the world not asking before it changed, over lives ending too soon, dreams not lost, but altered.

On the next rainy or sick day in your future, watch this lovely movie and grow to love the characters, story, the lines, Africa, and Robert Redford....

Blah.

2008-12-01T19:42:00.002-05:00

Today has been one of those days where my head hasn't stopped pulsing, I can't remember why I love(d) my job so much (didn't I just tell one of you how much I loved it? Well, I need a reminder, a day later!), and the idea of doing anything besides sitting on the couch all day in my pj's seems like some kind of slow, pure torture.

What's my deal? Post holiday blues, maybe. The day after driving for 13 hours in horrible weather and traffic from Atlanta to DC, check. Husband left after 10 days of face to face time, check. Bags from being out of town laying around bedroom begging to be unpacked, check. Paper for grad class still awaiting to be written, check. Family calling saying "I wish you were with us" at Thanksgiving because I was with husband's fam, check. Did I mention a headache that continues to burn my eyes and throb in the back of my head? Oh right, check.

My inner dialogue of complaints has been reeling throughout the day. I got back home and decided to "stop" my whining and look for things to uplift me.

I started to wash dishes, an annoying thing that just must be done. I was able to find some small happiness in my Mrs. Meyer's lavendar scented dish soap. It smells so freaking good and I really did feel uplifted as I scrubbed away. Postive #1, check.

Ahh. I bought a new dishtowel this weekend at Anthropologie on sale. It has old timey advertisements on it like "Novella sweet peas" with green stripes on the bottom. I didn't use it to dry the dishes because its brand new, but I did look at it on the towel rack, and found positive #2.

So, buy fun dish soap and towels. Simple pleasures. Much better than DAWN and an old, stained dishrag.

Next positive, a new Gossip Girl is on tonight. Yes, this is my total guilty pleasure. Its funny because I actually like the adults in the show, more than the "kids", which I guess means I am getting old. Rufus is such a hot dad! Yes, the show is full of underage sex and partying, but the clothes are fun and there are some underlying themes with redemptive qualities. And its not a "guilty" pleasure for no reason, there have to be some scandals :) xoxo!

Following GG, I will soak with my new Aveeno Foaming Bath, bought at the grocery today, and while not overly luxurious (I need some new for Christmas, hint hint), it will do the trick and I need to wind down. My heart is beating fast, probably from my almost overdose of excedrin migraine (with caffeine) to try and beat this ache in the head. OH, and I got some Blistex in a new, yummy flavor rasberry lemonade blast. It's like a reminder of a summer treat for my dreary, cracked winter lips, positive # 5!

While I know there are far greater positives out there such as health, prosperity, family and God's faithfulness but sometimes its the small things to comfort you on such a "blah" day.

sara groves and garth brooks.

2008-11-20T21:44:00.004-05:00

It has been a heavy week.

Mostly work stuff, which means children's lives being turned upside down by parents who suck, drugs, death, tragedy, poverty, and abuse. Sometimes it goes in and out, leaving me somehow unscathed. Other days it seems to soak in more and stick with me. That's where I am at now. Trying to move on by watching lame television. I am just getting annoyed which how dumb it is. Attempted to work on a 30 page paper (which is literally giving me nightmares and yet I still procrastinate) but that was heavy too as I explore the effects of parental substance abuse on children. I flipped through a magazine with holiday decoration "how to's" and recipes. Sorry, not really feeling the holiday spirit and I still don't feel "adult" enough to spend my budgeted finances on a Christmas tree. Bah humbug. If I had a bottle of wine, I'd self soothe, but my cabinets are bare (also because of the damn budget, to pay for my anxiety producing class). Jonathan is still gone, so I can't distract myself with him or gain comfort from snuggling on the couch.

But, in the midst of a "heavy" mood, I am okay.

Not sure how I got here, but I am thankful. Mostly, even though my day to day can be emotionally draining, I love it. Not really "it", but the children, the pissed off teenagers, the crazy mother's. They make me laugh. Make me think. Stretch me and my thoughts on this world. Of course, annoyance, anger and frustration also come along with the good, as in all other human relationships.

Driving today after a painful experience, I listened to the following song,

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it often overwhelms me
but when I think of all who've gone before
and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me
And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

Now, I do not come close to being a saint and really don't desire that kind of status, but the part of the song that I loved were the reminders of battles fought. Yes, they are always here and sometimes seem hopeless and unending. However, I am happy to take my place as a fighter in the battle. Yes, you can sit it out. Yes, you can have others fight the battles. But the battles are still raging, if you choose to ignore them, they do not stop. I am pumped up by generations ahead and after me that have and will love enough to fight-for justice, for people, for Jesus.

A favorite song of mine growing up was "Standing Outside the Fire" by Garth Brooks. I've always thrown myself hard into relationships and well, life, so the lyrics pumped me up and they still do....."There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher I can't abide standing outside the fire...."

I might get beat up and burned, but I want "in". There was a time in my recent past in which I felt like not fighting. Sadness. Confusion. Loss of purpose. I almost let people and things in my life slip away that are really important. So, I am eternally grateful for grace and that God knows me better than I do, because He gave me back my will to fight and I am clinging to it.....

And praise be to Him who gave Himself unto death in the fight...yet brought victory and freedom to me through His blood and sacrifice.

more than circumstances...

2008-11-16T11:48:00.002-05:00

I just got back from the airport after dropping my hubby off, for yet again another week of travel for work, this time beginning on a precious Sunday, after about 24 hours together in the 7 days. Tears and sadness, although my head telling my heart and emotions to "straighten up" and that "its not that big of a deal". I tried to go to the mall. Ha. I guess it was good that it wasn't open yet. The Lord knew that emotional shopping is a weakness.

Got home, made some homemade oatmeal on the stove, the kind that takes longer but is creamier with maple syrup and raisens. I put my ipod on shuffle and here it came....

"I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful"

-Phil Wickam lyrics to "Beautiful"

Our street has tall trees that are now "snowing" bright yellow leaves, as fall turns into winter, and its quite beautiful. Jonathan and I stood in the middle of the street yesterday as yellow fell around us and were just in awe of nature a few feet out our door.

The yellow trees outside were rustling about in the wind, as I came home today, as if God were comforting me, whispering sweet nothings. Then I heard the song and it continued to speak to me.....I'm not sure quite what the message is yet, and I am starting to think that each day in this life consists of figuring it out piece by piece, as if on a long treasure hunt, where one clue leads to the next. If this is true, then today's clue would be that there is MORE than circumstances. More than the 9-5, or too much alone time, or wintry weather. Admists all these circumstances, God is whispering to us, whether its through the falling leaves or a song, and He IS beautiful.

I can't wait to get to the end of the treasure hunt....

addictions and people.

2008-11-11T22:00:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went to a twelve step Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting in my neighborhood. It was an investigation on my part as I am currently taking a class on substance abuse therapies. Wow. I am touched and made aware and thankful my wise online professor recommended us to go and that I followed through on my end with seeking out the experience and people. Nervous and not knowing what to expect, but scenes and snipets from movies and tv, I ventured to the meeting.

I walk by the building most days and never noticed it. Now I will always notice it and be AWARE of the people meeting there. The people in the meeting were diverse. Some looked just like me, a co-worker, a friend, a few looked like my dad, my mom, an artist, a lawyer, black, white, homeless, yuppie, old, young...It was truly an eclectic group.

The sharing and community is what really touched me. I was such an outsider and I wanted in. These people knew each other, supported one another, and shared such intimate struggles and victories. All in an hour! Everyone held hands in a circle at the end and recited the serenity prayer and the Lord's prayer. It was powerful. They have meetings everyday and some people go daily. To uphold one another. To share life.

It convicted me of my independence in this world. I don't seek out such community often. When I do, I am blessed, but so many other "things", requirements, stresses, which get in the way of me and community. With Jonathan being away, I feel more guilty over my solitude. One great thing about marriage I have discovered is that you don't feel bad about doing absolutely nothing because you are spending time with the one you love. Ha, now that I am alone during the week, my guilt is back!!

Awareness. Don't assume you "know" the person next to you on the metro, at your office, at Starbucks. I can't remind myself of this enough. Addictions are real and effect people just like you and me and our friends, siblings, and neighbors. To me this awareness, means respecting and wanting to learn from people. It doesn't matter if you look like you have it all together, or you don't, or you have a lot of fancy degrees, or you don't. Just share your story with me, or pieces of it, and I promise to soak it in and learn. I can't get over how in our world we walk around with so many stereotypes and stigmas, when really we are all just humans, and our desires, struggles and dreams, are really not that different. What is that old saying, don't judge a person until you walk a mile in their shoes?

a story to share.

2008-11-07T09:20:00.004-05:00

A friend here in DC, told me about her dear friend, Katherine, who in April, suffered an anurysm in her brain, almost costing her life, but with great doctors and God's grace, she is alive, but with a long road ahead of her for recovery....

Although I don't know Katherine, by reading about her and following her story, I have connected to her in some way and often think and pray for her. She is 26 years-old, married, and with a young baby boy. Our stories didn't look that different until she had this massive bleed in her brain, and now she has a new "normal" in her life. I have been inspired by her fight and her spirit, although mourning, she is still triumphant.

Her husband's words below as they celebrate their wedding anniversary today:

"Today, November 6th, was Katherine and my 4th wedding anniversary. As I walked Katherine back from an early morning trip to the bathroom, I rigged our wedding DVD to start playing at the bridal procession. After a few seconds, the strains of "Trumpet Voluntary" ignited memories in Katherine's mind, sending a sweet, crooked smile across her face. I knew that Katherine's "procession" this morning, though in a bathrobe with her eye patched, was far more beautiful than her walk down the aisle on our wedding day. We continued to slowly make our way back to the bed, in the now familiar, swaying dance/walk that we find ourselves in every day now.

Memories of how we danced to the band for hours at our reception came racing back. Even if we won't be dancing that way for a while still, I get to lead my wife in a new kind of dance all the time. Instead of a soulful band singing classic oldies, we often "dance" to sad songs, people yelling, or James crying, but the times that we hear those carefree songs, people cheering, or James laughing are the most exquisite dances imaginable.We lay in bed watching the wedding DVD before getting ready for our day of therapy. The two people on the screen were so young, so innocent. In just four years, those two people now find themselves at a neuro rehabilitation hospital in Pomona, CA. The bride, though now unable to walk herself down any aisle or clearly speak her wedding vows or eat her beloved wedding cake, is somehow, impossibly more radiant now than she was then. Now, she glows with the light of new life.

Those two giddy newlyweds are still in here, somewhere deep down. We've been battered, but we are not broken. We've experienced things that two 26 year olds should never have to experience, but we've also been filled to overflowing by the immeasurable blessings of our Lord. Nothing on this journey is wasted. My Dad performed our wedding ceremony. As we listened to his words preceding the vows, we could not help but transport ourselves back to the moments on that altar. My Dad spoke of the inevitable storms of life, and the necessity of building our home on the rock-solid foundation of Christ. How could we have ever imagined what our lives would be like less than 4 years later?

This huge storm has swept over our home, threatening to take it all away, but by the grace of God, our little home is still here. I could not be more proud of the family that remains. These days, grasping at normalcy or reminiscing on the old life most often brings a cold reminder that things are not as they used to be. Sadness can often overshadow what were once celebratory occasions, but not today because on this day of remembering our sacred vows of marriage, things are just as they were promised to be. "

I was blown away by these words this morning and found ita powerful reminder of our own fraility, the power of a covenant marriage, and faith in God's faithfulness. Wow.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/katherinewolf (for more on Katherine's story)

oh Thursdays.

2008-11-06T11:22:00.001-05:00

How could you have a bad day when you get to hang out with this lil' guy?

One reason why I LOVE Thursdays is my normal visit with this fabulous 8-year-old who always makes me laugh and warms my heart.

Another reason is that Thursday normally signals my hubby's return to our city and home. After days of driving myself crazy alone at night, I am always happy for the company and normally then turn to driving Jonathan crazy because I am so attention deprived and needy, I am like a 5-year-old who has been locked in a dark room for a few hours (not that I would know or condone such terrible abuse of a child, but it is just an example), jumping on his lap saying, "pay attention to me", "talk to me", "love me"!! Plus, Thursdays are normally my flag football with co-workers night, which also involves some happy hour beers, so needy AND tipsy is a bad combo!! I mean I think its fun and love my fullness of personality, but after a long day of work and travel, my hubby doesn't share my sense of humor on these evenings.

Thank goodness, by Friday, the emotions have balanced out and we can have a semi-sane and nice weekend together. AND this weekend- NO PLANS!! This is intentional and sorry to be anti-social but I do have a paper to write for my online class and some major couch, football watching and movie time scheduled, so leave us alone! That is "said" with a smile :)

election day and more.

2008-11-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

Today was the first time I was able to go in person to vote for the president. I love the patriotic feeling of being able to vote, going to my polling place, seeing people outside with signs for their candidates and then all the volunteers to help with the voting process. It seems like such a selfless, giving day which unites people of all different political views to appreciate our country's freedom in having a VOTE.

However, this presidential election does frustrate me, as it seems as if the gap between both candidates is so WIDE, I have often wondered these past few months how a person like me, who considers herself somewhere in the middle of these two parties and candidates would decide. While I did vote and decided which candidate to support, I don't have particular strong feeling about Obama or McCain winning or losing. This makes me feel more unpatriotic or something than the people so energized with their candidate, but after months of soul searching and considering, I still haven't gotten to that point.....

Really, I hate the divisions and having to pick one or the other. Maybe my job doing counseling which requires me to emphathize with people and their experiences, overflows into my thinking about politics, I can consider both sides and find positives in both. I can also find negatives, but in them BOTH. And its not that I don't have firm ideas about things, I do, its just that neither party/candidate captures them completely.

I was in Georgia/Florida this past weekend. I was blown away by Southern politics and the overwhelming conservative voice. People handing out McCain/Palin stickers galore. My parents were giving me things to read and arguments against Obama all weekend. They are so scared the liberal DC has turned their formerly conservative-but-not-really-thinking-for-herself-just-going-along-with-what-she-grew-up-around-views, daughter into one of "them". Here in DC the voice is 100% Obama from what I have seen, including the CEO of my agency using her platform to make political statements and Obama signs adorning the halls.

Obama supporters can't imagine why people would vote for McCain, and McCain supporters can't understand why anyone would vote for Obama. Again, the gap is so wide and there is such a lack of understanding from one side to the other. While I often feel alienated from both groups, not able to fit in with either, I do appreciate being able to see both sides. I hope to be a person that brings people together and has friends on all sides and not surround myself by just those "like" me. So, I might not "fit in" but I am learning to embrace this and find that it enriches my life, politically and beyond!

**************************************************************************************

"Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (although I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak, I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."
I Corinthian 9:19-23.

David Lipscomb's comment on this is:

Paul accommodated himself to the prejudices and preferences of men so far as he could without sacrificing truth and righteousness, in order to win them to Christ ... He did this not that he might be personally popular with any man, but that by doing so he might throw no obstacle in
the way of their giving the gospel a fair hearing.

"Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition?"
Matthew 15:3

As someone trying to authentically follow Christ, I seek to follow God in my life and not do things for the sake of tradition!! Do not assume everything you do as a "Christian" actually reflects the heart of God. Think about it. I have been so frustrated with people assuming that the US is a "Christian nation". Where do you get that from? Is that in the Bible? That God will bless the USA? I don't think that makes me unpatriotic to say, because I am very proud of our country, and thankful to all who have sacrificed for our freedom. However, because of our freedom, yes, I can acknowledge God in my life, but others should also be able to acknowledge their own beliefs. I am all for our country and government letting us be free to worship and have our own worldview, and not dictating what that should be, and by claiming that we are a "Christian" nation following biblical beliefs, that seems to infringe on that freedom. If we take away others freedom, then we are also closer to our own freedom being taken.

Thoughts?

being busy.

2008-10-30T13:40:00.000-04:00

Jonathan was lucky enough to snag some World Series tickets and we went to Game 3 in Philly this past Saturday. I love going to be sporting events, just for the experience. After a rain delay, the game finally began around 10pm and didn't end up 2am, while we froze in the stands, but still glad for the experience and a great game. Then the Lively's (not as lively at the time being) drove back to DC, arriving around 5am....

Right now I am on an extended lunch break, as I came to grab my suitcase and do some final things before an afternoon of sessions with kids and then heading straight to Baltimore to fly out for a weekend at FL/GA festivities and spending time with friends.

Busy. Busy. Busy. I can't decide if I like being busy or if I wish for a slower paced life. Probably because of my dilemna of accepting happiness, I don't like being busy when I am, and then get bored when I am not galavanting with plans and people each weekend.

Hope you have a nice busy or chill weekend and hope its exactly what you need.

more nostalgia.

2008-10-28T23:00:00.000-04:00

What is it with me thinking about old relationships these days?

Today was one of my childhood best friend's birthday. I have been thinking about her all day. We spent many of our adolescent days pining over our lives and shared so much, part of her is cemented to my personality and make up. It has to be. I laugh and love so much just thinking about her....

We stayed up all night talking on the phone, seriously, I did not sleep for a few years. We drove around Florida going to dance auditions and planning to escape our families (and boring) lives to go to performing arts boarding school (she went, i didn't). We were obsessed with "I Love Lucy" and that was our comic relief. We were (kinda) anti social to others, and found enough friendship in each other. Spent endless weekend nights "sleeping over" which including TPing the boys in the neighborhood wearing black "ninja" clothes and climbing out of her 2 story window with sheets tied together (but we had on our roller blade protective gear in case we fell). We got in trouble for laughing and not being able to stop. We both switched schools so we could attend the same one in which we ate lunch alone (but together) and one of our teachers called us, "the girls from another planet". We liked him and thought everyone else sucked, so this was a compliment.

In my young age, this dear friend saw more vulnerability in me than anyone. We were intense as friends and real. Depressed when sad, manic when happy. A roller coaster ridden, but with each up and down, we were in it together. She taught me a lot. About myself, and friendship, and relationships. I used to think it was weird that we fought. Like major conflicts and hurt. As a young girl, I didn't realize that in relationships, this is a part of it. When you care for someone, you get angry. Life is messy, love is messier, right? Ever heard that the opposite of love is NOT hate, but APATHY? I think that is true. If you piss me off, I still love you, if I don't care, you are fading away....

My husband doesn't know this old friend. Last year, we got to spend time together, Jonathan and I and my friend and her fiance. Enjoying two bottles of wine by Lake Eola, dear friend and I, started where we left off, our guys chiming in sharing stories, adventures and outlooks on life.

When driving home, my husband commented that he couldn't believe how similar we were, my friend and I. Our humor. Our stories. Our personalities.

So, I think about that, how are those that we love imprinted on us?

And, how do WE imprint on those we love?

Happy Birthday dear friend. Thank you for sharing your life with me many years ago.

steady and content.

2008-10-22T18:43:00.000-04:00

As I walked around my neighborhood the other evening, bundling up for the first time this season, I was thinking about things in my life. I don't feel particularly happy or excited about any of them. Now don't get me wrong, its not that there is anything bad in my life or tragic, so I feel guilty even professing my ill-contentedness, but that is exactly what I have been- not content.

I thrive on new things, fresh, exciting, fun, right?....

Well, let's see here. I've lived in DC for over a year now with no plans for relocation as the real estate market might dictate our stay in our 550 square feet of bliss ; I've been at my job for almost 1.5 years; I've been married for over 2 years...I don't have plans to move, leave my job, or leave my marriage, so that is a lot of the SAME. BUT these are all good things, I love my home, my job, and my marriage, so that should be enough. It really should. What is my deal?! I am never happy and satisfied and always looking for more. If the SAME is GOOD, then why should I want DIFFERENT just for the hell of it?

Additionally, my life up until this point, has always been in a flux of change. Moving apartments almost every year. Having a few year plan in each city. Grad school. Different jobs, never beyond a year. Relationships on and off again. Engagement. Wedding. Newlyweds.

After the waters have calmed and I might actually be at a point of stability in my life, I am restless! I (kinda) understand how people start popping out kiddos, they get bored and that is "next" in life.... Still not there on that one-I obviously need to work on these issues before adding more complexity, such as a human life into the picture :) Whoa.

As I've fumbled around with these ideas, I feel convicted about my constant need to find happiness and fulfillment in my circumstances. What is the point of faith if it doesn't give me meaning and is "enough" to make me content?

Well, certainly aware of my own hypocrisy and shortcomings, I am working on having a quiet, steady joy...something that doesn't go up and down, with tears and exclamation marks, but STEADFAST. I can't imagine anyone has ever described me as THAT, so it might be a long journey.....

" You will keep in perfect peace him who mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."
-Isaiah 26:3

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." -Psalm 51:10

"Wealth stays with us a little moment if at all: only our characters are steadfast, not our gold." -Euripides

peoples past.

2008-10-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

This time of year and the approaching winter always signals a dip in my mood, and while determined to not be victim to such a depression, I have to admit I enjoy bits of the "contemplativeness" of my spirit tonight.

While not sure how to broach the subject on this public format, a certain event occurred this weekend which left me thinking about relationships lost....those people in your life who at some time you knew, loved, and had deep interactions with and now have faded into the peripheral people you might hear about while visiting your hometown over the holidays or catch up through mutual friends.

It is just so weird to me to think about really knowing someone and being involved in his/her life and then just not be anymore. Ofcourse, this is a reality and there is not really any way to not have this in our lives, but my heart doesn't really know how to deal with it or how to reason around this occurance.

It just makes me sad. Regardless of the reason for not having a certain person in your life anymore, whether it was your choice, or theirs, or circumstances. So, here is a guarantee to you about me- if you are in my life, my friend, my family, my love, past or present, then I will always remember you, think about you, and love you in some way. Maybe I don't act on the love because it wouldn't be appropiate or circumstances don't allow, but I appreciate you being in my life at some point. Each person I know and share my life with in some capacity, changes me, molds me, influences me, in some way....I love big and vulnerably, and the consequence is that people don't "leave" me. You are actually all here, somewhere in my heart or my luny head....

My husband had to leave early on a business trip. I am left alone with a glass of wine (and hot chocolate for later), a stack of books, and an i-pod playlist to comfort and fellowship with tonight.

Revolution in Jesusland.

2008-10-17T11:30:00.000-04:00

Zack Exley's blog which he summarizes in this way:

"Right after the 2004 elections, a cynical map made the rounds of progressives’ inboxes everywhere, separating “Jesusland” from the “United States of Canada.” Several other self-righteous riffs followed.

The image was a hit because it expressed a sinking feeling in the hearts of many progressives that America had been taken over by an incomprehensible cult of ignorance, intolerance and hate—a cult they knew as “evangelical” or “born again” Christianity.

Most secular progressives are comfortable with mainline liberal Christianity. But when it comes to evangelicals, many can only think of anti-gay ballot initiatives, clinic bombers, street preachers with megaphones and corrupt televangelists. And they tend to be confused and disturbed by a movement that reads the Bible “literally” as the “inerrant word of God.”

This blog is a plea to the progressive movement, to take another look and get to know the diverse and complex world of evangelical Christianity in its own terms. Here you’ll find interviews, commentary, analysis and other dispatches from all over “Jesusland.” This tour will explore everything from the workings of the local church, to the evangelicals’ vibrant, decentralized national leadership training infrastructure to theological questions such as, “How in the world DO they read the Bible literally?” and “Do they really think I’m going to hell?”

There are two really big reasons to come along on this tour:

First, progressives will never achieve their goals as long as they are hostile toward and ignorant about the faith of 100 million of their own people who are born again Christians.

Second (and we know how difficult this is to believe) there is an incredibly large and beautiful social movement exploding among evangelicals right now that stands for nearly all of the same causes and goals that secular progressives do. Those goals include: eliminating poverty, saving the environment, promoting justice and equality along racial, gender and class lines and for immigrants—and even separation of church and state.

By learning to work together with “progressive” evangelicals, secular progressives will stand a better chance of achieving their goals and also learn an enormous amount from these remarkable people and their organizations that will help secular progressives strengthen their own movement.

This evangelical “revolution,” as one Christian pollster has labeled it, is unquestionably the fastest growing and most surprising of American social movements today. Whichever way you measure, it probably dwarfs the secular left. From mega churches to tiny country churches, evangelical Christians are rediscovering the “gospel of the God of the oppressed.” Perhaps the most surprising among these are the suburban, white evangelicals who are stepping outside of their comfort zones to “get into relationship” with the poor, the oppressed, the homeless, prisoners—the people of whom Jesus said,

Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me….Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me. —Matthew 25

They are building houses for and teaching job skills to homeless people, they are creating tutoring programs for kids in failing schools, they’re paying health care bills and sending off rent checks for people living on poverty wages—and there’s even a movement afoot among these people to move their young families out of wealthy suburbs and into forsaken inner city neighborhoods, putting their kids into broken and often violent public schools. And in their Sunday services and Bible studies they are questioning the very foundations of modern American capitalist ideology.

On this blog we will attempt over time to provide evidence, and to explain the inner logic of this culture’s narratives, theologies and passions, and to flesh out the larger context of this movement that is shaking up nearly every American community and producing so many exceptional leaders.

So—welcome to Jesusland. We hope you enjoy the tour."

I have recently found this blog and so enjoyed the conversations it promotes. In these days before an election with negativity screaming at you through slinging ads on tv, and with an economy I don't totally understand, but get freaked out when day after day headlines of the stock market "diving" and "recession" and "unemployment" are mentioned, it CAN'T be wrong to dialogue and hopefully better understand each other.

Fall Getting Away....

2008-10-14T12:00:00.000-04:00

"To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring." -George Santayana.

My Mom and Dad joined us "kids" in the DC region and we went to the Virginia mountains for the long Columbus Day weekend...It was fabulous!

We lounged around, watched football (go gators!), flipped through magazines, cooked and ate yummy food, hiked, played games, tried to pick apples in an orchard (but couldn't find any), drove down long country roads, drank beer and listened to live music at a brewery, enjoyed some fall foliage and just being around each other. I feel rested and content, filled to the brim!

Ordinary Radicals.

2008-10-05T23:48:00.000-04:00

Oh yeah. Watch this.

Things are a changin....

2008-10-05T14:36:00.000-04:00

So, all the Barak Obama jargon about change certainly has an energy that is contagious. As already referenced, I am one who actually likes change and that exhilarating feeling of not really knowing what is around the corner....

With all this talk of change in the media, I have been intrigued with the idea and found some similar conversations regarding church/Christianity/faith in some books recently which have "lit my fire" so to speak....

I love it when my mind is whirling around with new ideas, not really sure how I feel about them, but energized by something new to contemplate and think about. I have to think that one grows when they challenge and explore their view on life/God/world/people. So I am going with the change idea, as a positive thing.

For example, Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola. It is a book written by a guy who has been involved in a "home church" for 15 years. They meet at different peoples home. No one person leads. The "service" structure depends on each week, day, member- so no 20 min worship, 10 min announcement, 30 min sermon, a closing and then dismissal. No dressing up. Not the latest and greatest videos, media clips, and musical technology which sure does make church seem "relevant" and "cool". Well, not to diss all those churches that do embrace these practices, but they are not my cup of tea and always leave me wanting more....

How more "relevant" could be meeting in another person's home, coming as you are, sharing life together, being led with the spirit as to the group's needs that week- maybe its sharing what God has done in your life, maybe its a teaching on a scripture or something read, maybe its time in prayer, maybe its quiet worship, maybe its loud worship, maybe its talking, eating, laughing. Wow, I would want to go every week!! Yes, its less human control and managing...more faith required, but come on, let's put our big kid pants on and grow up!

I just got really excited thinking about that idea.....!!!

So anyways, this book, Pagan Christianity, talks about practices of the church and how many of them did not actually originate from "christian" practice of the early church (the disciples shortly after Christ's death) but from the cultures of societies past. A lot of history, which some might find boring (my husband got really annoyed), but to me gave it credibility. It just makes you think about things. Like with a church's budget- why pay so much for a church building when it is used by people only a few times a week? Couldn't that money be used to help people without more effectively? And pastors- When did they start going to seminary and requiring all this "education"...The disciples were "untrained, unschooled" men, but were able to minister the power and message of Christ pretty effectively. Now its not to say that all these things are bad or wrong, but to put it out there that they might not have to be the staple and their origins are not necessarily "christian".

And another book, Jesus for President (by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw)(and i would check out the intro to the website). I am still reading but there is so much that excites me about it.

First, from Revelation 18:2-5, John writes:

"Come out of her, my people,
so that you will not share in her sings
so that you will not receive any of her plagues'

for her sins are piled up to heaven,
and God has remembered her crimes..."

And then the author's commentary (p.151)

"John's language couldn't be clearer: we are to "come out" of her, literally to pull ourselves out. Scholars point out that this is erotic language and that the words John uses are the same ones used for coitus interruptus- to interrupt sexual intercourse before climax. As John is speaking of this steamy love affair with the empire, he calls the church to "pull out of her"- to leave the romance with the world and be wooed by God, to remember our first love, to say no to all other lovers. Certainly he made his readers blush. And its not easy to pull out of a relationship of dependency and romance, of lavish gifts and captivating beauty, especially with a bride as beautiful as Rome or America."

The subtitle is "a book to provoke the christian political imagination" and that is what it does...makes you question the so called "christian" ideals of the USA and what loyalty we have to the country, when we might not agree with all of "her" decisions and ways. ...

Like I said, I am still reading and being challenged. Check this article out which delves into the book's message more : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/zack-exley/jesus-for-president-a-re_b_94489.html

Don't be scared to question and examine...If you are sure you have found the truth, then you should be confident in your explorations!

Now after all this thought, I am anxious to figure out what in the heck to DO to change the way I LIVE my life. Much harder than the thinking part.

Two years.

2008-09-30T13:16:00.001-04:00

Today is our two year wedding anniversary. September 30, 2006 was a truly wonderful day.

Happy Anniversary, Honey!

www.garrettnuddphotography.com/Slideshow/Lively

So...Are you like religious or something?

2008-09-17T21:44:00.000-04:00

I have started and stopped this entry several times. I am still not sure of what to write.

Since the short life of this blog, I've had a few people question me with such comments as, "Are you really religious or something?" "Evangelical"?

This felt confrontational to me, and while I don't know the motives/thoughts behind the questioning, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my uncertainty of how to answer.

My first thought is to cringe at the words religious/evangelical. My mind goes to politics and super conservative people in the news like Jerry Falwell, or even Joel Osteen (smile!), and people I don't want to be "classified" with as the same....

But here's the thing, who would I want to be associated with in this crazy world? Honestly, I feel like I am floating between worlds of "Christian" and "Secular" and trying to find what that looks like in a person.

My beliefs. I do believe that Jesus lived on this earth as a person to know mankind and to ultimately give His own life for my salvation. He died for me. He died for you. If that makes me "religious" just for that, then fine, label me.

However, keep looking.....I don't like the institutional church. Sometimes if I go to a church service, I leave more enraged and angered than when I came. Maybe its me. Maybe its the institutional church. However, I soak up fellowship with people. Real, vulnerable people. Relationships. Sharing life with someone else. Maybe this person shares similar beliefs about God, maybe they don't, or maybe I don't know their beliefs, really I don't care. As people, we are more similar than we like to admit. My desires, dreams, worries are pretty similar at their core than yours, even if our day to day lives look pretty different.

I think that a prostitute, a homeless person, or someone else that society might frown upon could be closer to the heart of God than a lot of church goers in this country. Pride and judgement of others is something I loathe and they seem far from Jesus' heart and example from His days on earth.

Actually, it was the church goers, He rebuked and to the unfaithful woman He showed much grace. He came to set up free from "religion" and rules to live an abundant life. Sadly, I don't see many Christians walking in that freedom today. It's easy to see why so many are "put off" by Christianity these days.

My own journey of faith has gone down different paths from not really believing anything, to being legalistic in religion, to really questioning, and now I am at a place in which I am striving to be true in my relationship with Christ and on a never ending quest to see what that looks like in my life. I want to love people with mercy and compassion. To accept, not judge. To heal, not convict.

All I know is God's faithfulness to me. That doesn't mean I haven't had hard times, or really questioned, but all in all, I believe and trust in His goodness. I hope hope hope!! that I will continue to, regardless of what is ahead. I don't understand everything or have many answers. I can speak only from my own experiences with a personal God who has shown me His presence and touch. And this doesn't mean I haven't messed up, I have and I have A LOT, but that is the thing about God's grace...It is real and healing. It brings you home and rejoices in your return. Like the one lost sheep, like the prodigal son.....And trust me, if this God will do it for ME, He shall also give ALL for YOU.

surprise.

2008-09-10T21:59:00.000-04:00

Wow.

So, its Wednesday night. I had a normal, fine day. Not great. Not bad. When I got in my car to leave my last work duty for the day, I couldn't get the car to start. The key wouldn't turn. I kept trying to move the steering wheel, thinking it was locked. Still nothing. Ugh. When this kind of thing happens, I immediately turn rageful. I have no patience and this awful personality emerges. I call Jonathan (in Michigan) as if he SHOULD be able to do something to help my stupid car key turner to fulfill its reason for existing. I am short and rude to him because he can't miraculously turn it through the cell phone waves.

I call the emergency road side assistance. I don't qualify because I don't need a battery jump (or at least that is my professional assessment) and am not ready to commit to have it towed to a repair shop. The kind operator connects to me a car dealership on the west coast so I can talk to a mechanic (b/c its 6:30pm in dc and ones here will be closed). I ask a mechanic in Santa Monica, CA, if he knows how i can get my key to turn in my stupid, not working (for the moment) vehicle. He gives me a few tips and voila! the key turns. I squeal, tell him he is my hero for this night, feel like a stupid, dumb girl, who can't get her car to work, and drive away, more emotionally exhausted than I anticipated.

I had no reason not to work out for the night. That had been my intention and plan. However, when I got home, just not feeling it. But I'm bored. Unfortunately, its the kind of bored that does not want to relieve itself from the state and seek out entertainment such as gym time, or a phone call to a friend, or a visit with my sister who lives .2 miles away. So I just sat. Drank a blue moon. Perused Facebook. Felt lazy about not catching up on paperwork. Texted my hubby that I missed him.

Its nights like this that I want him home. I don't want to do anything really. But I want him to sit next to me. Watching guests on Larry King yell at each other over presidential candidates, him typing away on his laptop or watching that show mythbusters, for him to tell me to get off of Facebook and repeat his lack of love for the social network, for me to get annoyed that he never puts his dishes away, for him to bicker that I leave the a/c on too much....

I was about to have a pity party for myself when I hear the key turn in our door and....

SURPRISE! He totally fooled me and got home a day earlier from travels....

Wow. I am not even surprised very easily (I am the kind of person who always finds out about surprises but will never never tell i knew about it because I don't want to ruin it for the planner!). But this was a genuine surprise.

Got to go, so I can soak up this boring night with my hubby!

"If you are not seeing it, you are not looking for it."

2008-09-09T18:00:00.000-04:00

Check this out: Call + Response

"Justice is what love looks like in public."

Life of the Beloved.

2008-09-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

"Aren't you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope," May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire?"

"The loneliness, the homelessness, and the addictiveness of people are all too visible. Yet all these people yearn for a blessing. That blessing can be given only by those who have heard it themselves...I must tell you that claiming your own blessedness always leads to a deep desire to bless others."

"I am convinced that healing is often so difficult because we don't want to know the pain...The first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a step toward it."

"Our real gift is not so much what we can do, but who we are. The real question is not, "What can we offer each other?" but "Who can we BE for each other?"

"When I ask myself, "Who helps me the most?" I must answer, "The one who is willing to share his or her life with me".

"The world is evil only when you become its slave...The great struggle facing you is not to leave the world, to reject your ambitions and aspirations, or to despise money, prestige, or success, but to claim your spiritual truth and to live in the world as someone who doesn't belong to it."

I recently read Henri Nouwen's "Life of the Beloved" and the above are from his writings....

Striving to listen to His voice saying, "You are my beloved". I hope the same for you in your journey.

a kind deed.

2008-09-05T17:08:00.001-04:00

As I was looking for parking today near my office, I found a spot with a meter and was in the process of rummaging around for change, while still sitting in my car. A call pulled up next to me and the guy motioned for me to roll down my window. When I did, he told me he just left his spot across the street and there was still an hour and a half on the meter, so I could hop right in...Wooohoo. This is a REALLY great thing because I am always short on change, since I have to use it all the time for parking and the lovely laundry machines.

This random guy didn't have to come all the way over to my side of the street to tell me about his open and already paid for spot. It made me think that I probably wouldn't have taken the time to help a stranger, right?

So, thank you kind Sir and hopefully in the future I will be more "kind deed" conscious in my own day to day duties, as a result of your inspiration.

Change.

2008-08-27T22:14:00.000-04:00

School started this week in the District of Columbia. All the kids have new, shiny shoes and fresh backpacks. The teachers are friendly and bright eyed when I introduce myself. Walls are newly painted.

Summer is ending. Fall is approaching.

Change. A new beginning.

When I was younger I hated change. My family has lived in the same house since I was born. At varying times, my parents would toy with the idea of moving and look at real estate; my sister and I would protest so much that the idea was eventually shelved. 1343 Campbell St. is still the Mahurin home. That house represented stability and if it changed, it seemed as if my world would shake.

My parents still have that house. They aren't even there very often, but it still offers some sense of comfort and tradition.

For example, at Christmas. I am 26 years old and every single Christmas of my life has been the exact same. Christmas Eve at our neighbors home. They are Cuban and its their close family members + the Gringos (us) and this tradition began before I was born and continues.....We did add martini's somewhere in there, so I guess there has been some change, and for the good!

Christmas morning, the "kids" (we've added Jonathan) still have to sit at the top of the staircase why the parents are at the bottom. When they give us the "ok", we can come down to open presents. This made sense when we were little and there were unwrapped things from Santa on display, like a new bike, or a sleeping bag with a big bow on it. Now there is no reason for it, we just do it because we always did. Its like what is going to happen if I bust down before Mom and Dad?!! ahhh craziness. After gift time, we are rushed through a pastry breakfast by Mom who is all of the sudden freaking out that we are going to be late getting to the relatives. We fight about the Christmas spirit being ruined and pack into the car. A hour on 1-4 and we arrive for Mom's side of the fam Christmas. Ridiculously great food, and a lot of it, by my culinary gifted Uncle, friendly banter, hugs from people I only see once a year, watching my precious grandmother open a sweater and dust buster from her family, and of course, random moments of the "Christmas Story" with Ralphie on TBS. Then we get back in the car and head back on I-4 to Orlando. We used to have to go back to the house to let our dog, Daisy, out, but now she died and that still makes me really sad. Man, I really want a dog (damn condo board, stiff asses!). Then we head to my Dad's side of the family Christmas. More food, but something like cold ham and veggie soup and olives that you can put on your fingers. Some more banter, hugs from people I see once a year but have known me my entire existence and all of the sudden its 10pm and I've seen every relative on my side (poor Lively's are totally neglected in this tradition). Busy day. And repeated every December 25th to a freaking tee.

Now here is my confession: I kinda want to go on a cruise for Christmas.

I've grown to like change. To crave it. To embrace it.

Maybe I'm rebelling against the extreme stability in my early life. After graduating from high school, I have lived in 7 different residences. 3 cities. 3 states/provinces. The fact that we bought something in DC sometimes makes me feel like I have a noose around my neck. I have lived here a year and LOVE this place (condo and city), but there is an "antsy" spirit inside that starts to itch.

Will I ever have roots again?

I want to explore. For something to be different everyday.

I love the changing seasons. I get sick of the current one and always embrace the new one coming. In Florida, not so much. You better get used to feeling warm.

Now back to this whole Christmas cruise thing, it's not going to happen. My family already allowed Jonathan "in" on our tradition and that was probably enough change for the next 10 years!! I just want a chance to get tan in the winter. Is that totally selfish? (I am still not adjusted to this whole NE pale skin thing...depressing in the most vain way)

Some perspective: When I was sharing some of my "extreme" views to the fam at some point this summer, kinda for shock value and not totally serious, my Dad pulled me aside and said something to the point of, well, we will not be able to have family vacations forever, suggesting that him and my Mom would be too old or sick or dead for time together. I'm not even going to go there because I am not ready for my parents to deal with any of the above (or me to deal with it by their side).

Soooooo trying to balance it all out....Change vs. Tradition?!

Can a person have it all?

I just love it...

2008-08-16T13:48:00.000-04:00

In a simple way, this dance makes me happy.

Maybe its because I used to dance and it pricks my memory with positive experiences from long ago. Maybe its because the "story" told with the dance relates to my feelings of my husband traveling each week for work. Maybe I just think Chelsie is beautiful and expressive. Plus I dig the song.

Whatever reason, I like it. Makes me want to grab my ballet slippers and leap around!!

I have many more profound thoughts on my mind, but for this Saturday a simple joy such as a dance routine to a pop song will do just fine.

At the end of the day...

2008-08-14T22:11:00.001-04:00

Tired. Emotional. Drained. Depleted.

In a service oriented job, the feeling around the office at the end of the week is ALL OF THE ABOVE. Hell, a day can leave me feeling that way.

"If you extend your soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul, then your light shall dawn in the darkness, and your darkness shall be as the noonday.

The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones; You shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail."
Isaiah 58: 10-11 the bible

Isn't that what I want? Shouldn't I desire to give my ALL throughout the day? To pour myself out to others? To share in others sufferings, to be empathetic?

To feel and to therefore know I am ALIVE
(maybe this is not how the rest of you know you are alive?!)

Without faith, I couldn't make it, but knowing God's promise of refiling me and replenishing me through the Holy Spirit, I can be renewed and can be "poured out" once again tomorrow.

So, can I challenge you?

Don't complain. Don't be wary. Keep going, ministering, completing the tasks set ahead of you.

If you are like me at all, if I was NOT depleted at the end of the day, then I would be complaining that I was antsy and bored, with no one to effect and/or share life.

Let's take God up on His offer to make us "like waters that do not fail"!!

Thursday.

2008-08-07T12:10:00.001-04:00

Jonathan is back to DC tonight. This is why Thursdays might be my fave night of the week. He is even (hopefully) getting on the early flight to arrive in time to go Sunset Serenades!

Sweet Reminder.

2008-08-05T23:02:00.000-04:00

Rock of Ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee; let the water and the blood, from thy wounded side which flowed, be of sin the double cure; save from wrath and make me pure.

2. Not the labors of my hands can fulfill thy law's commands; could my zeal no respite know, could my tears forever flow, all for sin could not atone; thou must save, and thou alone.

3. Nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling; naked, come to thee for dress; helpless, look to thee for grace; foul, I to the fountain fly; wash me, Savior, or I die.

4. While I draw this fleeting breath, when mine eyes shall close in death, when I soar to worlds unknown, see thee on thy judgment throne, Rock of Ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in thee

Listen at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdu-iBPHtQ8

Words:
Augustus M. Toplady, 1776.
Music:
Thomas Hastings, 1830

Welcome DC's newest resident.

2008-08-05T14:52:00.000-04:00

My sister, Ashley, has made the move to the District. We went to Screen on the Green last night....It's fun having her here! Welcome Sista!

Inspired

2008-08-04T15:26:00.000-04:00

I love to read other people's blogs. I can spend a whole night reading, browsing, looking at others lives through the pictures and words of their blogs. Is this weird? Sometimes I think its a sad sign of our society...It feels so hard to connect in real life, that I resort to sitting on my couch alone, reading and "connecting" (but not really) to words and people, possibly worlds away. It is not uncommon for Jonathan to come and find me with tears flowing as I stare at the computer screen....after feeling and "being" with someone's suffering through their words.

And while I could sit here asking exisential questions all day about whether this is productive or maladaptive, instead I have decided to begin this, my own (public) journal of sorts. Inspiration from others who have gone before include components such as:

-Connection...I am able to relate to others in their experiences + keep in touch with some who are far away
-Conviction... My heart is convicted by others experiences and shared thoughts and emotions.
-Growth... I am challenged by others experiences. Maybe they are different than my own, maybe I don't agree with everything said, yet I grow by knowledge of more variety than my own perspective.
-Vulnerability...I can become calloused. Reading someone else's heartfelt words, break my hardness of heart and bring raw emotion to the surface. To feel.

May I be geniune and true. Or at least in my struggle to be so.

Ps- Does this thing have spell check?!